I know you’ve been waiting all week for the concluding segment of my review of UPI’s selection of 50 Celebrities representing 50 of our 57 States. I should explain that, despite the title, the vast majority of UPI’s titlists are not really “celebutards.” In fact, I like many of the winners. Butt being in the media trade as I am, I know you’ve gotta’ have a title that drags ‘em in. I learned that in J-school rehab.
So buckle-up, picking up with North Carolina’s pick, we’re ready to roll.
Clay Aiken: OK, I like Clay, and he was the runner-up to our second, historic American Idol, Ruben Studdard, and will serve as American Idol #2 in the event that Ruben, for any reason, is unable to complete his Idol duties. That said, he lost. Something we’re not really accustomed to on Team Obama. Here it’s all about “WINNING!”
He did beat out a passel of talented musicians from the Tar Heel State (can I say that?), including Fantasia, George Clinton (distant, funky cousin of The Big Dog), Charlie Daniels (famous for playing backup to Sean Hannity’s “The Devil Went Down To Georgia”), John Coltrane and Thelonious Monk. Personally, I would have picked Mr. Monk. I love the way he could solve crimes by waving his hands in the air. And like him, I’ve grown to sooooo hate CHANGE.
I was worried that UPI would pick Cornelius Calvin Sale, Jr (RIP). You probably know him better by his adoptive name, Robert Carlyle Byrd. Byrdie, as you know, was the longest serving member of the US legislature to ever have held the dual KKK titles of “Kleagle” and “Exalted Cyclops” (elected to “Cyclops” unanimously!). Hey, I thought the R-words were the racists!
Wiz Khalifa: Not really enamored with his birth name, Cameron Jibril Thomaz, Wiz chose as his Rap-handle the name of a processed cheese food product instead.
Lady M has Wiz’s debut album, “Show and Prove” on her iPod. Butt Big Guy just deleted Wiz’s second hit album, “Deal or No Deal.” He got it as a gift last week from John Boehner, which made him suspicious from the git-go. Boehner’s just not a Wiz kid, like Big Guy is.
If you’ve seen the movie Fargo, and I know you have, you should know two things: never befriend people who own wood chippers, and that February in ND is colder than a witches, you know, in a brass bra.
So, looking at that Lady M inspired sleeveless ‘ensem of Wiz’s I have to question whether he actually resides in
Norse Dakota The 701 The Flickertail State The Roughrider State the Peace Garden State.
Not that UPI’s rules require anyone to actually reside - or even be born in - a state in order to win the title, butt the Peace Garden State actually has some other, lesser known perhaps, butt equally deserving Celebs. For example: Angie Dickenson, Peggy Lee, Ann Southern, MsNBC lunatic Ed Schultz, Eric Sevareid, Elizabeth Bodine (birth mother of Jethro Bodine), Bobby Vee and Alf Clausen.
I guess the rules do explicitly disqualify Alf because, according to our outdated and irrelevant Constitution, he’s not a native born earthling. Racists!
Halle Berry: Nobody is more excited about this pick than Little Mo – he loves berries. I confess, she is very easy on the lenses. Little Mo’s only gripe is that I won’t replace UPI’s picture of hottie Halle with the one he’s got in his locker. He doesn’t think the photo UPI selected does Halle’s berries justice.
We’re rather worried about Ohio, with it being a desperately needed swing state. And lately they’ve been turning away from the Won true Messiah and following the likes of heretics and false prophets. Big Guy couldn’t get Governor Kasich (R-word) to come over to the dark side, even by playing golf with him. This still has BO perplexed.
We’re HOPE-ing that this little bundle of wily babe-like charms (who loves Big Guy) might do the trick. Not in the, uh, “professional working girl” sense of the word, butt in TWF, WTF sense, ya’ know?
Let me just say for the record, that I love this pick! And, I don’t want to start any wild rumors on the intertubes, butt if Big Guy ever decides to dump Lady M from his dance card while still in
power office, Halle is at the top of my list of nominees for new FLOTUS. As you can see from the photo above, she’s already mastered the art of dressing for the role.
