Saturday, August 14, 2010

When Snarks Attack: 9

To celebrate Big Guy finally plugging the damn hole, we are actually going to deliver another historic first: keeping a promise! That’s right, we are going to keep our promise to take the whole family (minus Wee Won-1) to the oil soaked Golf Coast for a brief vacation. And believe me, we need a vacation, because plugging the damn hole was harder than stopping the oil leak.

carville obama binkie copy

Finally. We’ve Got That Damn Hole Plugged!

So, because I’m in a celebratory mood, and because my super-secret nominating committee finally completed it’s work this afternoon, I am proud to announce the nominees for July’s coveted Golden FLOTUS.

In July, we set another historic record with over a gazillion snarky comments posted. If only our Obam-Economy were growing so fast. So many snarks are flying in that I’m going to have to put in a requisition to hire a super-secret-pre-screening committee to review the snarks. I think I’ve got a shot at it, after the dismal jobs report the other day, because Big Guy’s still got a sack full of stimulus-Benjamins, and I specified SEIU “members only” in the job qualifications. I’m starting to figure out how to get things done around DC.

Once again, it was very hard to narrow the choices down to a manageable “baker’s dozen.” One of my super-secret nominating committee members, who is a teacher, suggested that we just follow “new school” guidelines and declare everyone a winner. But really, if I just deemed all of you wonderful snarkers  valedictorians of class 9 and gave everyone a Golden FLOTUS, it just wouldn’t mean much would it? I guess I’m just old school. Did I mention that I have a new vacancy on my committee?

Anyhoo, I am here to do the hard work that Americans and illegal Mexicans aren’t willing to do. And just because it’s hard, and requires tough choices, I’m not going to blame George W. Bush (besides, I like W, and I miss him). So, without further adieu, and in alphabetical order, I present with pride, your July, 2010 Nominees for the coveted Golden FLOTUS:

When Snarks Attack-9 Nominees

July, 2010


Anonna: "Get Your Chakra On: For Free, Dog!"

“I thought the Inaugural gown had a pretty skirt, but the bodice looked like someone put MO in a plaster body cast and rolled her in shredded coconut before the plaster dried.”

Cherie: "Call 911! Call 911!

“I don't want to be within a mile of her when one of her outfits blows. It's gonna be like a suicide bomber detonating her vest.”

Cripes Suzette: "We’ve Got Our MOJO Working Now"

“ I like to amuse myself by running her remarks through an online tool that estimates number of years of education that a person needs to be able to understand them. This block of text clocks in at about 6.7.
Princeton and Harvard owe  SOMEONE a refund. “

forkarrie: "A Broadway Celebration of the O’s"

“I cannot believe the length of those pants! She cannot possibly walk in them without tripping. Was she transported in? “

Janice: "One Leak We Did Plug"

“Laura is a rare Prime Rib
MO is an overdone broiled liver (without even onions to soften the blow)”

Jules: "We Visit the Treasury with Our Own Bag"

“At least she did not show off her guns again (there, I found something good to say for the day!)...BTW, her wighat is definitely a better look than going au naturel.  Wow, two compliments in one comment, someone please stop me :) “

Kate: "The Waters Parted, the Cap was Seated, and Behold ..."

“I'm so traumatized by the ice cream eating scene ... Mrs Obama's legs are widely spread, she's hunched, she's face down into the dish, and that poor man is catatonically staring off into space.
That scene looks like mental institution patients' day-out at the mall.”

Lynn II: "Get Your Chakra On: For Free, Dog!"

“I felt that way a day or two ago. It's not easy being snarky when we're all wee wee'd up over the insanity of this current Imperial Pair.
Just keep saying.....I can see November from my house...”

MichelleIndependent: "A Honeymoon Begins, A Honeymoon Ends

“TMI!! TMI!!
Ix-Nay on the Va-jay-jay during Va-cay-cay!”

MJ: "The Waters Parted, the Cap was Seated, and Behold ..."

“White see-through pants and no camel toe.  Wait, is that a jockstrap I see?”

Radegunda: "The Apron’s Red Glare-Updated for Mileage

“Oh, come on, folks. You know she's an elegant, classy style icon. If you don't agree, you're a racist.”

Sine Qua Non: "Ball Park Wieners and Other Design Giants

“No FLOTUS has ever looked like an overserved transvestite at last call.
Seriously, drag queens can party into the wee hours with more elegance.”

srdem65: "Keel Hauled, Stem to Stern"

“If they weld her initials right next to the ID number and the tonnage she might not like that.
Does one say one is attending a 'keeling'?  sounds suspiciously like a Mexican vendetta to me. “

Congratulations to this month’s nominees and to the smaller people who missed by a hair. Polls will remain open until 12:59 PM EST, Monday August 16 or until some thugs from the New Black Panther Party show up at my server.

I know many of you just voted last week in your state’s primary for one or more of our “yes” men or women, so I hope you are not poll weary.

Obama Votes 2008 Voters of All Ages Voting Chicago Style

And remember, here, as always, Chicago rules apply: so vote early, vote often, and may the best, or most heavily financed snark win!

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