Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Midnight in the Organic Garden of Evil


7 Eat your damn vegetables!

With our first Web-cam under our belt (so to speak) we’re feeling much better about saving the nation’s kids from their fat behinds. Our new and improved website, is state-of-the-art interactive! Complete with helpful hints on how to make healthier choices at the ice cream parlor. Hint: chocolate hurricane, good; death by chocolate, bad. (Of course, if you live in Arizona you know that going to the ice cream parlor is off limits all together.)

I think the completely spontaneous Q and A session went extraordinarily well. Carefully crafted questions submitted by ordinary people across the country who have no clue about diet and exercise were handled with professional, caring responses by Lady M. The whole live Web chat went so well in fact that we’re thinking of launching our own magazine:  Lady O. I know, I know: I liked Lady M better to, but apparently we’re trying to cheese in on the popularity of Oprah’s hugely popular dumb magazine. Our magazine will focus on giving other busy moms helpful advice on diet, nutrition, exercise and fashion, natch.

8And get up off your fat a** and move! 

Here are the essentials of our revolutionary plan to end childhood obesity “within a generation:”

(Lady M) discussed the main pillars of her campaign: educating parents, improving food in schools, expanding access to healthful food and promoting physical education.

Obama said to transform a generation, “children born today” must learn from adults what makes a healthful  lifestyle. She said government can help and that she hopes to see changes within five years, including more information on food labels and packaging, greater school involvement in community gardens and new nutrition standards for schools

And of course, you should always have healthy snacks like apples around to avoid indulging in other “forbidden fruit:”

Our signature “forbidden fruit” prop – in the background

As you recall, MO has always had a special affinity for the miracle power of apples:

mo tweedMichelle_Obama__cover_Newsweek_obesity_children___promote_health_wellness_American_communities_thumb[2]

  Michelle_Obama__cover_Newsweek_obesity_children___promote_health_wellness_American_communities_thumb[2]Fighting obesity, with a little help from your nutrition czar 

Lady M said the issue of weight is not about vanity, it’s about health, and she tries not to talk about weight in the Big White – either the girls or her own. In fact, she and Big Guy have a pact: he doesn’t talk about Lady M’s weight or drinking and she doesn’t talk about his eating disorder and smoking. It’s a win-win.

And besides, we finally have confirmation that Lady M is in fact not fat. It’s been verified by a real doctor: Dr. James Lyons ( a cosmetic surgeon no less!). Here’s what the good doc – who coincidentally has a new diet book out - told the Chicago Trib:

The key to looking young is having the right kind of fat, plastic surgeon James Lyons writes in "The Brown Fat Revolution." Yellow fat is mush and blobby and makes us look old. Brown fat is healthy, firm and resilient and gives our bodies a youthful appearance.

Michelle Obama for example, has "great fat," Lyons said. He finds her curvy body to be "amazing" because “she has the right amount of good brown fat in her face and body."

"She's not skinny and she's not fat--she's firm and toned with exceptionally well defined upper arms. She exudes health and vitality," he wrote.

Then he went on to compare Lady M to – can you believe this – Madonna! Yes, and he called Madge “skinny” and “haggard.” So OK, her arms look more like frogs legs, but look at those perky hooters!

madonna toned_thumb[2] Madge exercising her Second Amendment Right: NOT photoshopped! Honest.

Butt really - there was never any contest between who has the best fat between Mo and Madge.  Now, if you throw Oprah into the mix, we’ve got ourselves an altogether new ball game.


Clearly brown fat is better than skinny white-trash fat, any day.

H/T Lady LaFi