Chuck Norris: This Okie original didn’t win his title just because he can kick everybody’s a**. Nor did he win because of his long and successful TeeVee and silver screen career. No, Chuck Norris won this title because:
- Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there
- When the Boogeyman goes to sleep at night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris
- Ghosts sit around campfires and tell Chuck Norris stories, and
- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits…
I’m sure there are dozens of other worth Oklahoma celebs, butt when you’ve got Chuck, why keep looking?
Don’t miss my Oklahoma Supplement. I posted it after Chuck Norris assured me it would not make him angry.
Ann Curry: All in all, I think this was a good choice for the Beaver State. She’s multi-ethnic, multi-cultural and there is no-body on the TeeVee who exudes more emotive condescension than Ann. Before Ann emoted her way to the Today show co-host spot, Oregon was viewed by most Americans as a KOA style campground used mostly by Californians on their way to Californicate Seattle.
Not that there aren’t a slew of deserving Oregonians, including President Herbert Hoover, Doc Severinsen, Sally Struthers, Mel Blanc and Matt Groening. Matt Groening would have had a better shot if he had just come clean and admitted that Springfield was really Portland and that Jebediah Springfield was really Portland founding father, Asa Lovejoy.
Butt I guess, founding fathers are out of fashion these days. They sure are around the Big White. At the risk of offending Ann Curry fans: I think Matt Groening should have won. The only explanation for his loss is racism. And the judges were feeling all empathetic when they made their final selection.
Peter Boyle: He’s now Puttin’ On The Ritz with the Angels, butt my favorite TeeVee dad was a wise choice to represent the Keystone State. I embiggened the Keystone State to remind you Quaker Staters that you are one of our WTF must-win states. So, if you don’t like Peter Boyle, tweet me and we’ll throw him under the bus along with Granny Dunham, Jeremiah Wright and the soon-to-be-announced victim of a terrible bus accident, JoeyB.
I won’t even get into the now-discredited birth of our racist nation in Philadelphia, or the penning of the US Constitution, now officially regarded as an historically curious relic of a less intellectual era. Butt Pennsylvania also gave us dozens of artists, writers, athletes, astronauts, authors, playwrights, scientists, entrepreneurs and entertainers to choose from.
My personal choice for modern day Penn celeb would have been either Michael Keaton or Kevin Bacon. Who couldn’t use a Michael Keaton dark knight style Batman right about now? And we’re all related to Kevin Bacon, give or take 6 degrees.
Butt I think Peter “Frank Barone” Boyle is a good choice. I HOPE he’s sitting at a nice little table in God’s kitchen right now, eating a Philly cheese steak ’wid Wiz (the processed cheese food product, not the rapper) from Tony Luke’s…
Elisabeth Hasselbeck: A lovely choice and what a sweetie. Way too nice to be going toe to hoof with the heifers on the View. A little birdie told me that she just squeaked by second place finisher, Richard Hatch, winner of season 1 Survivor: Borneo and convicted felon. I would have liked to get a few pointers from Dickie on his Survivor survival skills, butt I was advised he may be back in the hoosegow. Taxes, I think. There are some things that nobody can survive.
And just because it’s small, don’t think there weren’t other famous Rhode Islanders that UPI could have chosen too, like Former Providence Mayor and convicted felon Vincent “Buddy” Cianci, former Governor and convicted felon Edward DiPrete. I don’t think being a felon is a disqualifier.
James Brown: The Godfather of Soul is the winner of the coveted, most famous South Carolina celebrity title. And I say he’s earned it.
If you’re not convinced, check out this video of "The Hardest-Working Man in Show Business." The kids do stop screaming, occasionally:
If he hadn’t already passed on, this man would surely be qualified to be our second historic black president. Come to think of it, he could have been our first. We blew it. Big time.
