Monday, January 28, 2013

SAGging Towards Gomorrah

Of course there are other stories in the news. For instance, the F-16s we’ve giving to the Muslim Brotherhood, the “politics make strange bedfellows” 60 minutes interview with BO and Hills (featuring that contagious laugh of the wise woman of State), the court rulings against BO’s non-recess appointments and his EPA mandate to use non-existent biofuels, and Big Guy’s latest attempt to silence Rush Limbaugh and the Fox News Network.

Butt I know that what you’re really interested in are the SAG Awards handed out last night, so here goes.

It’s hard to believe that the Golden Globes were handed out just two weeks ago, butt what a difference! Let’s start with the Most Improved Award, which goes hands down to Jessica Chastain:

  jessica c in calvin kleinjessica chastain

Lift and separate, lift and separate! If it weren’t for the fact that you can tell she has an inny this look would be a complete winner.

First runner up, same category, goes to Nicole Kidman:


For one thing, she left her urban cowboy home last night. For another, her gown was embossed with floral appliques instead of studs, so that’s a winner right there. As an aside, I’m not buying that Nicole’s strawberry blonde hair is real any more than I believe this is Lady M’s:


In fact the once elegant, naturally curly haired Nicole doesn’t seem to have much about her own self that is genuine any more:


In fact in her more-or- less original form she looked more like Bernadette Peters than she did “Nicole Kidman”:


Wow! it’s amazing what a little hair straightening, nose slimming, teeth correction, chin implant, and unlimited supply of Botox can do for your self-esteem.


Not to mention your appearance.

Butt back to the SAGS: in the opposite category, Reverse Progress Award, the top honor went to Julianne Moore.

julianne moorejulianne moore chanel

I’m guessing no commentary is necessary, butt after being accused of looking altogether too much like Sarah Palin at the Golden Globes, she didn’t want to repeat that sartorial mistake. Mission accomplished.

Award for best wardrobe malfunction: another tie. Between Jennifer Lawrence and Michelle Dockery. Although in both cases it was more pilot error than actual  “malfunction.”

In Jennifer’s case the 2 piece Dior gown was designed to allow the wearer to hike the dress a bit to walk up stairs; Jenny got a little carried away.

jennifer lawrence

In Michelle’s case, well let’s just say she didn’t wish to get typecast as the uptight, prim and proper Lady Mary Crawley she plays in Downton Abbey.

           michdockMichelle Dockery attends the 19th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards at The Shrine Auditorium

Mission accomplished.

Now, since we’re focusing on black silk bodices, let’s jump right to the worst dressed of the evening: that distinction goes to Sigourney Weaver. Did we not just discuss how unforgiving silk charmeuse was last week, Siggy?!

sigourney weaverSigourney

WT? Gives a whole new meaning to the SAG Awards.

Worst hair award; yet another tie! Between January Jones and Alec Baldwin.


Jan looked like she was going retro: somewhere between David Bowie and Grace Jones. As for Alec – he was just having a bad hair day:


And had he known he was going to win he would have either had his temples touched up or his toupee sent out for few gray highlights.


It’s possible he’s working on a new hairdo now that 30 Rock is over. Something that will be more suitable perhaps in a new political career, should he decide to run New York, or the country, or the world. I’m thinking something distinctive – like “The Donald” would work for him.


And finally, my winner in the best dressed category: hands down, Amanda Seyfried (Les Miserables) in navy blue Zac Posen. Gorgeous.

amanda seyfried

Lady like, elegant, perfectly fitted, without boobs hanging out or over, flawless in drape and drop:

amanda seyfried2amanda seyfried32

The fact that she couldn’t maneuver stairs without help is a small price to pay.

Here are a few other “ladies in black and blue” who might benefit from studying Amanda’s presentation - in no particular order: Julie Bowen in a black leather gown – really?  Edie Falco in navy lace and red hair, Anne Hathaway in mini-shorts (another contender for the “reverse progress” award,

     julie bowen159786436CC00040_19th_Annuaanne hathaway

Jamie Alexander in early gladiator, Jane Lynch in modern dominatrix, Morena Baccarin in surplus shower curtains:

    jaimie alexanderjane lynch dominatrix gear159785834TM00128_19th_Annua

and finally, Amy Poehler in sausage casing and Naya Rivera in peek-a-boobies.

  amy poelernaya rivera donna karan

As for who actually won the awards for their performances, well to quote the wise woman of State: “What difference does it make?”

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