Vladimir Putin (5'7", allegedly), let’s review:
His first term as President of Russia coincided with George W. Bush’s stolen American Presidency.
From 2000-2008 Putin tried, more or less, to make nice with America and the West. Accordingly, he confined most of his inner-machismo to his big game hunts;
and dealing with internal enemies.
Ask Litvinenko: Is polonium a chemical weapon?
Then, when GWB’s second term was over, he gave Dmitry Medvedev (5'4")
a “short” run as president and used his self-imposed timeout to study this new American President, Barack Hussein Obama. “A very unique Amerikan president,” he said to himself.
So he spent the next 4 years working out in the gym and taking karate lessons.
Having assessed this Amerikan “fundamental transformation” and this new Amerikan president, he felt the whole world was due for some of this HOPE and CHANGE. Hence, he determined the time was ripe for the reemergence of the Russian Bear.
So prior to his next Russian presidential “reelection” he set about having a series of promotional photos taken of himself without a shirt, doing manly things.
Not so much to impress his countrymen, who were predestined to vote for him anyway, butt in order to intimidate his Amerikan arch enemy. Which it did; even Big Guy was overheard commenting that Pooty had a really big stick, and that in deference to it he would be far more flexible after his own reelection.
So when Putin won the Russian presidency, unexpectedly, in 2012 Big Guy decided to play nice with him this time around, lest he be considered to be arrogant, dismissive or even derisive.
So, let’s recap: while Pooty was shooting tigers and bears and elk, Big Guy was busy shooting, well, you know:
And while BO had his functionaries spying on and punishing his enemies:
Putin did his own spying,
and just used his functionaries for the actual whack.
So, in conclusion, despite who you voted for in yesterday’s Preliminary 2016 Presidential Poll, here’s some helpful drinking advice from each of our leading candidates:
How to drink like Putin:
1. Mix Stolichnaya vodka (2 parts) with the tears of Georgian nationalists (1 part) and the broken dreams of Russian democracy advocates (2 parts).
2. Gently shake.
5. Sip while watching your most vocal opponents dig their own graves in the Siberian wilderness
How to drink like Barry:
Just suck it up.
This message was brought to you by Lady M’s coalition to drink more healthy water.
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Cross-Posted on Patriot Action Network