While not packin’ the double-barreled star “qualities,” if you get my drift, of her cast-mate and last week’s winner of the Idaho title, Christina Hendricks, Jan has had us spellbound in her role as Mad Men’s ice queen, Betty (Draper) Francis. Since the divorce and marriage to NY Governor flunky, Henry Francis, her role appears to have been reduced to annoying Don over the children and the house. Will we see her in Season 5???
So, if January is axed in season 5, who will we chose to represent South Dakota next year? Well, my vote goes to Pirates of the Caribbean star and Harley Davidson model, Moses J. Brings Plenty. What about you?
Justin Timberlake: Justin’s cute and all, butt I haven’t felt the same thrill up my frame (H/T Ms.NBC’s Chris “Tingles” Matthews) since the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction. What was the deal with that velcro “D” cup thingy anyway? And about that pierced, silver borg-nipple thingie? Eeee-ouch!
I think you see my point.
There are a boat load of great choices from the Volunteer State (For the record, we here at the Big White are all about volunteering! That’s volunteering you - to do stuff. For free. Or in the case of Obamacare, not so free.) If you wanted to stay in the music genre, why not the Queen of Soul herself, Aretha Franklin? Or, if you're looking for more of a Nashville sound, then how about Minnie Pearl, Eddie Arnold, Dolly Parton or Chet Atkins? Feelin’ mellow? How about Isaac Hayes?
Butt the grand daddy of Tennessee, the obvious choice, and my personal pick would be the guy who was born on a mountaintop in Tennessee, raised in the woods so he knew every tree and ‘kilt him a ‘bar, when he was only three. Yup, I’m talkin’ about Estes Kefauver! No, I’m kidding… Davy Crocket!
This heat and that damn picture Gerard stuck on my hard drive are playing havoc with my circuits.
And I know… you’re disappointed that I didn’t cover Tennessee’s most famous celebrity: co-subject of Erich Segal’s book, Love Story, inventor of the interweb and co-inventer of the catastrophic climate change religion and cash cow, Albert Arnold “Algore” Gore.
Butt, he’s just too easy.
See what I mean?
Wes Anderson: Cute isn’t he? Know who he is? Me either.
Texas is home to: three former presidents -Dwight D. Eisenhower, Lyndon Baines Johnson and George W. Bush, former First Ladies Lady Bird Johnson and Laura Bush, historical figures Sam Houston and Jim Bowie and noted philanthropist Imma Hogg. Ok, there was no way Ms. Hogg was going to win.
Can you imagine Lady M at the award ceremony: “And tonight people, all Texans are celebrating because Imma Hogg…” We’re just not going there.
There is no end to the list of great Texans I could mention, and you would have heard of every one…and UPI gives us Wes Andreson?? I did a little research on Wes. I had to go to Al Gore’s interweb, because my “Famous Texans” pak had lots of “Wes’” and lots of “Andersons”, butt unexpectedly, no “Wes Andersons.”
Anyhoo, here’s what I found: Wes graduated from the University of Texas at Austin with a degree in Philosophy. Well, at least it’s not some program that ends in “Studies”, like “Gender Studies” or “Comparative Studies Studies.” His big break came in 2007 when he “oversaw” a series of ground breaking commercials for AT&T: "College Kid", "Reporter", "Mom", "Architect", "Actor" and "Businessman." Memorable.
Ok - cut to the chase, he also made some movies. I liked The Royal Tenenbaums. Butt seriously, I would have picked somebody else.
Maybe hunky Governor Rick Perry…
Jewel: Did you know Jewel was from Utah? I didn’t either. I thought she was from Alaska.
No matter where she’s from, I wholeheartedly approve of her selection for the Beehive State! Man, something’s wrong here. I seem to be approving of way too many of UPI’s picks. Maybe I’d better think about this Jewel thing for a minute.
According to my files, Jewel was born in Payson, Utah, butt spent most of her young life in Homer, Alaska living with her father,Atz Kilcher.Their home didn’t have indoor plumbing, just an outhouse (eeeeeewwwwwww!) Jewel and her father sometimes earned a living by singing in bars and taverns. That’s where she learned to yodel too, a skill that not enough hot young singers have anymore.
