NOTE: This is part of a continuing series of exclusive, clandestine, interviews with my mole known only as “Deep Quote” or “Molsterman,” (who may or may not also be known as “Little Mo” to the MOTUS community) Molsterman is currently serving under deep cover at NSA. (Presented, as always, with apologies to the Ulsterman Report)
I recently sat down again with Molsterman to talk about the controversy surrounding Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl’s ransom and return .
MOTUS: Thanks for stopping by. I understand you have been digging into NSA’s Bowe Bergdahl dossier.
Molsterman: Yeah, I’m a mole, that’s what I do: dig.
MOTUS: Okay, sorry, butt you have been looking into the Bowe Bergdahl story, right?
Molsterman: Yeah, that’s right. I’ve been rooting around, and since he headed back to the U.S. late yesterday I thought you would want to know about some of the dope I have on him.
MOTUS: So, what have you unearthed that the MOTUS Nation should know about?
Molsterman: The MOTUS Nation? You’ve been listening to too much talk radio, doll. Turn it off and rely on people like me if you want the straight scoop.
Look, the official record wasn’t “finalized” at the Landstuhl medical center in Germany until yesterday. It looks like Bergdahl has finally “learned” what happened to him so he’s deemed safe and free to return home and meet with his family. From what I hear though, there were many, many rehearsals, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
MOTUS: You said Bergdahl had to “learn” what happened to him?
Molsterman: Good, you’re paying attention.
MOTUS: Butt wouldn’t he know what happened to him? Or did he get a bump on the head, like Hillary?
Molsterman: You can’t still be that naïve, MOTUS. You know as well as I do that what really happened ain’t gonna cut it: not with the Republicans, not with the Democrats, not with the Media and certainly not with Big Guy. No way is the story gonna be “Bowe hates America, deserted his post and joined the Taliban.” That’s just a bad B movie. And they disliked the CIA’s story of the “Manchurian POW” even more, so that leaves us just one option.
MOTUS: Are you suggesting that they are going to make up “the big lie” about what happened?
Molsterman: No, I’m not suggesting it, I’m confirming it.
MOTUS: Well, what will they say?
Molsterman: This will be the official story line: Bowe was always a sensitive kid, when he was younger he used ballet to work through his inner conflicts – just like Rahm, except he wasn’t Jewish.
Bowe and Rahm: kindred spirits
He joined the Coast Guard, but washed out in less than a month, having been deemed exceptionally sensitive to sea sickness and joined the Army shortly thereafter, as they don’t often have to deal with boats and water.
Deeply troubled by Bush’s war, Bowe enlisted so he could help the Afghan people. When he got to Afghanistan he was overwhelmed by the senseless loss of life - and lack of discipline within his unit - and he just wanted the killing on both sides to stop. He thought that if he went to the Taliban leaders, alone and unarmed, he could convince them to end the war because, after all, they are members of the religion of peace. Had anyone been paying close attention they would have noted that Bowe was as delusional as Obama and clearly didn’t belong anywhere near a theatre of war. But alas, as stated previously, discipline in his unit was lax so nobody noticed.
Bowe will say the Taliban didn’t understand his intentions, but treated him well – except for that one time when he tried to escape, but that was all his fault. They shared their food, language and religion with him; and on the whole they proved themselves to be hail fellows well met. He will say he is sorry he left his post, but his intentions were pure and he planned to return as soon as he had secured a cease fire from the Taliban. Then he’ll thank Obama, Allah and his parents for bringing him home at such a great expense (to be calculated and paid at a later date).
MOTUS: So, that’s not the way it actually happened?
Molsterman: Kid, are you sure you’re ready for prime time? That cockamamie story wouldn’t even fly as a Homeland plot. The truth is locked down at NSA and Langley; all his emails, phone calls, and daddy’s too. I can’t tell you everything, but I can tell you that all the Taliban ever asked for was money. It was our side - well, technically “our side” - that suggested the swap for 5 crazed terrorists. Getting rid of Gitmo’s worst of the worst makes transferring the rest of them to the Land of Lincoln to serve out their days much more palatable to the good citizens of Illinois.
