Well I didn’t win the Powerball drawing last night. And apparently you didn’t either.
With no winners in Saturday night's record $949.8 million Powerball jackpot, the next jackpot could reach an estimated $1.3 billion, lottery officials said early Sunday.
What would you do if you won $1.3 billion? And since we’re playing make believe, let’s pretend that you don’t have to first give half your winnings to the IRS. I’d buy new appliances and spend the rest buying the 2016 American presidential election. At least I think $1.3 billion would be enough to Make America Great Again (MAGA).
Alternatively, if it begins to look like there are enough Americans who want to MAGA without my investment, I might put a yuge bounty on Sean Penn’s head for aiding and abetting a fugitive. It would be payable only if you deliver him alive to Mexican officials for processing and handling.
There he could live out his anti-American life making some new Mexican friends:
and existing as carbon-free as is humanly possible.
Penn is happy to report in his Rolling Stone exclusive that Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman is not your run-of-the-mill drug lord:
“I took some comfort in a unique aspect of El Chapo’s reputation among the heads of drug cartels in Mexico: that, unlike many of his counterparts who engage in gratuitous kidnapping and murder, El Chapo is a businessman first, and only resorts to violence when he deems it advantageous to himself or his business interests.”
So that’s good: no gratuitous violence! Only if necessary! Just like in Hollywood! Which it frequently is, apparently.
Butt if you’re upset with the reknowned anti-gun, anti-American, climate expert and drug kingpin fanboy,
Just remember; like fellow self-absorbed tiger blood drinking thespian Charlie Sheen, Sean’s not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer:
“In school I was a genius of the year preceding the year I was in, every year.” – Esquire
Cross-Posted on Patriot Action Network