Dewey tells me that Jewel learned to play the guitar while at the Interlochen Arts Academy in Interlochen, Michigan, where she majored in operatic voice. Hey Wes… Jewel majored in Opera! Philosophy…sheesh.
She started writing songs at the age of 16. So, it looks like Jewel could have been the Michigan celebrity too. Instead of that bloated fat-ball Michael Moore-gravy! I’m still cheesed about that one.
OK, I’m sold. Jewel’s in. Butt if she wasn’t I’d have to pick from one of Utah’s famous non-political class outlaws: Robert LeRoy Parker (aka Butch Cassidy), Harry Alonzo Longabaugh (The Sundance Kid) and many more. I can see why they made-up new names for themselves. Can you imagine “Raindrops keep fallin’ on my head” as the soundtrack to “Robert LeRoy Parker and Harry Alonzo Longabaugh?”
Sitting (l to r): Harry A. Longabaugh (the Sundance Kid), Ben Kilpatrick (the Tall Texan), Robert L.Parker (Butch Cassidy)Standing (l to r): Will Carver (News Carver) and Harvey Logan (Kid Curry)
KT Tunstall: Nothing against you KT, butt you’re Scottish! If Alf is disqualified, then so are you. Besides, I have a favorite Vermonter. No, not Bob Newhart. My all-American pick:
“Captain Kangaroo”, Bob Keeshan
My second choice for celebrities from Vermont would be Mark Steyn. No, wait a minute - he’s from New Hampshire. And Scotland. Never mind.
Chris Brown!??? OUT OF THE QUESTION. No way is this misogynist, convicted woman beater going to represent any state in my union! Let alone the great state of Virginia.
I am exercising the authority vested in me as the Mirror Of The United States and awarding the most famous celebrity from the great state of Virginia title to:
Chris Brown!!!!??????? Did you a-holes at UPI see what he did to Rihanna? This one might cheese me off more than the Michigan pick.
Chris Brown? Are you kidding me?
Kenny G: Well thank goodness. After that last one, I need to mellow out a little. Do I still seem a little on edge to you? Maybe I’d better play a Kenny G tune…
I love Kenny G’s music and I think he is a fine pick for the Evergreen State. He’s cute, mellow and his music really irritates the sophisticated jazz snobs. Don’t get me wrong, I love Coltrane too, butt there’s nothing wrong with chilling to some smooth jazz with an adult beverage in the wee small hours. I’ll be back in a few minutes…
Ahhhh…smooth…melllloooooowwwww…like listening to Barry White breathing…
OK, back to work. Who else hails from North California? Well, there’s Kenny G’s musical alter egos, Jimi Hendrix (RIP) and Kurt Cobain (RIP). Then there’s Bing Crosby, Kenny Loggins, Dale Chihuly, Glenn Beck, Spook Hunter, Darren “Kolchak” McGavin, Adam West (the original Batman), Bill “I Hate Microsoft” Gates and last, butt certainly not least, dedicated Apple user and our own American Digest publisher and author, Gerard Vanderleun. Butt Curse you Gerard! I still can’t get that damn picture off my hard drive! I’m going to have to call a hazmat team for cleanup.
Mary Lou Retton: If you don’t love that UPI picked cute as a button, Mary Lou Retton to represent West Virginia, well, you don’t have a heart. The only thing I would change is her last name…to Button, just to make her even cuter. I will say that her Pop was on the right track when he changed the family surname to Retton from “Rotunda.”
This perky pick might just give West Virginia the boost it needs to get through Big Guy’s plan to bankrupt the state’s coal industry and throw everybody in the Mountain State out of work. It’s not personal, it’s just that Big Guy hates coal, mining, capitalism, the private sector and, well, just about everything else about America except his historic election.
