Friday, May 9, 2014

Just in time for Mother’s Day: the Little Bag of MOO Essentials

DISQUS OUTAGE: As of 8:00pm Disqus is back online…blog-on!!!

It’s Friday again. Already. And because we’re all weary of the week’s *wretch-ed* news we’re going to do something different today. Since I was unable to attend the Second Annual Friends of MOTUS Flyover Fest ™(FFF) in Galveston last month, they sent me a commemorative goodie bag just like the one given to all the lucky attendees. My bag finally arrived (compliments of the US Postal service) so I’m taking the opportunity to catalogue all the swag contained therein.

First (and long gone), RobinH made professional, homemade sugar cookies shaped like sandcastles, complete with a flag flying atop! At first I thought it a subtle reference to BO’s red line in the sand, his manipulative response to Hurricane Sandy or the fact that the Republicans drove the car off the road and into the sand, leaving Big Guy to clean up the mess.


Then I realized it was just a non-cynical reference to Galveston’s beautiful beaches. Since I immediately scarfed it down without a thought about posterity, perhaps Robin can post a picture for us.

Janna (in addition to providing the group with the giant rolling tea trolley) spiced up the goodie bag with jars of Hatch Salsa, dip mix, chip bag clip, American Eagle shot glass and various promotional items from the Jade Painting Company – all the  way from Hawaii! The alleged birth state of you-know-who.

JLHann contributed inspirational and fun themed book marks made from her beautiful combination of hand calligraphy and artwork. You can use them to mark your place in any of Lady M’s garden books or Big Guy’s multiple autobiographies.

And Creeper had the official canvas Swag Bags made up with the official Second Annual FFF logo:


She also provided everyone with several cedar balls (not quite as telling as Captain Queeg’s steel balls, butt they smell better) and a bar/kitchen towel. Creeper didn’t elaborate on the significance of these items, so I leave it up to your fertile imaginations.

I understand that the original swag bags also contained bags of Bucky Nuts. Butt since there were only enough for the actual attendees I’m guessing here again: they may have been a tribute to all the squirrels unleashed from the Big White. That would explain the cedar balls too.

squirrel balls

And then, there was a very special  “little bag of MO essentials” created and assembled by MathMom. I’m turning the rest of the post over to her to explain its contents. Take it away MM:

Thanks MOTUS!

Since the FFF came into being to gather FOMs, MOLs and MODs, I thought it would be appropriate to have as the theme for my little offering the reason for the blog – Her Mooness, FLATUS, our very own Bossy First Lady.

I thought since Moo thinks she can tell us new things, like that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, and that no one understood what the military does until she came along, and since no way will any of us peons ever be able to sport the “fabulously toned arms” of our FLATUS, we could at least take a page or two out of her style book and go for Her Look.

I made little gift bags that commemorate her style and fashion, uh, statements…and put in them things that will help us be the best we can be. Or if that fails, we can get a subsidy from someone else.

The bags:

Each of these little bags commemorates a Special Moo Look.

This first bag commemorates Inauguration Day 2009, back to when we had no freaking idea of how bad it was going to be.

Come on, really! Is that a mustard-colored jacket and dress, with a baby-poop yellow, I don’t know,
sweater(??) underneath, tied with an organza ribbon, and olive drab leather gloves? (FOUR textures
and counting…) How is it possible even to find such colors, unless they were accidentally washed with
your brand-new jeans and a dark brown towel? And this should have warned us…the first appearance
of the Goose Poop Green pumps. Which match precisely nothing that she’s wearing. Since these colors
are not actually on any color wheel, this gift bag had to suffice. And, Grrrl, you walk like a Clydesdale.
But Clydesdales look right when they walk that way. Because they are horses.

Then, Her Mooness went to Copenhagen, and brought out her Reynolds Wrap dress in gold. It was
another hint, and we should all have just drunk the cyanide-laced Kool-Aid back then. It would have
been less painful.

So our Gold Foil Bag commemorates the Gold Foil Dress that was cut to fit like the dress on a Betsy Wetsy doll. This had to be as far off the charts as it was possible to get, right???

Well, Moo evidently fell in a vat of glitter.

We were starting to see a trend. Strange, colorless or clashing cardigans, or cardigans worn backwards… cardigans worn with everything, bling, bling and more bling, outfits made of gold foil WITH GLITTER, because gold foil alone is too understated. I guess. And let’s don’t even talk about all the shiny high heels and sneakers.

I need to breathe into a bag for a few moments. There. That’s better.

So? What’s in the bags?

Let’s just say that Moo’s look has (*cough*)evolved (*cough*) so the items will help you evolve, too. I present: The Idolizing Moo’s Fashion Sense Makeup Bags!



Is it RuPaul or MooPaul? Who cares! With these false eyelashes, people can wonder if you are a tranny, too!


If you are not frightening enough in your native state, you can use the Sharpie marker to give yourself MooBrows! (Sorry, I didn’t put in lip liner and gloss – if you want Anus Lips you will have to go shopping yourself.)

How much worse could it be? Dare I say “Pop o’ Color???”

Again, it is impossible to find nail polish colors in nature or anywhere else, for that matter, that are more heinous that the ones that Moo uses, then allows herself to be photographed in and put in high resolution on our computer monitors. But each bag has a Michelle Obama Signature “Pop o’ Color” bottle of nail polish, so that you can try to make your feet look like this. But why?

Because you have a mean streak, that is why. And Halloween just doesn’t come often enough?

Well, that just about finishes the contents of the bags. So here is Moo to wish us buh-bye, and thank us for funding her exceptionally extravagant and tasteless lifestyle!

You want to be able to wave buh-bye to Moo someday too, don’t you? I mean, how can we miss her if she won’t go away? But what if your hands won’t cooperate? What if your hands do this:

(yes, I miss you very much, President Bush)

Or this…

PLEASE!!! NOOOoooooo!!!! It seems like you have lived in Our House FOR. EV. ER. already, and you have freaking prospered enough on the taxpayers’ dime!!!

So, the final item in the bag:


Rubber bands to give you Michelle Obama Buh-Bye Hands!

Now, Moo, take a hint. Buh-BYE!!!

So let’s all give MathMom a big air smooch and a round of applause – being careful to keep those 3 fingers together - for  her expert cataloguing of the Essence of MOO. And likewise for Creeper and Lady Bikki (aka Janna) who did all of the heavy lifting and organizing required to pull off the Second Annual FFF!  Wish I could have joined you, butt I’ve been vicariously enjoying the event through the contents of my first ever Swag Bag.

And BTW, if you’re too cool for the rubber band version of the Buh-BYE Hands I found this little bauble on the George Jensen site that should do the trick, with a lot more panache. It’s an ingenious double ring from the North Star Collection that will hold those wandering digits together like glue for only €3,780 or $5,230 dollars. 


The inspiration for North Star was the glowing astral body of the northern pole star. [ed. That’s code for “Lady M”]

The double ring is to be worn on two fingers. It comes in 4 sizes each of which covers two ring sizes to allow for different finger sizes on the hand. Materials: 18 kt white gold with pavé set brilliant cut diamonds, total 1.55 ct.


They were originally going to make this a three-fer and call it the “Lady M Triple Finger Ring” butt apparently you can’t legally sell a triple finger ring because that would technically be classified as brass knuckles.

I think this would make the perfect Mother’s Day gift for Mom!

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Cross-Posted on Patriot Action Network