Warning: This is NOT an April Fools Joke.

I know it’s April Fools Day. Butt seriously, I’m telling you right up front: none of what I’m about to report is a joke (at least not intentionally).

First we went to the official christening (can I still say that?) of a Coast Guard Cutter in Alameda. You may recall when we attended the “laying of the keel” ceremony for the Cutter named after Dorothy Stratton back in July of 2010. I always thought that was a trumped up excuse for a photo-op, as it was only 20% complete at the time:

“laying the keel” ceremony for Dorothy, July, 2010, in an oddly fitted dress   h/t Krista

Yesterday, when “Dorothy” was finally 100% complete, no champagne. Go figure. Maybe it was because it was already raining.

And speaking of rain, I don’t know what it is about Lady M, butt whenever she’s around men with umbrellas, they seem to lose the use of their frontal lobes:

Umbrella Men: Missing the concept

Maybe we should just stay home when it rains.

Little did I know at the time however that the umbrella incident was going to be the highpoint of the day.

Next stop: Nickelodeon. To present the “Big Help” award to Taylor Swift at the Kids Choice Awards show. Unfortunately, Taylor wasn’t the only one there who wound up needing some “Big Help.”

In the audience with the Wee Wons: everything seems to be going okay

And now, a few words from FLOTUS: a little sparkly butt still okay

Taylor arrives to receive her award;

Still ok…

…although maybe a stronger containment system would have provided a bit more lift and separation

             

Oh dear, what’s going on here – oh no! Not the long shot!

oh heck, let’s just get it over with. Here’s the BIG reveal:

Just pretend it was an April Fools joke and I’m sure you’ll feel better. I know I will. So with that conceit in mind, I think you’re probably ready to handle the really, really, looong shot:

I deeply apologize. I did my best, butt unfortunately I got slimed with that green crap they spray all over everybody on this dumb show and it totally screwed up my delicate lenses. Now I’m probably going to have to go to NASA for a deep cleanse and could be out of commission for a week. I never would have agreed to do this gig if I knew there was going to be slime, I have enough of that to deal with back in D.C., or if Lady M had told me she was being “dressed” by the same designer who was doing Katy Perry’s costume for the show. I’m so, so sorry. I’ll try to do a better job of vetting the event next time out.

So I’m glad it’s finally April. March was a complete nightmare. Honestly, it’s been like begging month on PBS around here, only you couldn’t turn it off. Between Big Guy’s March Madness - basketball games blaring from every TV, monitor and smart phone in the Big White - and the 24/7 solicitation for money to help BO WTF my backup systems are nearly fried. And now that I’ve seen what a battery fire can do to a Chevy Volt, I’m getting a little more concerned than I used to be.

Anyway, since the first quarter fund raising season is now officially over, I trust this email I received at 11:00 pm last night will be the last I’ll get for awhile. I sure hope so because I don’t like being referred to as “friend” by people I don’t know and I really don’t think I need a much better shot at having dinner with Big Guy  than I already have.

And as far as funding all those new “field offices” and “organizers,”  well,  I just find that a little creepy.

Attention New Black Panthers: you are now free to move about the country

Linked By: American Digest, and Pundit & Pundette, and Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, and and vanderleun on Naked D.C., and Frank P on The Coffee House Wall, and Teresa in Fort Worth, TX on Ace of Spades HQ, and Key West Reader on HOT AIR, and Juno on Hillbuzz, Thanks!

“Unfortunately these values are no longer reflected in our relationship…”

Goodness, I haven’t seen this many stops pulled out for a fundraiser since that “going away to live in our own house again” shower thrown for Bill and Hill when they packed up to leave town.

Butt the intertubes were burning up yesterday with pleas to spend your money on a sure thing:

No longer a dark horse, Big Guy’s already won life’s lottery

-- instead of wasting it on the mega millions lottery.

Raj himself got hit up twice, once by Lady M:

and once by Big Guy himself:

Raj reports that Plouffe-Daddy  has made donating so easy, all you have to do is hit a button on your cell phone and enter the amount you want to give. Yes! if you’ve ever donated before, we’ve stored your credit card number and can therefore just charge your WTF donation to it! Why didn’t we think of this before? If we need more money to WTF, we’ll just charge it; to you. It’s that kind of thinking that made this country great!

