MOTUS A.D.: Living in Alternate Universes

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Living in Alternate Universes

While everybody else has been wowed by the new R² team, let me just point out that Lady M was busy wowing the crowd herself in Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

“Well, thank you so much. Wow, I didn’t know there were this many people here. This is so, so cool. Thank you. I am beyond thrilled to be here. I mean, this is a beautiful state. And just being here just reminds us just how blessed we are to live in this country.”

In fact, she set a new world record for using “just” three times in a non-compound sentence! It could be the altitude, or possibly just the natural beauty of Jackson Hole, one of the highest per capita income zip codes in the nation.

While not normally Lady M’s kind of place – too much nature, not enough shopping – she was quite taken with this mountain enclave of the 0.1% Wall Street bears. And she’ll be back.

“And I guarantee you, we will be back. I mean, this is a place that I want my mother to see, I want my girls to see. (Applause.) So you can guarantee we will be back. We’re just going to handle a few things over the next -- (laughter) -- couple of months, and we will be back.”

Anyway, for those keeping track of these things, Lady M’s 30 minute address in Jackson Hole also contained an even dozen of her trademark rhetorical “rights?” - which isn’t even close to her personal best (20) let alone a new record. Although she did tie the all time score for belaboring a point with this remark:

“It’s like Barack has always said: It just takes one voice to change a room. And if one voice can change a room, it can certainly change a city. And if it can change a city, it can change a state. And if it can change a state, it can change a nation.”

I think that deserves a silver medal. Or at least a hug from future Olympians.

Here’s the deal: just because Romney picked just the running mate Team Obama was HOPE-ing for doesn’t mean we can just stop sacrificin’ around here. We still need scads of money to fight the R² team that wants to throw granny over the cliff and kill more former steel worker’s wives. Those ads are really expensive.

Although MO would have loved to have spent more time at one of the many spas in Jackson Hole, alas, it was just a brief stop to “touch Indians” and bag the proceeds. Then on to Colorado for more of the same:

More touching Indians in Aurora

Butt our real destination for this trip: LA. We’ll be taping the Tonight show on Monday and attending several fund raisers, including one at Gwen Stefani’s house! We’ll need an armored truck for the proceeds from those Indians.

And don’t think Big Guy is sloughing off either. Before departing on Saturday for five (5!) Birthday fundraisers in Chicago on Sunday, Big Guy held his annual Iftar dinner Friday evening.

Somehow Abe always makes BO look like a little man.

The Big White Iftar dinner is an important gesture which demonstrates that religious freedom in America is still alive and enthusiastically supported by your President, as long as it isn’t a hateful religion that wages war against women’s reproductive rights, like Catholics.

Big Guy took the opportunity to extol Islam’s new open mindedness towards women:

Also, for the very first time in Olympic history, every team now includes a woman athlete. And one of the reasons is that every team from a Muslim-majority country now includes women as well. And more broadly -- that's worth applauding. (Applause.) Absolutely.

“absolutely”

No way this costume will be detrimental to performance

More broadly, we’ve seen the extraordinary courage of Muslim women during the Arab Spring -- women, right alongside men, taking to the streets to claim their universal rights, marching for their freedom, blogging and tweeting and posting videos, determined to be heard. In some cases, facing down tanks, and braving bullets, enduring detentions and unspeakable treatment, and at times, giving their very lives for the freedom that they seek -- the liberty that we are lucky enough to enjoy here tonight.

“And more broadly” – isn’t that a little…sexist?

Butt I digress, I’m wondering in which alternate universe the Arab Spring was about women’s rights? Or, for that matter, human rights? Maybe I need to read up on it a bit more, because the last time I checked the Muslim Brotherhood looked to be the big winner and their women’s and human rights record is, shall we say, “spotty.”

And I know this is just being picky, butt about Big Guy’s contention that:

"The first Muslim ambassador to the United States, from Tunisia, was hosted by President Jefferson, who arranged a sunset dinner for his guest because it was Ramadan --- making it the first known iftar at the White House, more than 200 years ago."

I don’t think that’s technically accurate. (H/T Charlie-rightwing-crazy) Not that accuracy has ever been an ironclad requirement of our transformational presidency, butt still; a shameless rewriting of history may be pushing even the elastic boundaries of post modernism a bit too far.

Anyway, Lady M couldn’t make the Iftar due to her money sweeping commitments in Massachusetts - because the only thing more important than demonstrating our support for the religion of peace is raising money to WTF.

Don’t feel bad though, Big Guy had a stand in for Lady M: Huma Abedin, wife of disgraced Congressman Anthony Weiner and aide to Hillary Clinton. Huma is the latest in our roster of poster women against the Republicans War on Women.

The American people owe her a debt of gratitude -- because Huma is an American patriot, and an example of what we need in this country -- more public servants with her sense of decency, her grace and her generosity of spirit. So, on behalf of all Americans, we thank you so much. (Applause.)

Yes, thank you, Huma, for overseeing every minute of Hillary’s day.

And for sticking with your obviously warped husband and father of your child in order to allow him to rehabilitate his political career, because we really need more leaders like him.

And for not leaving any personal, traceable connections to the Muslim Brotherhood, I mean, aside from those of your mother, father and brother, for which you can’t be held to account. Because that would have been awkward, what with your security clearance as Hill’s personal aide and all.

So thanks for that. You’re a great American.