Wednesday, December 5, 2018

Note To Big Tuna: Try Harder

I read yesterday that Big Tuna is blaming millennials for a downturn in canned tuna sales (The Trouble With Tuna: ‘A Lot of Millennials Don’t Even Own Can Openers’).

Now I’ve found fault with millennials in the past for all sorts of things - mostly related to their willful lack of critical thinking skills and their mindless adoption of looney leftist dogma that they’ve been spoon fed and indoctrinated in since inception – but even I am unwilling to blame them for the demise of canned tuna.

If it’s true that millennials don’t own can openers we could be dealing with a hardware problem rather than a software issue. However I see elsewhere that people are suggesting it may have more to do with millennials being concerned with dolphins getting trapped in tuna nets, or a health concern about mercury poisoning in ocean fish. Or possibly because they’re “a generation that cares about the environment and struggles with the level of tuna overfishing.” Except even the author of that excuse concedes that millennials are likewise the generation that made Ahi poke bowls mega-popular, so maybe not that (last) one.” Actually, the ahi poke bowls phenom negates all the other excuses so it looks like we’re back to the can opener as the culprit - a diagnosis that seems to be supported by evidence of increasing sales of fresh and frozen fish. So presumably millennial households have cooking utensils, but their ‘paraphernalia’ doesn’t extend to a basic device to open a can. I would hate to see what’s in their bug-out bags.

Anyway, I’m still not sure I buy the can opener excuse.

tuna cans

Considering a partial list of other things millennials have killed:


Everything from soup to nuts…and mayonnaise. I think this mystery is a bit more complex. I don’t know how we can expect millennials to eat canned tuna without cream of mushroom soup to turn it into a tasty casserole, or without mayonnaise to transform it into sandwich ambrosia. Having already killed such staples tuna just looks, smells and tastes like expensive cat food.

So back to you, Big Tuna. Try harder.


Millennials appreciate it when you cater to them.