And while we’re talking about fundraising, you know the rules about no photos at the photo ops for “special” donors (i.e., not the ones who send $3 over their cell phone). Butt I thought you might want to see Lady M’s entourage on the way to our San Francisco meet and greet yesterday:

MOtorcade

Wow! We must have planned on picking up a lot of coin to need that many vehicles (34, counting the motorcycle cops).

Anyway, I tried to capture a still for you by reflecting in a large mirror that I spotted as we drove by, butt unfortunately you can’t really see Lady M, I guess I’m a little too reflective:

Anyway, to encourage you to ante up a few bucks and get into Big Guy’s mega-dinner lottery, I have a real special treat for you today! This is video from the last Lady M and Big Guy Dining with Donors. As with most of our home videos, it’s best to watch it with the sound turned off, butt suit yourself:

One last piece of sad news to report today: it seems that news savant Keith Olbermann just got canned by Al Gorical’s Current TV. The somewhat unceremonious announcement came on Friday afternoon with KO being replaced that same night by Elliot Spitzer. They didn’t even allow Keith one of his world famous displays of histrionic personality disorder in a final sign off. For that feat, Olbie was forced to do an hour long tweet-out in which he apologized for Current TV’s failure (no fault of his own) and advised all parties of the ugly lawsuit to follow. Eventually the 140 character limit got the better of him though, and he switched over to TwitLonger (possibly named after Olbie?)

But I turn your attention to happier times; when Olbie - fired from MSNBC - joined Algore’s Current TV. As recently as last January, Current president David Bohrman told the New York Daily News:

"Keith was transformative to MSNBC and he's been transformative here,"

When will these people figure out that being “transformative”  doesn’t always work our so well?

              

                     

So, no; you won’t have Keith Olbermann to kick around anymore. Please join me in welcoming Client Number 9 as he takes over the job of pimping the nightly news.

Good advice pimp-meister: keep 'yer trap shut. Also your fly.

The King is dead. Long live the King!

And this last observation on the whole unfortunate d’affaires Olbermann: Current TV founders Algore and Joel Hyatt issued the following statement regarding Keith’s departure:

They wrote that Current was founded "on the values of respect, openness, collegiality, and loyalty to our viewers. Unfortunately these values are no longer reflected in our relationship with Keith Olbermann and we have ended it."

Hmmmm...

“America’s Founding Fathers established the American republic on our First Principles to secure our freedom and liberty. Unfortunately these values are no longer reflected in our relationship with Barack Hussein and we have ended it.”

No, that was just a dream I had. When I woke up, I had another urgent email from Big Guy:

 

H/T: MP and Gerard

Although I think that part about my raise was probably just a pipedream too.

Linked By: Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, AND sb on Weasel Zippers, Thanks!

This Week’s Biggest Loser Looks Like…Big Guy!

Both Big Guy and Lady M will be busy sacrificin’ all through the weekend: shaking down the 1% in an effort to try to make ends meet.

Apparently this week’s email barrage from Joey B, John. F. Kerry, Jim Messina, Lady M, and Big Guy himself hasn’t shaken enough change out of your pockets to make our historic first quarter fundraising quota. It was a shock to learn that we can’t run our WTF campaign on deficit spending. Staffers expect paychecks come Friday, and media ads won’t run if there’s a past due account balance. Butt that’s ok, it just means we have to get back to doing what we do best: takin’ it to the streets.

If you have “a gift” you should use it.

This week’s really big bucks will be coming from Lady M’s San Francisco appearances. Whereas Big Guy’s doing clean-up duty in New England, MO will be spending her time more effectively: she’s going to where the real 1% live:

First Lady Michelle Obama is headed to San Francisco this weekend where she hopes to squeeze plenty of cash from members of the 1 percent so that her husband can secure reelection and help the 99 percent.

The First Lady will swing through the city on Friday night for a fundraiser at the California Academy of Sciences, where it will cost you at least $500 to get in the door. Or if you have tons of money to throw around, you can get your photo taken with her for $5,000.

