Ok, here’s the deal: I’ll share this incredibly exciting news with you if you agree to the following stipulations:
Au currant trend: maternity-look top combined with mini-me sweater-shirt. It’s ironic.
1) no smarty-pants “preggers” comments, and 2) don’t ask me to divulge any national secrets.
Good. Now that we’ve got the ground rules laid out, I’m going to let you in on a little research project we’ve been conducting with a new miracle product called the Belly Bandit®. The study is not complete, but the early results are very promising.
This is what the manufacturer tells me about the Belly Bandit®:
The Belly Bandit® is an abdominal compression binder designed to help you get your body back to its former fabulousness post childbirth.
Technically Lady M qualifies, since she last gave birth 9 years ago this summer. But my theory, and it’s holding up so far, is that if it works on post-partum belly, it will likewise work on post-burger/vacay/ “dessert is not a right” belly. Don’t misunderstand, this in no way will be a “replacement” to our Spanx containment systems. Think of it as a non-surgical “esthetic enhancer.”
Butt wait! There’s more! The Belly Bandit® is a full-line containment system, packed with options. The “Original” comes in 3 politically correct colors:
“Undocumented brown,” “Racist white” and “Amerikan nude”
Other containment structures in the system include:
- A “Limited Edition: Kourtney Kardashian Belly Bandit” model for only 20 bucks more than the original!
The KK BB model comes in post-partisan, post-racial racy black lace.
- The Bosom Bandit™ makes it time “...to throw away those painfully tight sports bras...The Bosom Bandit™ is made from latex free elastic and covered with an ultra soft, moisture wicking fabric...”
Maybe we’ll try it with 2 sets of the Gel Cutlets
Butt the highlight of the product line is, well, just made to order for us; the Mother Tucker™! Here’s what Belly Bandit® says:
“DON’T NIP IT OR SUCK IT, SIMPLY MOTHER TUCK-IT!”
I’m telling you, this is the one I’ve been waiting for! The answer to a mirror’s dreams. Read on, more from the Belly Bandit® site:
Mother Tucker™ is the ultimate compression tank! You'll be WOWed with how it smoothes and shapes your middle! Mother Tucker™ uses a soft tubular knit, designed with three zones of varying compression.
The center section - with the most compression - flattens your tummy, promoting a slimmer silhouette. The 3" anti-roll bottom applies muffinology™ technology to help smooth your "muffin top", while the upper section provides the perfect amount of support; helping to eliminate that squeezed feeling.
OMG, “muffinology™ technology!!” And it can be custom ordered in a size we can believe in: Ginormous!
Early field test: Spanx alone on the left, Spanx containment system combined with Mother-Tuckit on the right. I suspect the hot Princess Letizia uses the complete line of Belly-Bandit products. Although I should note that her results are not typical. Your results may vary.
Butt wait, there’s still more!
“ There's no reason why you can't be comfy and stylish when you're not fitting into your skinny jeans...these leggings let you breathe a little easier literally and figuratively!”
I’m so excited I’m hyperventilating just knowing they’re “coming soon!” They’re expected in November.
And as I’m sure we all know, November can’t come soon enough.
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