Monday, February 25, 2013

Beam Me Up, Jim

I wasn’t going to do a review of the Oscars today, because really: what’s the point? I was planning to skip my commentary and just link you to this guy, who seems to know more about Hollywood than anyone could possibly wish to know.

Then, it happened: Lady M decided to butt in, so now I’ve got to say something about the Academy Awards. So here goes: Worst. Oscars. Ever.

o om

Seriously bad. Worse than a bad migraine bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. And not just because our First Lady decided her presence would add something to the most egregious showcase of self-love ever invented.

Harvey Weinstein (who’s been to the Big White nearly as often as George Clooney and Ben Affleck) was the brain behind Lady M’s surprise appearance as the presenter of the BEST PICTURE of the year. For Harvey the biggest surprise was that neither of his movies (Django and Silver Linings) won. That honor went to Ben Affleck’s Argo. Welcome to our world, Harvey. In politics if your opponent is willing and able to buy more votes than you are, he WINs, you lose! Pretty simple. So while you were busy buying the wrapping for your present, Mr. Affleck was still negotiating with the delivery agents. I hope you learned something there.

And did Harvey seriously doubt for one minute that Lady M wouldn’t accept this greatest of honors? A chance to get a new designer frock and earrings, show off her new new bangs and video-mingle with a roomful of the most famous celebrities on the planet?  And even though it was Harvey that made all the super-secret arrangements required to finesse the surprise, he still hasn’t realized that the whole idea was Lady M’s in the first place. She wants to leave all of her options open. At this point she’s not sure if she wants to be President or Oprah next.

And for the cynics who said Lady M wouldn’t pay a bit of attention to the military once she had re-upped for four more years, please note that she chose members of the military as her props backdrop escorts for the Oscars.

mo twinkle lights best picture

Although frankly, I thought the whole “beam me up” Scotty meme was just a little tacky. I kept expecting either Captain Kirk or Lady M to offer me a special on a round-trip, Price Line, all expenses included vacation package.

 william shatner

Now, as long as I’m here covering the Oscars against my will, I might as well announce my awards too:

Most drop-dead gorgeous, despite the pixie hair: Charlize! Hands down.

25oscars-arrivals2charlize theron

Best cosmetic surgeon in Hollywood: Hanoi Jane – you would never guess she was ninety five.

jane fonda 44

Runner up: Babs. She never looked better. Really, never.


Strangest bodice treatment on her gown: Reese Witherspoon


Although this 1950 super-bra construction seems to making a strong comeback on the fashion runway:

gala-oscar-34-640x640x80Nora Jones makes retro fashion classy

Neither of the above examples were as original as Jennifer Lawrence’s boob bra dress with wing cups at the “Golden Globes” though.


Speaking of Jennifer Lawrence: she looked gorgeous last night! Butt seriously – I think I’d consider getting another stylist next year. One who doesn’t hate me.

whoops jennifer too much dressjen lawrence malfunction

Whoops! too much dress. Whoops! Not enough dress.

Either that, or stop winning: those stairs are not your friend, honey.

The real winners last night were all the singers: Jennifer Hudson, Adele, Nora, etc.. I predicted the return of musicals shortly after Big Guy’s First Immaculation when it became clear we were headed for a deep and long recession. In the past, Hollywood has always produced musicals for our diversion during hard times. My prediction turned out to be 4 years premature, probably because Hollywood believed BO and Joe’s line about “our summer of recovery.” Plus it’s harder to find people who can sing and dance than it is to find actors to play vampires and zombies.

Anyway, all of the singers were great last night, especially Shirley Bassey who, at 78, still nailed it 50 years after her original recording of Goldfinger. Wow! Seriously, WOW!

      shirleyshirley bassey 78

Well, that’s all I’ve got time for. If you’re still suffering from an Oscar hangover, here’s my prescription:

Jim-Beam-Black-Manhattan Jim Beam Black: Take two and call me in the morning

I hope that’s not racist.

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