A “co-host family” who is willing to pay $35,800 will get to join a private reception with Obama, and will receive a family photo with the First Lady. What’s more, they will also will have a family photo taken with President Barack Obama when he makes another visit to the Bay Area, whenever that is.

I haven’t read her speech yet, butt I assume it will include the usual rundown of Big Guy’s accomplishments (Obamacare is still on the list for the time being) along with the standard appeal to re-elect BO because both he and Lady M can really empathize with people going through tough economic times.

Moochy, in the sky with diamonds

Not that anyone at Friday’s soiree really cares about that, butt they like to think they’re voting for somebody who does.

So if you’re anywhere near the San Francisco area today, and you want to help WTF, please stop by with your checkbook. There will be champagne and snacks too.

Now, because It’s Friday, let’s do our weekly roundup of “biggest losers” for your consideration. Because there are so many entrees this week, let’s get right to it:

First up, Big Guy:

Not just the the Big Zero pose in Ohio

and the hand holding in Seoul,

“What? No, nothing to see here, move along.”

But I’m afraid the thing that landed Big Guy on the top of this week’s “biggest loser” list was that really bad showing in front of the Supremes by his hand selected solicitor general, as well as his appointed tutor.

h/t Clarice

That one took a little of the sheen off and pretty much killed that magic tingle thing we had going on.

Of course there’s our perennial candidate in this category - Joey “only-a-heartbeat-away” Biden:

“I really wanted to be a fireman, until I found out how much work it was.”

Vice President Joe Biden offered a frank assessment of his career in remarks at a Democratic fundraiser in Chicago Thursday night. According to a White House pool report, Biden, surrounded by the city’s movers and shakers, praised former Mayor Richard M. Daley and then said: “I never had an interest in being a mayor ’cause that’s a real job. You have to produce. That’s why I was able to be a senator for 36 years.”

and Joey, again:

“I’ve watched him make decisions that would make another man or woman’s hair curl,” Biden told the crowd of 150 inside the Italian Community Center in Milwaukee, according to a pool reporter on scene.

and one last time, Joey, take it away:

Unclear if Joey even knows the definition of “straightforward.”

Vice President Joe Biden, speaking to supporters at a fundraiser in Milwaukee, Wis., said that only Franklin Delano Roosevelt faced problems with more dire consequences during his presidency than President Obama.

“No president, and I would argue in the 20th century and including now the 21st century, has had as many serious problems which are cases of first-instance laid on his table. Franklin Roosevelt faced more dire consequences, but in a bizarre way it was more straightforward,” Biden said.

I know we need the cash, butt seriously, maybe we should give Joey the weekend off to, uh, regroup.

Then, of course there are all the newly deputized Justice Brothers (and Sisters) who have weighed in with their 2 cents worth (and overpriced at that) on Trayvon; thus doing their bit to encourage the lone wolf vigilantes along with the angry mob. There are, literally, too many of these idiots social commentators to mention, butt here are the leading contenders so far – along with the originals in this category of course:

Jesse and Al, the original Race Baiters, and still the best

• Big Guy (“if I had a son, he’d look like Trayvon”)

Really? WTF?

• Spike – although he did apologize to the McLain’s whose address he tweeted out erroneously:

He just wishes to say that it had been George’s real address, because that would have been the righteous thing to do, man.

• Roseanne, another twit, for tweeting out George Zimmerman’s parents correct address. I understand they are Catholic and/or a “White Hispanic” mirage. (Updated H/T: clarice & Fausta thanks girlfriends!) Isn’t that a hate crime?

 

•  Oprah (“it’s a tragedy and a shame and justice needs to be served”),

…and while I’m at it, I’m sorry I had to fire Rosie

• Nancy “if the justice system doesn’t work, we’ll have to try other options” Pelosi”:

• Little Richie “blame those crazy right wing conservatives for this tragedy” Trumka, grand wizard of the AFL-CIO

“Anything you can do I can do better”

• Bobbie “I’ll let my clothes speak for me” Rush:

It’s going to be impossible to select from this batch of “biggest losers” -

I say we give them all a gold star.

h/t Weasel Zippers

Linked By: American Digest, and ImNoDhimmi on Weasel Zippers, and NOBO2012 on Free Republic, Thanks!

