Boy oh boy, leave it to the Canusians to report the news that’s too hot for our own Legacy Media to handle . Obama Executive Order: Peacetime Martial Law! (H/T: 3XALADY)
Did you see Big Guy’s new Executive Order yet? He just loves to issue orders, whether it’s just a beer or to take out a terrorist at large. Issuing orders is how you can tell that you Won:
I’m just a little wonkier than your average mirror, so if you don’t hang out all day at whitehouse.gov waiting for something to happen like I do, you may have missed this EO about setting up martial law.
Now, before I get started on the Executive Order I want to point out that some really smart people - Professor William A. Jacobson of Legal Insurrection and Ed Morrissey of Hot Air - are not “necessarily” alarmed by this new order, saying it’s just an update of an old, standing order (Private aside to Prof. Jacobson: are you ok with lunch next week to review my Supremacy Clause law suit? I’m afraid my statue of limitation will expire soon).
Normally I’d defer to them on matters of law. And perhaps there’s nothing to see here, butt it looks to moi, like Big Guy just “ordered” the activation of his Civilian National Security Force.
You know, the won that’s “just as powerful, just as strong and just as well funded” as the military.
Our new national security preparedness initiative orders Big Guy’s most loyal and trusted Secretaries to do whatever is necessary, by whatever means necessary to ensure the U.S. has:
…an industrial and technological base capable of meeting national defense requirements and capable of contributing to the technological superiority of its national defense equipment in peacetime and in times of national emergency. The domestic industrial and technological base is the foundation for national defense preparedness. The authorities provided in the Act shall be used to strengthen this base and to ensure it is capable of responding to the national defense needs of the United States.
Let me summarize: If Big Guy needs it, Big Guy takes it. Simple, no?
So what might Big Guy need?
Just a few basics. You probably won’t even miss them.
Of course any Executive Order worth it’s salt has its own code name and a slew of Czars. Butt for our Big Peace Time Martial Law Order, we’re kicking it up a notch: we’re appointing Field Marshals.
Big Guy hasn’t settled on the code name yet butt the following are all still in the running: FU, UPYRS, EATIT, BITEME, and FUBR. We have picked our Field Marshals however, and you’ll be relieved to know that they are all experienced professionals:
Supreme Field Marshal Janet “Bruno” Napolitano:
The Department of Homeland Security: because we may have to seize your liberties in order to save them.
Field Marshal Timothy “Toxic Timmy” Geithner:
Sharpen that pencil Timmy, the Department of Treasury will need to secure additional revenues for everything else that Big Guy is going to need. That means you might have to give a little bit more.
Field Marshal Eric “Ricky” Holder:
Eric’s Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms may have to confiscate your guns. For your own good, of course.
Field Marshal Tommy “Sacker” Vilsack:
The Secretary of the Department of Agriculture will be bringing Shirley Sherrod back to determine how many of your crops Big Guy will be needing.
Field Marshal Kenneth “Zorro” Salazar:
Secretary of the Department of the Interior Kenny will be in charge of confiscating all operating gas and oil wells and ordering new ones drilled in order to fuel our National Security Force. You can use rechargeable batteries.
Field Marshal John E. Bryson:
Secretary of the Department of Commerce Bryson will be in charge of confiscating everything not covered elsewhere.
Field Marshal Hilda “Soul Sista” Solis
The Department of Labor will be in charge of commandeering the civilian worker bees for reassignment wherever we need them. Keep a bag packed.
Field Marshal Kathleen “Kitty” Sebelius
The Department of Health and Human Services is responsible for ensuring that our population is healthy, strong and young enough to fight. Kitty will enforce this goal by ensuring that those who are too old, ill and expensive to care for are, well, given “the pain killer.” Kitty has announce the appointment of Ezekiel Emanuel (Ezekiel NOT Ari:good catch PD-I’m gonna’ have to defrag my HD) as assistant Field Marshall to oversee this effort.
Field Marshal Ray LaHood:
The Department of Transportation: because we may need your plane. And you car. Unless you “drive” a Volt. ’Nuff said.
Field Marshal Steven “Chewie” Chu
The Department of Energy will be responsible for ensuring you are not using our energy wastefully and that you have painted your roof white, built a windmill, installed solar panels and are humanely operating a mouse-on-treadmill generator to recharge your Volt.
Field Marshal Arne Duncan:
The Department of Education will be responsible for re-educating resistors. Resistance is futile.
Associate Field Marshal William “Boom Boom” Ayres:
Billy will be responsible for conducting all those late-night bomb building seminars for select members of “our” militia.
So, as you can see and as we’ve been told, there’s really nothing to worry about. We are on correct path, comrades.
Oh! I almost forgot! I will be on the team too, as the Field Marshall of Snark. Unofficially of course, butt reporting the truth from the field whenever and wherever I encounter it.
Well, maybe it will be this time: