Wednesday, June 29, 2011

How Do You iPhone? Tweet Me!

I  knew that Tweeting wasn’t going to be our friend. Especially after Big Guy admitted to genetically clumsy thumbs. And Lady M has always been known more for her guns than her thumbs,

Michelle Obama gunshow_Arm Toning ExercisesBack in the day: all guns, no thumbs

So up till now, all of her tweets have been dictated to staffers to tweet out.As a result, a whole lot of the important stuff she wanted to share tended to get lost in translation, ya know?

So when the tweeting Weiner shots took over the news cycle for 3 weeks, I knew that meant trouble for me. Lady M was mesmerized: not by the Weiner per se, butt by the type of attention that was garnered by a few pictures. That sort of face time - so to speak - can’t be bought. Even with the highest paid public relations staff in the history of the Big White.

So now that she’s discovered that you can take pictures of yourself with your cell phone in front of a mirror, we are dragging our iPhone along with us everywhere we go.

And now, I find out, she’s promoted her to official Cabinet status! Directly from tech support! She didn’t even make her go through an ethics check or get an official security clearance – although I guess that stuff has been waived for Cabinet members now.

From here on, she’s to be referred to as iPhOtus (the iPhone of the United States)! The Bitch! iPhOtus, not Lady M.

iphoni copyiPhOtus. Bitch!

iPhone-BITCH copy

So now iPhOtus (bitch) – in addition to tagging along everywhere we go – is constantly nagging Lady M  to “tell MOTUS to stand in front of us so we can tweet this out” or “tell MOTUS to stand still, I can’t focus.” Obnoxious bitch! The iPhOtus, not know.

So now I have to stand in front of the two of them while they stage tweet shots to WTF (Win The Future), and I still have to control all the optics in order to make the tweet look good. Within the confines of what I have to work with, you understand. I’m NASA designed, 5G wired, butt I’m NOT a goddess. That job’s already taken.

boogy-2 copy

This iArrangement  creates a frightening feedback loop! Like looking into one of those old barbershop mirrors that project your ever decreasing image into an infinite abyss!

infinite_mirrorCan someone get me a powder?

I’m dying here!


boogy-1 copy

That’s right...guns by MOTUS! Call now!

I work my tail off trans-imaging MO’s…uh, tail away, and all iPhOtus does is capture my  work and spew it out all over the intertubes.

I don’t like to complain about my job or the working conditions, butt how am I supposed to keep the Mainstream Paparazzi away from Lady M’s flanks if I have to stand motionless in front of her just so iPhOtus can snap a measly 5 megapixel shot of the two of them gallivanting about?

I even had to ‘shop their images into a triptych on a green screen background so they can “be wherever they want to be”...

MO triplets-green screen“Hiiii there! As your FLOTUS, I take my iPhone everywhere, in order to keep you up-to-date on my healthy day.”

“…and when I say everywhere, I mean everywhere! Here we are teaching African leaders how to properly greet visiting American deities like Buh-rock”

MO LICK PROTOCOL copy“Can you do this with your cell phone?”

I’m not saying  that she hasn’t made any contribution. The snapshot of hers above did turn into our poster demonstrating proper “Welcome to the continent of your birth” protocol.

I should have listened when Gerard warned me that this little piece of Apple technology would be trouble right from the git-go. Butt no, I had to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Personally, I think she’s just preparing for an alternate career path on the very remote chance that the American people wake up lose their senses and vote her and Big Guy out of office. WTF?

I tell you, that Smithsonian gig is sounding better every day.

Tweet this!