Diversionary tactics are usually used to avoid the “plane wreck”

Uff da! Another rough day for our team at the Supreme court. Jeffrey Toobin down-upgraded the patient’s condition from a “train wreck” to a “plane wreck.” Prognosis: terminal. Diversionary tactics are usually used to avoid the plane wreck, not to obscure the debris.

Butt, in order to get everyone’s attention off of this potentially disastrous and embarrassing snafu in Obamacare’s march to infamy, we quickly deployed a slew of the usual suspects to, uh, distract the eye and improve the optics of the situation.

Distraction #1, Greedy Big Oil raising gas prices:

   

Gas prices on the rise, from sea to shining sea

Granted this one’s a two-edged sword, butt the EPA is responsible for keeping this diversion going for awhile longer. Their key strategy seems to be tripling down on the “None of the Above” energy policy:

Coal is our nation’s leading source of electricity for a reason; it is less expensive than all other sources except large-scale hydropower, which environmental activists had already taken off the table. By definition you cannot ban the least expensive power sources without creating a jump in electricity prices. If you have been a fan of our rapidly rising gasoline prices, you are going to love what is about to happen to our electricity prices, too.

So I think we’ve got the environmentalists-against-progress vote locked up. To mitigate the fallout of these increases  Big Guy will continue to taut his “All of the Above” energy policy, which is essentially higher taxes on fossil fuels and tax payer subsidies on everything else, while continuing to demonize Big Oil and their big profits.

Part of our “all of the above” alternate energy subsidy program

Diversion #2, amusing and endearing Joey B gaffes:

“So let me say it again: Thank you, Terry, and thank you, Dr. Pepper, and thank you, Chancellor — Dr. Paper — and thank you, Chancellor, for this partnership of yours…”

I'm a Pepper, he's a Pepper,
She's a Pepper, we're a Pepper,
Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too?

It’s confusing, so many peppers out there. And they all look alike.

Diversion #3, Lady M trips:

This one always works. Lady M and the Wee Wons are in Las Vegas, baby!

                  

You know, the vacation spot Big Guy said we shouldn’t patronize if the budget was a little tight? I guess ours is just fine. In fact, I see the House just passed BO’s budget 414–0. What? Oh, they killed it 414-0.  Well, I guess we can’t have a budget problem if we don’t have a budget.

I don’t know what we’re doing in Vegas anyway. The Wee Wons are too young to smoke, drink or gamble so I guess we’ll just head over to Treasure Island and watch the pirates plunder the unfortunate bystanders. Frankly, they didn’t need to leave D.C. to do that.

Unclear if Lady M will have to do a little more sacrificin’ to raise some money to help us reach our 2nd quarter fundraising target. If we’re going to come up a little short (and it sure sounds like we might) this is probably a good place to pick up a little cash. I’m pretty sure everyone here appreciates all that Big Guy has done for them.

“The guy keeps making speeches about redistribution and maybe we ought to do something to businesses that don't invest, their holding too much money. We haven't heard that kind of talk except from pure socialists. Everybody's afraid of the government and there's no need soft peddling it, it's the truth… And I'm telling you that the business community in this [country] is frightened to death of the weird political philosophy of the President of the United States. And until he's gone, everybody's going to be sitting on their thumbs.”

Yesterday Lady M and the Wee Wons visited Mt. Rushmore, I think to pick out an appropriate future location.

And # 4, our final diversion for the week, Big Guy’s war against anti-civility:

Oh wait, we haven’t had a chance to weigh in on that one yet. Butt I’m sure we will, soon, because apparently the R-words are “politicizing” the Trayvon Martin tragedy. This incivility just has to end. I mean all the uncivil, inflammatory rhetoric and all, right? Bounties? Wanted dead or alive? A “Kill Zimmerman” hashtag, with crosshairs?

Surely the DOJ will be all over these unlawful perpetrators of hate crimes, like white on rice, shortly.

