Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I’ll Gladly Pay You…

How to take the spotlight off of Big Guy’s uh… “victory” in the debt ceiling dispute that ended with the R-words negotiating with themselves? Well, one way is to call our commercial-free National Public Radio sponsor reporters and grant an interview:

“Michelle doesn't take that [criticism] too seriously. Michelle knows that – well, let me put it this way. Michelle's never hid the fact that her favorite food is french fries, or that she's going to have a burger once in a while. The whole point that she's been making — which is common sense, and so this should be a non-issue — is how do we make sure that our kids, in particular, have balanced meals on a regular basis?”

“Balanced meals,” got it? Food-wise that means you get to keep your Happy Meal, to which we’ve added apple slices, butt you get to keep far fewer of your tasty French fries. Oh, and did I mention, the price has gone up?

Butt if this is all just “common sense” I wonder why Lady M has to waste so much of her precious time, and our money, on it?

Wait, maybe this is why:

“Because it'll make them healthier; it'll make them do better in school; and it forms lifelong habits that will improve their quality of life.”

I’m not sure about the “healthier” and doing “better in school” butt it certainly will help them get use to someone telling them what to do and taking away the best part – for their own good.

“And you know, I think that she has been adamant about saying that there's nothing wrong with having a treat once in a while. [ed. note, he said that with a straight face] There's nothing wrong with going ahead and having a milkshake or a piece of pie, or whatever else you crave.”



Oh yes, and a diet soft drink:


Because – and you probably didn’t know this – it’s all cumulative. So  even such a seemingly insignificant reduction in calories will prevent you from getting a little bit fatter. And if you think about it that way, you can feel better about the rest of those calories you just consumed.

“The question is, what — what is it that on a regular basis you're doing, and what can we do as a society to make sure that, for example, folks in low-income communities have access to a grocery store that actually sells fresh – fresh produce?”

Oh, I don’t know. Maybe make sure they have jobs so they can afford to buy organic arugula?

“And in fact, she — they did a wonderful announcement (last week) talking about food deserts, communities where you cannot – you know, in any reasonable way find fresh and healthy foods and if you do find it, then the prices are jacked up in those communities.”

See? A job really could help!

“And there was an announcement, cooperation from a whole bunch of retailers all across the country. They're going to – they're going to start building new stores that will not only create jobs but also give people healthier options.”

Finally! We get to the jobs! That’s a refreshingly healthy option!


“And that's what this is all about- - empowering people to have better options so that they can make better decisions for their family. It's not about people not having a hamburger once in a while."

Besides, we have plans to implement “the Hungarian solution” for your own good: Hamburger Taxes!

After the President's long answer, Martin pressed him further on Shake Shack, wanting to know if Mrs. Obama had ordered the sweet potato fries or the regular fries.

As the interrogation wrapped up NPR guy asked Big Guy how he felt about meeting the half century mark. As you might have expected, it’s really no big deal:

"You know, I feel real good about 5-0. The – obviously, I've gotten a little grayer since I took this job but otherwise, I feel pretty good," President Obama said. "And Michelle, you know, says that, you know, she – she — she still thinks I'm, I'm cute, you know. And I guess that's — that's all that matters, isn't it?"

Yes Big Guy, that is all that matters: the continuing adulation of your fans and family.

Don’t worry about the country: Congress is in session and all’s well in the arsenal of Democracy once again.


Just a little insight  from the smartest man ever to be President of the United States.

Deal with it. Getting older, I mean.

Linked By: American Digest, Thanks!