Friday, March 25, 2011

Our Own Mid-East Crisis: Why Vogue Sucks

It’s not so much that our Latin American wine tour and trade mission was a bad idea as it was just bad timing. There’s been nothing butt trouble since we left, and even getting back to work has been trouble.

Big Guy forgot to tell the housekeeper that he was coming back a tad early and got locked out of the office.

Screenshot Studio capture #033 Here’s looking at you, kid.

It could happen to any body. We are just thankful that there weren’t any cops around, acting stupidly.

Then, when he did finally get inside, there was a harsh letter from Speaker Boehner waiting, demanding to know what our intentions and plans are for Libya. 

Big Guy couldn’t respond immediately because his secretary hasn’t really told him yet. So far, it looks like all we have in hand is a coalition of the unwilling led by the reluctant against the unmovable. Which is why we’re now trying to hand it off to NATO. Unfortunately NATO ‘R Us. Except for a bunch of European trained musicians, chefs and chocolatiers. We really need to find someone else to hand this mess off too. Rush had a few suggestions yesterday that Big Guy followed up on, to no avail. Here, I’ll let you listen in  (shhh, don’t tell anyone! I could get in big trouble):

Red Phone 1:Cameron and Sarkozy

Paul Shanklin for Rush Limbaugh

Red Phone 2: Bill and George W

Paul Shanklin for Rush Limbaugh


As you can tell, we’re still efforting that transition.

Meanwhile, peace is breaking out everywhere in the Middle East. As of this morning it looks like we’re going to get to participate in Yemen's liberation too, even as Secretary of Defense Gates is putting Syria on notice that they might be our next target of “kinetic military action,” BTW, we’re renaming it again: “military peace dividend” - a term that tested much more positively.

Butt here’s the scoop of the day: the real reason Syria’s Basha al-Assad must go. As is often the case in these clandestine operations, what you see is just the shadow. Case in point: Syria is not so much about getting rid of dictator Basha al-Assad, it’s about getting rid of his wife, Asma al-Assad.

That’s right, BFF Anna Wintour proved herself to be just another two-faced b**ch,

main_2233 Double agent Anna

telling us to our face “oh Mee-chelle, you look sooooo mahvelous” and so on, and even telling the WSJ Magazine

we have a beautiful and brilliant First Lady who loves clothes and enjoys them, and she is going to send that message to women all over America -- they can wear beautiful clothes and still be taken seriously.”

leaving rio Beautiful clothes, being taken seriously

And then she turns around and, behind our back, names Asma al-Assad  the hottest, smartest First Lady in the world earlier this month.

al-Assad-wife-in-Vogue-blog Asma al-Assad

Honestly, it was disgusting: I’ve never seen such a puff piece! Here are a few extracts from the article. Just look at the drivel they wrote about her!

Asma al-Assad is glamorous, young, and very chic—the freshest and most magnetic of first ladies. Her style is not the couture-and-bling dazzle of Middle Eastern power but a deliberate lack of adornment…

The first impression of Asma al-Assad is movement—a determined swath cut through space with a flash of red soles. Dark-brown eyes, wavy chin-length brown hair, long neck, an energetic grace. No watch, no jewelry apart from Chanel agates around her neck, not even a wedding ring, but fingernails lacquered a dark blue-green. She’s breezy, conspiratorial, and fun.

The 35-year-old first lady’s central mission is to change the mind-set of six million Syrians under eighteen… “It’s about everyone taking shared responsibility in moving this country forward, about empowerment in a civil society.”

Her accent is English but not plummy. Despite what must be a killer IQ, she sometimes uses urban shorthand: “I was, like. . . .”

Asma al-Assad empties a box of fondue mix into a saucepan for lunch.

So let me get this straight; her claim to fame is that she does NOT wear jewelry? And talks like a Valley girl? And she does her own cooking? Fondue out of a box? Please. Let me ask you this: does she grow her own organic vegetables? I think not.

The household is run on wildly democratic principles. “We all vote on what we want, and where,” she says. The chandelier over the dining table is made of cut-up comic books. “They outvoted us three to two on that.”

al-assad family Bashar, just a guy in the neighborhood

Not a mention of fact that the comic book chandelier is the sum total of “democracy” in the land of Syria. Not a peep about her husbands dictatorial tendencies, his human rights violations, his imperial behavior. Oh no - just the journalistic equivalent of a tryst with these two pretenders. Disgusting.

Honestly, is it any surprise the entire Middle East is going up in smoke? I sure hope people are paying attention.

Beware the Media-Won World Order conspiracy.