Monday, December 28, 2009

Is That A Bomb In Your Pants, Or Are You Just Happy To Be In America?

Boy, am I glad that assignment is over. I wasn’t sure I would be allowed to tell you about it, but Toes specifically said that all the stuff I can’t talk about has been redacted from my hard drive. I wonder if he knows about that backup security firewall Raj installed?  Anyway, it’s still all here so I’ll tell you.

luau_hilton_hotel_waikiki_oahu

It all started when Bruno rudely interrupted our Christmas night Luau, 3 hours after some jerk from Nigeria - who claims he’s some big time Al Qaeda jihadist - tried to blow up a plane landing in Detroit.

Big Guy, appropriately, I think, snapped “Why are you telling me this? Isn’t that your department?” To save face I think, Bruno responded that she needed Big Guy to approve deployment of some specialized support to assist in the investigation: ME!

What could I do to help Homeland Security you ask? Me too. It seems that this knucklehead got on a plane with some sort of a explosive material sewn into his underpants, and now Bruno has to develop new TSA screening procedures to prevent this exact same thing from happening again. And who is the resident undergarment expert on Team Obama? No, not Lady M. She just wears the Spanx. I’m the one who efforts the acquisition and proper installation.

 

Spanx-main_Full 

I should have just kept my mouth shut and accepted the assignment. But I’d had a couple of Mai Tai’s (hey, I’m on vacation too!) so I offered an alternate solution that would eliminate the underwear screening that is bound to tick everyone else off: “How about you just don’t let Muslims from turd-world countries traveling to America on a one-way ticket, purchased with cash, without luggage, who are denied re-entry into the UK for suspicion of terrorist involvement, whose name is in an FBI terrorist database, whose father notified the U.S. embassy in Nigeria  that his son might do something like this, and was last seem pacing about in the airport grabbing his privates to say good bye – how about you just don’t let them get on the damn airplane!”

Bruno looked at Big Guy and smirked, and Big Guy said “uh…no. We can’t do that.”

They didn’t even give me time to reflect a few examples:

 

Here’s a “No”

captcab0a49c271a49f8a94692df60deec7diraq_female_suicide_bombers_bag501And a couple more,

r3867000360ff6

 

 

 Even Bruno agreed that nobody would let these racist rednecks on a plane, with or without the explosives.parade

 

 I wouldn’t let this guy on either

hawaii_hiva_pasefika_luau_1

 

So now I’m not allowed to have any more Mai Tai’s, and I wasted 5 hours out of my first vacation in  BO’s “official” birth state, on a TSA task force explaining the finer points of undergarments. From briefs to boxers, thongs to commando, we scrutinized every panty contingency.

Luckily, some of this may prove helpful in my day job. We used a recent shot of Lady M as an example of what should not require secondary inspections:

                                

mo arrow   Mr Ed wonders: “does that keister make my butt look small

 

To the untrained eye, this might look like an un-natural panty line which could be caused by fireworks sewn into her panties. But it is actually a fashion-forward “slimming-seam” effect achieved by wearing our stretch pants inside-out.

Thankfully, Bruno felt there was no need to get into bras and bustiers. At least not until some cross-dressing jihadist gets past security wearing a Victoria’s Secret incendiary falsie wonder bra.

I’m sorry that I can’t go into detail about what is involved in the rest of Operation SkidMarks, but I hope you don’t have to fly until this blows over and we lower the “Man-Caused Disaster Alert Color Code” to something other than “Brown”.

So it’s back to work for this girl. Things got a little out of hand while I was on assignment. We’re wearing our towels …

mo in suit-2  mo in suit-1

But I probably don’t have to worry, by tomorrow everyone else will be too, and we can read on the blogs about how fashion-forward French terry cloth is.

at 12:01 AM

25 comments:

  1. I heard this one on the tee vee so it must be OK..."One Palestinian girl to another: Does this bomb make my ass look fat?"
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  2. Gee, MO, why cover yourself with an elegant swimsuit coverup when you can walk around and look sloppy with a gaudy towel wrapped around you.

    After all, it's not like you are the First LADY or anything.

    Slob, slob, slob.
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  3. Never mind the towel. Where is the belt?? God, please, quick! Put the belt back on it!
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  4. MOTUS:
    I "notus" you neatly forwent the view of the horses's ass in order to show off the inside-out stretch pant seam.

    Oh! My goodness, my bad (blush). That IS Michelle walking with those children! My mistake.
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  5. Motus:

    At the exact moment I saw the photo of the terry-cloth covered MO I hit my knees and began a prayer of thanks to my Higher Power.

    It went like this: Thank you for giving someone the necessary intelligence to invent the beach towel. I am not sure that the good people of the world were adequately prepared for a view of MO's lower half (expansion of said lower half fueled by a gourmet chef preparing meals and snacks at her beck & call) in a swimsuit.

