Monday, April 2, 2012

There’s No There There. Really.

So, with the price of gas continuing its historic rise, we’ll be announcing a new plan this week. It’s another of Big Guy’s patented twofers: this one will not only provide a new public transit system butt also revive demand for our mothballed clean energy Chevy Volt.

Here’s the plan: It starts with Big Guy’s prized plan for a California high-speed bullet train-to-nowhere, according to some, butt actually from downtown San Francisco to downtown Los Angeles. The original price tag was $43 billion (all but $9 billion from your federal tax dollars – in case you ever wanted to ride between San Fran and LA). Unfortunately the price escalated at an unbelievable high-speed, to $98 billion. Concerned, bankrupt California - who might get struck with a good deal of the overrun - slashed $30 billion out of the plan by changing the plan to use existing lines and run the bullet from suburban San Fran to suburban LA: thereby making it literally the train to nowhere. (h/t and apologies to Gertrude Stein)


What was the use of my having come from Oakland…there is no there there”

                                Gertrude Stein




Here’s where the pure genius comes in: since nobody actually works anywhere near any of the new terminuses everyone using the train will now need two cars: one for each end of the very long commute. Odds are you only have one, so you will have to buy a new one, and Big Guy’s still offering $10,000 subsidies on a brand new Chevy Volt! Win Win!!

Let’s have more of that kind of innovative thinking.

And to finance these subsidies, the bullet train and our other really big ideas, Big Guy’s still got a plan on the table. He’s still waiting for the do-nothing Congress to pass the Buffett Rule, as he reminded us for the millionth time in his weekly address:

But I think asking a billionaire to pay at least the same tax rate as his secretary is just common sense.

And as he reminded everybody in his millionth stump speech of the WTF campaign (that hasn’t actually commenced yet): “This isn’t class warfare. It’s math!”

bo's nose knowsBO, doing the math in Maine last week

First off, the “Buffet Rule” as Big Guy likes to call it, should actually be called the “Buffet’s Secretary Rule.” I actually think it’s a little sexist to name it after the boss. Anyway, it is a proposal that would ensure “that millionaires and billionaires do not pay less in taxes as a share of their income than middle class families pay -- as a matter of fairness.”

Butt okay, let’s do the math on the Buffet Rule: Currently millionaires pay 35% on income (a higher percentage of their income than their secretaries pay unless they’re paying their secretaries an awful lot of money – in which case they’d be part of the 1% too). What the “Buffett Rule”  addresses is their tax on capital gains, i.e. taxes on gains they’ve made from investments they’ve made with money they already paid 35% tax on.) Currently they pay another 15% on these gains. Big Guy thinks doubling that to 30% sounds fairer.

bo how bigIt’s arbitrary, butt this seems more like your fair share to me

Of course that means the millionaires and billionaires will have 15% less capital available to reinvest in the economy to try to generate real economic growth. Butt don’t worry, we’ll make up for that by increasing their corporate tax rate and/or eliminating current tax credits (not to be confused, as Big Guy always does, with subsidies).

Because we all know from history that it was government investment that made America great in the first place, right?

bridge to nowhereYour government: busy building tomorrow’s bridge to nowhere today

Econ 101: you can only make capital gains on money you’ve invested in something else, and that money was already taxed once (at 35%) when the millionaires and billionaires earned it.  The government just wants their fair share of what you’ve managed to earn on what’s left of your own money. So as you see, it’s not class warfare; it’s punishment for having enough money left over to make risky investments.

So is that too much math? Bottom line, Big Guy’s “little bit more” is actually double the current rate. Plus it will take more than that out of the “macro-economy” – something Big Guy’s not as interested in (because it requires even more math). Besides, his mathemagicians have figured this out. They’re going to lose a little bit on every sale butt will make up for it in volume: spending more of your money wisely!

 intercontinental railwayNow let’s get back to work on that Intercontinental Railway, okay?


Now, with respect to Lady M’s appearance on the Kid’s Choice Awards show: this is what her outfit was supposed to look like (h/t Fausta Juno and Anonymouse)

Wes Gordon Fall Winter 2011Wes Gordon Fall Winter 2011

and for the very last word on what it did look like, you should consult SondraKistan who seems to be implying that “the bitch stole my look” – AND tried to “steal my smooch!”

smooch copy

“Step away from the singer!”

As to why Lady M dresses that way, we’ll I can’t say for sure. That’s a question for the ages.


     “There ain’t no answer.

      There ain’t gonna be any answer.

      There never has been an answer.

      There’s your answer.”

                                 Gertrude Stein