The new Zodiac has left everyone around here feeling a little uneasy.
They’re wondering amongst themselves, “if it’s that easy to re-arrange the Milky Way, just how hard could it be to switch the world currency base from the dollar to the yen?” Something that everyone agrees would not be good for Big Guy’s re-election campaign.
So we’re going to have President Hu over for dinner, ply him with food and drink and then ask him not to do that. Big Guy’s even agreed to bow to him, if that’s what it takes.
Butt before we can discuss the world economy, let’s finish up my analysis of the First Wons newly assigned astrology signs. Yesterday we examined Lady M’s suitability to her new sign. Today we’ll assess Big Guy’s re-assignment in the massive Zodiac overhaul.
Originally a Leo (allegedly), here are some characteristics associated with those born under the sign of the Lion:
The Fire sign in these people is enthusiastic, energetic, and optimistic.
…and cool?
They don't like much change. Status quo suits them fine.
Excuse me? Do we know who we’re talking about here?
People born in this period always aim to get above the common herd of humanity,
No sheeple here
and they themselves in turn are naturally attracted to strong personalities
Hmmm, this may be an anomaly
OK, back on track. Quadruple check here
If injured, they strike back quickly,
“If they bring a knife, you bring a gun, man. Got it?”
but they also forgive easily and never hold a grudge.
I think we can call that one a check. It’s just a rumor that Big Guy has an “enemies” list.
Who do you think he is? Nixon?
The typical Leo is flamboyant and generous with tremendous charm and a magnanimous spirit.
The Generous, Charming O
They are usually lucky in money matters, often having money given to them from unthought-of sources;
Wow! I’ll say! A Check – for me? To buy the lot next door?
but they crave love above all, and this is the one thing they seldom get.
No love???? You cannot be serious!!!!
Such people have the power to inspire others…They have an ability to lead their men through fire or death.
Or at least around Martha’s Vineyard
Though full of ambition and enthusiasm, Leo has to admit to a lazy streak
OK, we may have a DNA match here.
These people are usually very patient and long-suffering, but if once roused, they know no fear and do not even know when they meet defeat, or acknowledge it when they do.
Unclear on the “patient, long-suffering” part; butt check on the “inability to admit defeat” part.
As a rule, people born in this period feel isolated and lonely in life, and if not actively employed in some work or purpose they become melancholy and despondent.
I can see how being out of work would do that
And that might explain the self-medication
Big Guy caught in one of his Nic-i-leaks
Leo does look like a pretty good fit. I think Cancer is going to have to work some to come up with a better match. And it already has a strike going against it due to the the Prostate Cancer Awareness group’s appropriation of the Cancer sign to promote its cause.
Probably not our best campaign slogan
Let’s take a look at the characteristics of Big Guy’s new sign, the Crab:
These are very complex people, sometimes appearing extremely strong and at other times to be as vulnerable as a child.
Big Guy does have an irrational fear of spiders and conservatives.
So far so good.
Once they overcome their touchiness and master their turbulent emotions, their intellect and imagination enable them to become a success in almost anything they undertake.
I must admit: the beer summit was an ingenious way out of that whole “acting stupidly” thing
These people are remarkably good at accumulating things; indeed, they can be unwilling to throw anything out, even relationships that have passed their use-by date.
OK –Check - on the accumulating things, butt lets not get into the relationships issue. Besides, it’s a bit crowded under our bus.
They are generally over-anxious in financial matters, and make great efforts to gather in money;
CHECK! And by that I mean “it’s in the bank”
At heart they are romantic and of a very loving and affectionate disposition.
Uhhhhh – OK.
On the other hand these people are perhaps the most sensitive natures from any other class of people and if (they) aren’t recognized they quickly give up or get depressed and melancholy.
Again with that depression thing! Is everyone reading Ulsterman?
Besides, Big Guy has his ways of coping
Above all, they require encouragement and appreciation.
One of the reasons we’re addicted to campaigning
People born in this part of the year often reach very high exalted positions.
Yikes! Maybe there is something to this new galaxy alignment!
In their home lives, however, they usually go through a great deal of trouble, and are seldom surrounded by happiness, no matter how successful they may appear in the eye of the world.
This is starting to get scary
Such people have deep love for what they call "their own people,"
I guess. If by “own people” you mean “the ones not under the bus.”
Well, there you have it.
Both Big Guy and Lady M could go either way. Although, I’d have to give a slight edge to their original signs of the Goat and the Lion. It’s worked out pretty well for both of them so far, so maybe they should just stick with them.
And since they were promised that they could keep the signs they’ve got if they’re happy with them, I’m going to suggest they both exercise their waivers.
In fact, maybe Big Guy could just issue an Executive Order to repeal the whole new Zodiac plan because, as far as I can tell from my comments section, nobody likes their new horoscope anyway.
One thing I’ve learned from my years of reflecting around Washington is this: when the cure is worse than the disease, it’s always best to take a pass.
I say, Repeal Now. Before it’s too late and people start getting used to being an Ophiuchus.
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