Because his BuzzFeed audition tape was so well received by the critics,
Big Guy has decided to go ahead with the job rotation program he’s been contemplating ever since Brian Williams troubles began.
So he put down his gun,
picked up his pen and signed another executive action authorizing a high level career development job rotation plan. Here are the official “rotators” who are currently under/over utilized in their current job, bored with it, or otherwise planning to spend more time with the family: John Kerry, Jon Stewart, Eric Holder, David Letterman, Brian Williams, Stephen Colbert and, of course, BO himself.
Here are the preliminary chess moves:
- Since it was his idea, Big Guy got first dibs, of course. He had a hard time choosing between the NBC Nightly News, the Daily Show and the Colbert Report because they’re all essentially the same gig - reading fake news that somebody else has written, 5 nights a week. He finally decided to go with NBC Nightly News because they pay more.
Plus, his ratings weren’t that great when he filled in for Stephen Colbert
- President of the United States - That of course left the position of President of the United States open, and again, Big Guy had a dilemma: should he give it to Eric Holder, who could carry on the work of the first, historic black President – important because America has always been and will continue to be, “essentially a nation of cowards" when it comes to race. Unfortunately, when David Letterman found out about the opening he called in his chits. After announcing his retirement from Late Night last year, it’s the only other gig he would consider: the hours are regular, the perks exceptional and as a well-practiced narcissistic jerk he is eminently qualified.
“I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States.” - At least as well as the last guy.
- Next, Brian Williams – to Secretary of State because “truthiness” hasn’t been an essential job requirement there for the last 6 years.
Which is to say, at State “truthiness” is what we say it is.
Plus, Brian has a lot of pertinent international experience. In fact, I understand that he was on the last helicopter on the roof in 1975 when we evacuated the embassy in Saigon; that should prove very useful as we continue our evacuation plans for the rest of our embassies in the Middle East and around the world.
- Jean Carré - to The Colbert Report, because like Jean, the Colberé Reporé seems vaguely and inexplicably French.
- Eric Holder - to Late Night. I know, he’s not a comedian, butt he’s at least as funny as David Letterman has been since his open heart surgery back in 2000. Which is to say, he’s about as funny as a heart attack.
- Stephan Colbert – to the Daily Show: again, I know: he was promised the the Late Night show following Letterman’s retirement. Butt that was before we located somebody for the job who’s less experienced, less funny, and less white. It’s called “restitution” and it’s perfectly legal, thanks to the guy who will be taking the reins from Letterman.
- Jon Stewart - would have been a shoo-in for NBC Nightly News because he has more experience with fake news than anyone else in the pool, even including Big Guy. Butt hey Jon, welcome to Obama’s Amerika - where race takes precedence over performance. So I guess we’ll have to give Jon the Attorney General job until something more suitable opens up.
Besides, we could use a comedian over at Justice to lighten things up a bit - and I don’t mean that in a racist way; I’m talking about all the morale fallout caused by the Fast and Furious, Black Panthers, Travon Martin, and Ferguson “controversies.”
Of course, none of this is final. Everything could change on a whim, as it often does. For example, since Brian Williams considers himself more a comedian than a statesman, he’s still lobbying for one of the official fake news desks at Comedy Central. We might give him the Daily Show and since that would open the State Department up for Eric Holder- where he could lecture the rest of the world about being cowards when it comes to race – we could put Stephen Colbert back in as the Late Night host. Where he could practice his truthiness until it’s his turn to be President.