Monday, December 28, 2009

Is That A Bomb In Your Pants, Or Are You Just Happy To Be In America?

Boy, am I glad that assignment is over. I wasn’t sure I would be allowed to tell you about it, but Toes specifically said that all the stuff I can’t talk about has been redacted from my hard drive. I wonder if he knows about that backup security firewall Raj installed?  Anyway, it’s still all here so I’ll tell you.


It all started when Bruno rudely interrupted our Christmas night Luau, 3 hours after some jerk from Nigeria - who claims he’s some big time Al Qaeda jihadist - tried to blow up a plane landing in Detroit.

Big Guy, appropriately, I think, snapped “Why are you telling me this? Isn’t that your department?” To save face I think, Bruno responded that she needed Big Guy to approve deployment of some specialized support to assist in the investigation: ME!

What could I do to help Homeland Security you ask? Me too. It seems that this knucklehead got on a plane with some sort of a explosive material sewn into his underpants, and now Bruno has to develop new TSA screening procedures to prevent this exact same thing from happening again. And who is the resident undergarment expert on Team Obama? No, not Lady M. She just wears the Spanx. I’m the one who efforts the acquisition and proper installation.



I should have just kept my mouth shut and accepted the assignment. But I’d had a couple of Mai Tai’s (hey, I’m on vacation too!) so I offered an alternate solution that would eliminate the underwear screening that is bound to tick everyone else off: “How about you just don’t let Muslims from turd-world countries traveling to America on a one-way ticket, purchased with cash, without luggage, who are denied re-entry into the UK for suspicion of terrorist involvement, whose name is in an FBI terrorist database, whose father notified the U.S. embassy in Nigeria  that his son might do something like this, and was last seem pacing about in the airport grabbing his privates to say good bye – how about you just don’t let them get on the damn airplane!”

Bruno looked at Big Guy and smirked, and Big Guy said “uh…no. We can’t do that.”

They didn’t even give me time to reflect a few examples:


Here’s a “No”

captcab0a49c271a49f8a94692df60deec7diraq_female_suicide_bombers_bag501And a couple more,




 Even Bruno agreed that nobody would let these racist rednecks on a plane, with or without the explosives.parade


 I wouldn’t let this guy on either



So now I’m not allowed to have any more Mai Tai’s, and I wasted 5 hours out of my first vacation in  BO’s “official” birth state, on a TSA task force explaining the finer points of undergarments. From briefs to boxers, thongs to commando, we scrutinized every panty contingency.

Luckily, some of this may prove helpful in my day job. We used a recent shot of Lady M as an example of what should not require secondary inspections:


mo arrow   Mr Ed wonders: “does that keister make my butt look small


To the untrained eye, this might look like an un-natural panty line which could be caused by fireworks sewn into her panties. But it is actually a fashion-forward “slimming-seam” effect achieved by wearing our stretch pants inside-out.

Thankfully, Bruno felt there was no need to get into bras and bustiers. At least not until some cross-dressing jihadist gets past security wearing a Victoria’s Secret incendiary falsie wonder bra.

I’m sorry that I can’t go into detail about what is involved in the rest of Operation SkidMarks, but I hope you don’t have to fly until this blows over and we lower the “Man-Caused Disaster Alert Color Code” to something other than “Brown”.

So it’s back to work for this girl. Things got a little out of hand while I was on assignment. We’re wearing our towels …

mo in suit-2  mo in suit-1

But I probably don’t have to worry, by tomorrow everyone else will be too, and we can read on the blogs about how fashion-forward French terry cloth is.

Linked By: GotFreedom on White House Dossier, Thanks!