Unfortunately the whole scam is beginning to collapse under the weight of so many amateur prevaricators: first Obama said he was the decider; then he said Hagel was the actual decider, only Hagel didn’t get the memo telling him to fall on his sword, so he tells Congress it was Big Guy’s idea all along. Despite anything you may have heard, there’s really no honor among thieves and scoundrels.
The real story will come out some day, long after these Chicagoland thugs have gone. The career spooks don’t like this posse, not one little bit. But they’re still afraid of them so we won’t get the truth until it’s too late.
MOTUS: Will that fly? I mean, even Chris Matthews thinks the Bergdahl guy’s a deserter. And as they say, once you’ve lost the Tingles, the thrill is gone…
Molsterman: Yeah, Tingles has already heard from ’bama Central, and he’ll tone it down and probably have to apologize for his rash comments. Nobody is going to let the story be “Obama traded 5 of the most vicious, dangerous anti-American terrorists in the world for a traitor who deserted his post and collaborated with the enemy,” although that is the short version.
So the Pentagon will “investigate” and conclude that Bowe left his post without authorization because of the lax discipline displayed by the commanding officers in his unit. They will find that he fully intended to return after he had a chance to talk to the terrorists and help them see the light. Either that or they’ll say he just wandered off into the beautiful countryside to watch another glorious sunrise, fell asleep, lost his compass, got disoriented and couldn’t find his way home. Either way, as you like to say MOTUS, “ipso fatso” he was not technically a deserter.
They’ll throw the military a bone by reducing his rank, docking his pay and slapping him on the wrist. Bowe will apologize to America and his platoon – in both English and Pashto. He’ll say his heart goes out to the families who lost loved ones in the effort to find him. Then he will say, with a weak quivering voice, that he wishes he could trade places with the soldiers who died trying to find him…and I do too.
MOTUS: Wow, the whole story is kind of scary.
Molsterman: You bet your mainframe girly. I’ve already told you too much. So if anybody asks, tell them I just made it all up in order to give you an early summer ratings bump. And I needed to get the book outline down for my editor anyway, so you might as well get a scoop.
MOTUS: You’re writing a book!?
Molsterman: Of course, everyone is and I’ve heard the retainers are astronomical if you have a big enough name or enough poop to scoop.
MOTUS: Butt you just said that it was all basically a pack of lies.
Molsterman: Two things: lies sell, and really big lies sell really big. Plus, haven’t I taught you anything? Just because I told you they were lies doesn’t mean they’re not true.
MOTUS: Oh. Now I’m confused and scared.
Molsterman: No need to be. BTW, did I mention that I’ll be needing to hole up here in your bunker for a while?
MOTUS: Sweet! It’s always fun when you visit. Can you stay for the weekend? I’ll get the rollaway out and make some popcorn.
Molsterman: It might be longer than that. I’ve made a few enemies at State, NSA and the Pentagon with this one, so I need to lay low for awhile. And I won’t be needing the rollaway. I’ll just be sitting here, back to the wall, facing the door. Oh, and maybe popcorn isn’t such a good idea either. I may be a little jittery and I don’t want the sound of popcorn hitting a metal lid to set off a code blue around here.
MOTUS: OK then. Oh my! Is that a 500 Smith & Wesson Magnum!? I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to have that in here, Molsterman.
Molsterman: Don’t worry, nobody knows I’m here.
MOTUS: That’s a pretty big gun for such a little mole; why in the world do you even have a .50 caliber revolver?
Molsterman: Just one reason little missy... ‘cause they don’t make a .51 caliber.
MOTUS: Nothing has been “normal” around here for going on 6 years, butt you mean just keep on reflecting, like usual?
Molsterman: That’s right, reflect the truth back into the universe. That’s all anybody can do anymore. You keep reflecting, your readers can keep deriding and people like me will have to take care of the rest.
And remember: You didn’t see me. I was never here. I am like the wind, sort of like the Big Guy.
Cross-Posted on Patriot Action Network