Sunday, January 16, 2011

The Zodiac Killer Strikes: Part II

When I left you yesterday, we had just recapped the realignment of the galaxy to squeeze in another Zodiac sign

07_full_600x400in order to make good on a campaign promise. Among the unintended consequences, reassignment of Lady M’s and Big Guy’s astrological signs.

Today I’m going to review the evidence in order to determine if they’ve been properly reassigned. If not, we’ll have to issue the First Couple special waivers because they were promised that if they liked their current horoscopes, they could keep them.

So I’ll be examining the characteristics of MO and BO’s prior and current Zodiac signs to see if this governmental intervention makes sense, or if it’s just another diversity program run amuck.

Today I’ll analyze Lady M’s astrological charts. She was a Capricorn under the previous Administration, so we’ll examine the traits associated with the Goat:

These people are usually ambitious and the lives of those born under this sign are marked by a purposeful pursuit of their destiny.

DV811752 Check

CAPRICORNS have a sense of purpose and a great faith in their own ability.

article-1327192-0BEFF8AE000005DC-874_306x524Rockin’ her world

People born in January are usually mentally strong, but they are, as a rule, generally (not) understood by other people.

 awkward!No touching,  pipsqueak 


They are thinkers, reasoners, and usually successful in business or any form of government work.

cat in hat

They are as a rule very independent and high-minded in all what(sic) they do, and detest being under the restraint of others.

cooch4 See Cripes Suzette for full disclosure on the cooch issue

Capricorns will grind anything that gets in their way down to dust.

desiree1Desi made us look bad, so she had to die (that’s just rhetoric, of course)


 Time is definitely on their side.  It gets easier for them as they older.  When they age, they cheer up too.

Well, I don’t think I’d bank on that last one.

Although they may seem to be cold, they have warm hearts towards suffering,


and as a rule they give away very much, but subscribe more generously when giving to institutions than when giving to a person.

mohealthEspecially when she’s giving your money

Such people have non-typical ideas of love, duty, and social position, and that is why they are often considered to be "odd," and do not fit in easily with their neighbors or colleagues.

MO Dancer-1 copy

CAPRICORNS have a great sense of pride and will not forgive anyone who belittles or slights them

o-mag-march-092 copyDon’t worry, we’ve made up with the Oprah D-oprah now

    ive seen this skirt before

They are often excellent speakers, but not because they are good orators, but because they plain their speech.


Mo, plainin’ her speech for the folks

They worship intellectual, clever people;



They should aim for some form of public life.


And aim high.

dis dress

Government or responsible positions of control and management of others is the best work for them.


(These) people are inclined to excite bitter opposition but bear up against it with a philosophic spirit. Their home and family life is very often a troubled one. They frequently feel "lonely-hearted" and misunderstood, even if it is not so.

Check, check, check,check and double check.

They place great importance on personal happiness.

mo antoinette-1 copy Double,double check.

If we take in the full picture, we will see that it is a mixed bag of both greatness and evil. This can take many forms. It can show one who suffers at the hand of evil and who is cast out in disgrace, or it can show one who has sacrificed their own soul to gain the world, or some variation in between.

Wow! Her new sign is really going to have to go some to beat this match!

Let’s see how Sagittarius stands up to Lady M’s personality traits: 

They are often the great workers; such people never seem to tire until they drop with fatigue.

Imacon Color Scanner

Well, I have seen Lady M drop, butt it’s usually not from fatigue.


They would rather learn on their own, through travel and experience, than endure structured classroom environments and routine work assignments.

af1 Well, we do like to travel.

High spirited and congenial, they are a gifted conversationalist, a wonderful storyteller, and a born entertainer.  

blue cinch

 If by “entertainer” you mean “harpy”

One of their great difficulties lies within relationships. They are completely able to be faithful to two people at once.

As long as at least one of those two people is, um, her.

The women born in this Sign are, as a rule, the nobler of the two; they love to make their husbands successful and will sacrifice everything to that end.  

the wonsOh, we sacrifice. Every day.

They are usually great church-goers.

jeremiah_wright_0429 If by “church” you mean “chickens coming home to roost.”

On the other hand both men and women when they settle down they usually treat themselves strictly. They refuse to let the relationship get stale and always look for ways to bring excitement into the union.

obamas_date Bingo! Date Nights!

They venerate law and order and make the best of mothers.

Let’s just say the jury is out on those last two items.  

So far I’d say the balance is in favor of Lady M’s original goat sign. Butt we’ll have to wait until tomorrow, when I can complete Big Guy’s astrological analysis, before we decide if we’re going to exercise our waivers.