In the event that Mary Lou can not complete her duties as Most Famous West Virginia Celebrity, I would have nominated WV native Don Notts (RIP). Even if he was still with us, I’m not sure he would have been able to accept the title because I understand he also was going to be Big Guy’s choice to head up our new civilian security force, which will be just as powerful, just as strong and just as well funded as the US military.
So, I guess I’d nominate a famous West Virginian who, it seems to me, fits in perfectly with our political class here in DC:
Orson Welles: Big win for a big man! I totally love this unexpected pick. Our Big White celebrity advisors were caught off guard by the Welles selection too. Orson beat their expectations with fewer than expected Americans still holding a grudge for scaring their pants off with that “War of the Worlds” radio stunt in 1938. Also beating the experts forecast was the number of Americans who have a favorable opinion of his Mercury Theater.
I’m glad that UPI avoided the easy pick of celebrity R-word Governor, Scott Walker. They just got the capital building cleaned up from the last time Scotty was in the news, and I don’t think the cheese-heads can afford another Servpro response team.
One controversy they can’t avoid however, is the title of “Birthplace of the Republican Party.” The title is claimed by both Ripon, Wisconsin and Jackson, Michigan. I will once again invoke the powers invested in me as the Mirror Of The United States to deem that Jackson, Michigan is the actual home of the “Birthplace of the Republican Party.” I’m taking this drastic action to provide reparations for the shame inflicted upon Michiganders, or Michiganians – whatever - by the choice of Michael Moore-blubber as their most famous celebrity. And because Dewey From Detroit lives there.
Matthew Fox: Yes, Matt, He’s watching you.
OK, I’ve been waiting for another boy-toy, butt why did it have to come in the home state of my all-night poker & cigar party buddy, the real Dick Cheney?
Nothing wrong with Matt, except that it appears he hasn’t done anything since his roles in the now cancelled series, Lost. So it appears that he, along with 14 million other Americans, is enjoying the fruits of Big Guy’s second summer of recovery. Just another “unexpected” uptick in the first time unemployment filers. Thanks a lot, George W. Bush!
In addition to my BPPCSB (Best Poker Playing Cigar Smoking Buddy) Dick Cheney, the Cowboy State is home to such notables as Jackson Pollock, Curt Gowdy, and the only famous Wyoming person other than the real DC I would even consider for the title: William Frederick “Buffalo Bill” Cody. Full disclosure: Little Mo’s great uncle, “Cowboy” George Schwemley was the only Jewish cowboy documented to have performed in the “Buffalo Bill Wild West Show.” So I should turn my back on family?
Anyway, I would keep “Cowboy” George Schwemley in the running, butt he really belongs in the Colorado competition. It was there that he made home camp and owned and operated a productive silver mine, supplying ore to the Denver mint until we stopped using precious metals in our coins and instead, based the value of our currency on the wisdom of the Federal Reserve. OMG! Do you think it’s too late to buy gold?
Anyhoo, my selection for Wyoming is, not surprisingly, the real Dick Cheney.
I always felt safe when Dick was in the Big White and I miss him every day. I still enjoy my 4 times/year cross country road trips with overnight stops in Cheyenne, where I get together with DC. He drives down from Jackson (hey, that’s another reason to award the R-word birthplace title to Jackson) and we play poker, smoke cigars and eat char-grilled steaks all night. I am saddened that our traditional watering hole and the Cattleman’s restaurant in the once grand Cheyenne Hitchin’ Post Inn has been closed, burned to the ground (suspiciously) and demolished. The halls of the historic Inn were adorned with the photos of every member of every Wyoming legislature since achieving statehood. Even before the fire, the place had fallen on hard times (one of the reasons the fire is considered “suspicious.”) Just another hapless victim of Big Guy’s economic circumstances.
I hate to end our review of UPI’s 50 of our 57 states celebrity extravaganza on a down note, so I’ll offer this: There’s still 7 to go! And as soon as I figure out the who-what-and-where, I’ll be back to present them to you with the insightful commentary and snark you’ve come to expect.
So for now, from the Washington DC bureau, this is MOTUS, signing off.
Back to you Chet.