    The photo of Billary dancing on the beach was enough to last forever ~ it needs no updating with a view of Mobama's swimsuit clad rear view.
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  6. She wore the beach coverup to dinner at Alan Wong's?

    http://www.daylife.com/photo/02gwfUN6Z2dtQ?q=michelle+obama

    Lulu
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  7. Given Lady M's birthday is just around the corset (January 17), wouldn't it be nice if we all celebrated it by wearing our boob belts!? Every man, woman, and child in America! What a wonderful day it will be...
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  8. I love those fashion shots you posted MOTUS! Head scarfs, boob belts, masks even. Ikram has again outdone herself, Bedouin tent motif. Ikram, isn't that a Syrian name? Oh well. And.....you caught her!!!!! Mo....smuggling into the white house two bags of kibbles and bits for BO. ( The dog, not the pouch ). I am sure it didn't do anything to help her slouch. Do you think a little physical therapy would help?
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  9. Speaking of Spanx, these are the ones I believe MO wears - accounts for those wide belts worn high - to cover the bulge that has to squeeze out over the top:

    http://spnx.imageg.net/graphics/product_images/pSPNX1-4402627enh500.jpg

    Lulu
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  10. Or this nifty model:

    http://www.spanx.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2990096&cp=2992553.3010022&parentPage=family
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  11. A little off-topic Motus, but we're in need of an intervention for Bruno before they push her out on the prime-time circuit to announce -wait for it -the system did NOT work after all. The Wilsons Leather blazer and mothy turtle neck look doesn't inspire confidence in the peasants.
    If she's going to sell us on the "unruly passenger" story and swallow the last "Bush's Fault" pill, you need to spiff her up for MSM. I could see a Katie Couric look -seemed like Bruno was going for perky and positive on the Sunday rounds.
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  12. NOW, MICHELLE OBAMA TOO IS SLIDING IN THE POLLS


    LATIMES
    Dec. 28, 2009

    She's on vacation now in Hawaii, so what does she care?

    But as the first calendar year of the new White House regime draws to a close, First Lady Michelle Obama is experiencing the same drop in poll numbers as her husband. She's not elected, of course, and not charged at least officially with making the tough executive decisions that come out of the Oval Office.

    As a result, first ladies have typically fared better in different public opinion polls than their more controversial husbands. And now even as the female Harvard lawyer in the family and the one with the famously buff arms, Mrs. O still remains somewhat more popular than her spouse.

    (Sarah Palin's favorable poll ratings, btw, have risen steadily in recent months to the mid-40s. But although neither woman holds an elected office, that's something entirely different.)

    A new Rasmussen Reports survey finds that 55% of Americans have at least a somewhat favorable opinion of Mrs. Obama. That's down 7 points, or 11%, since November's survey and it's her lowest approval level since holding the Bible for her Democratic husband, Barack, to take the oath of office on that cold D.C day back on Jan. 20.


    Her approval rating is perhaps more interesting than other first ladies because she played such an active and sometimes controversial role in her husband's $750-million campaign and has taken on some high-profile assignments during her husband's early months in ...
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  13. continued here:

    http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2009/12/michelle-obama-poll-barack-obama.html
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  14. DON'T MISS THIS PHOTO OF THE NARCISSIST IN CHIEF...AND THE COMMENTS OF THE KOOLAID-DRUNK
    GROUPIES:

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/whitehouse/3963939559/
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  15. You girls give a whole new meaning to the saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me."

    MOTUS, what is that she has wondered off to stuff in her mouth? Is that secure?
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  16. was that Michelle? I thought it was the gardener.
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  17. Oh come now chiron. Gardeners are able to close their mouths and walk at the same time.
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  18. “How about you just don’t let Muslims from turd-world countries traveling to America on a one-way ticket, purchased with cash, without luggage, who are denied re-entry into the UK for suspicion of terrorist involvement, whose name is in an FBI terrorist database, whose father notified the U.S. embassy in Nigeria that his son might do something like this, and was last seem pacing about in the airport grabbing his privates to say good bye – how about you just don’t let them get on the damn airplane!”

    No, that would make to much sense. But at least you tried.

    Your first "no" example could be a MO fan who is too poor to buy a boob belt from Penney's, so he or she constructed one out of duct tape and wire. Clearly not a terrorist.
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  19. yes BettyAnn, but even the best of them will stop dead in their tracks when sucking on something juicy. What was she wiping her lips all over?
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  20. Yes, thank goodness for the towel. A back view of that lower half would shatter glass.
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  21. Could we hope that Mr. Nigera burned off his...you know...

    That at least would deal out some just desserts cause we know that 0zer0 will only put him up with his very own cell, special food and a prayer rug.

    MEshill's lagging poll numbers gives me certainty that the KoolAid drinkers will be fully wake soon.
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  22. Breeze,
    re the photo in flicker:
    Toes must be giving him ballet lessons.

    Lil
    ReplyDelete
  23. Smarmy photo and gag worthy comments by the worshipful cultists. Of course, those were from March, April. Wonder if they're all still deaf, dumb and blind today?
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  24. I couldn't read the comments. The urge to slap the writers silly had me kicking the dog.
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  25. You people are sick!
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