Five hookers, a suitcase full of cocaine and Charlie Sheen: what could go wrong?
Well, for starters, now that he’s laid up with a double hernia, he just lost the opportunity to serve as Big Guy’s new press secretary. After auditioning dozens of actors for the part, Charlie was way out in front, having a leg up, so to speak, because his father actually played a U.S. President on television. Plus, he had agreed to change his name back to Estevez in order to help us with the undocumented citizens vote in 2012.
Now all bets are off and it looks like we went with our number two choice, a carnival barker who has been Joey B’s spokesperson for the past two years.
I have to admit, as long as we couldn’t get Charlie, Jay is a good choice: his experience parsing Joey B’s words was certainly good training. And the fact that he’s Claire Shipman’s husband isn’t going to hurt our credibility in the MSM either, if you follow my drift. And that’s real insider information that you won’t read about in the New York Times. I guess they consider it irrelevant. That will go a long way towards overcoming Jay’s only deficit: “It’s a tricky job,” Jay said, “and I’m sure I wouldn’t be any good at it.”
Butt on to more important topics – no, not the revolution brewing in Egypt – Lady M’s trip to South Carolina to shape up the troops.
I’ll cover her Oprah show (which was HUGE!) and ABC’s Good Morning America appearance (see? Jay’s appointment is already paying off!) later. Butt I don’t want to give short-shrift to Lady M’s continuing sacrifices for our military families. Yesterday she sacrificed by going to Fort Jackson to kick off her military fitness intervention: “Go For Green!” And while both the Army and Michigan State Spartan football fans may approve, I’m not sure how the Navy, Air Force and Marines are going to feel about being slighted, color wise.
“Go Green” is actually a new dinner campaign to turn our soldiers into locovores who eat their veggies. Apparently this is one of dozens of measures we’ve adopted for improving our national security. If you don’t see the connection right away between carrots and national security, allow me to take a stab at it. I think it’s because eating food that has traveled all the way from Mexico creates too much carbon dioxide that damages the environment and makes us more vulnerable to incoming missiles. Or something.
You’ve probably noticed our shift in wardrobe choices lately: serious, less fun stuff. A sure sign that we’ve unofficially kicked off our 2012 WTF campaign (T-shirts available soon in MOTUS’ Boutique – Little Bo and Mo are busy stocking the shelves as we speak. Standby for more information.OINK!)
And I know many of you will be pleased to hear that our new image also includes efforts to sit more like a lady: