Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Fairness Under Barack: America Recovers

Man, oh man, did TOTUS deliver Big Guy read a rip snorter in Osawatomie, Kansas yesterday or what? Ok, there was that little brain fart at the very beginning:

In all fairness, when you are campaigning touching Indians (H/T: Dennis Miller) reaching out to ordinary Americans as much as BO, it’s hard to remember which of the 60 states you are actually in, Dorothy.

Yes, I said 60 states. I know, the R-words have been lying about Big Guy thinking that there are 57 states since 2008. Butt if you listen carefully and count, he says he’s “been in” 57 states with one left to go, AND he wasn’t allowed to go to Alaska (Sarahcuda) or Hawaii(not till Winter Holiday). According to my totally up-to-date mathemagical pack, that’s 57+1+2= 60! So, enough with the 57 states nonsense. Another myth busted, by facts.

Butt speaking of fairness, and TOTUS/Big Guy did - more than once every 4 minutes - in last night’s 55 minute drone big read, you know what our newerer (H/T Meghan McCain) strategy to WTF 2012 is going to be: fairness. Slogans to follow.

Here’s the 30 second summary of Big Guy’s 55 minute speech: The American Dream is dead, thanks to greedy capitalists. Thank Gaia we still have Government to make things fair by taxing the rich and spreading the wealth around.

bait-and-switch-640H/T Washington Times

Now we finally understand why Big Guy has been so supportive of the Occupy crowd: they just want to dismantle capitalism and make everything fairerer too. Because after all, it’s not fair that some people have a bigger piece of that very limited American pie than others. I don’t know why it hasn’t occurred to Big Guy to just bake more pies.


Heck, he enjoyed 6 different pies himself on Thanksgiving. I wonder why he doesn’t just have chef start baking some more pies so that everyone who contributes something to the feast can enjoy a slice too?

Anyway, back to our theme-of-the-week: fair play, fair share, fair shot – (can he say that? Didn’t somebody get in trouble over that kind of speech?)

“Fair” has become the moral equivalency of, well, moral. Political correctness has been transferred to the government Department of Ethics and now in order to qualify for your moral credentials in the government’s eyes (not to mention your grants) you must be fair. Watch for the roll-out of our new Federally mandated program and department: the Federal Department of Affirmative Fairness.Could someone explain that one to Gaia? And the rest of the animal kingdom? Butt I guess if anyone can define “fair” it would be the Government. It may take several thousand pages, and if it’s not fair the first time, we can always redo it.

 Federal Tax Code:72,536 pages and counting

So anyhoo, our new fairness doctrine will be administered by the government, just like all the other important aspects of your life like light bulb usage and toilet flush volumes.

After all, we’ve already demonstrated that government officials have a better affinity for running things than the private sector. Everything from Homeland Security (where they came up with the idea of fighting terrorism with Snow Cone machines) to car companies (where they created a car that runs 35 miles before exploding) to bankrupt mortgage banks (where they sent everyone to a conference to learn how to give away even more money). In Fannie and Freddies defense however, they spent all that money to “hold crucial meetings with hundreds of customers to discuss ways to address the housing crisis.[ed. that they created in the first place]” 

Someone should really tell those guys about the internet (H/T: Algore). I understand you can even hold meetings online now! Extraordinary. Too bad though that, like ATMs, it put so many people out of work.

So don’t worry America. Big Guy’s got your back. and the sloganeers are busy developing messages to remind you of that every day. So far, though, all they’ve got is “Fairness Under  Barack: America Recovers” butt since they’re now required to run all of their slogans through the acronym generator, they’ve been sent back to the drawing board.


Don’t worry Stanley, it’s been launched

Linked By: Clarice Feldman on PJ Tatler, and motherbelt on News Busters, Thanks