Personally I think it’s time to call in the big guns – no, not Jesse or Al. Time for a real professional:

This situation calls for a real Nobel Peace Prize winner

Effective immediately, all vehicles registered in Florida will be required to display this bumper sticker (a small tax may apply; we still have that deficit thing to deal with):

That should take care of things until such time as we decide to unleash the angry mobs.

I just HOPE these diversionary tactics work so we don’t have to leak Lady M’s special relationship with Gerard which came to light yesterday.

“Why don’t you come up and see me some time?”

Linked By: NoBlahBlah on Weasel Zippers, Thanks!

Oh What a Tangled Web We Weave

                         Oh what a tangled web we weave

                         When first we practice to deceive -- Sir Walter Scott 

                      

"A departure from principle in one instance becomes a precedent for a second; that second for a third; and so on, till the bulk of the society is reduced to be mere automatons of misery, to have no sensibilities left but for sin and suffering." --Thomas Jefferson

Do you see what happens when you can no longer call a spade a spade?

Maybe it would have been best if Congress had just called the “penalty” for failure to purchase the government mandated health insurance what Big Guy voted to call it before he voted against calling it that: a tax. Then we wouldn’t be in this pickle.

Butt since taxes are neither popular or palatable, the Dems decided to call the fee for failure to bend to Obama’s will a “penalty” instead of a “tax,” here we are with this sticky Supreme Court wicket. Congress can levy taxes on you to pay for programs, butt apparently they can’t “create a commercial transaction in order to regulate that commerce.” Got that?

At least so far, it looks like a preponderance of the Supremes are leaning towards saying “Stop! In the Name of Love” the individual mandate falls outside the purview of Congress’ authority under the Constitution – i.e., it’s unconstitutional. That’s bad.

This is not going to make Big Guy very happy, as you can probably tell from his “coming home from Seoul-searching and hand-holding” wave.

The pearly whites, no longer in sight

Forget about the severability (or lack thereof) of Obamacare: we can’t even get past the enumerated powers clause, as some describe it:

“That’s the point of enumerated powers — to lock them inside an area within which they can act but from which they’re not supposed to escape. Everything outside that sphere is reserved for the people and their state governments.”

So here, as lawyers like to say, is what the Obamacare mandate case appears to turn on: can Congress force someone into commerce in order to regulate that commerce? The answer seems to depend on whether anyone seriously thinks this is what the founding fathers had in mind when they wrote the commerce clause (Article I, Section 8, Clause 3)

I know, I know: the Constitution is old and wrinkly, and in serious need of a facelift anyway. Butt it doesn’t look like that’s a procedure that’s covered by the Constitution. Or Obamacare.

Even Big Guy’s most loyal supporters – who assumed as recently as last weekend that this was a slam-dunk - are beginning to worry that something stupid’s going on here.

"This was a train wreck for the Obama administration," he said. "This law looks like it's going to be struck down. I'm telling you, all of the predictions including mine that the justices would not have a problem with this law were wrong... if I had to bet today I would bet that this court is going to strike down the individual mandate."

I don't know why he had a bad day," he said. "He is a good lawyer, he was a perfectly fine lawyer in the really sort of tangential argument yesterday. He was not ready for the answers for the conservative justices."

Mr. Toobin sounded like he was in shock. And he just couldn’t understand why the government’s lawyer, Mr. Verrilli, seemed unprepared to answer the questions from the “conservative” Justices.

Maybe it was because there is no good way to defend the indefensible?  Maybe there is no “limiting principle” that he could articulate?

Butt can Lady M make me buy broccoli? You might not like the answer.

I dunno, I’m not buying it. Maybe it’s just part of the Republicans larger War on Women?

Don’t get Fluked for $9 a month

All I know for sure is if you’ve got Ezra Klein in a tizzy…

…we’ve got trouble my friend – right here in Deliver City. Especially if some of the “independent” justices start acting stupidly.

In other news, and unrelated in any direct way to the Obamacare controversy, Lady M planted a cherry tree in Washington D.C. yesterday. 

Another shovel ready project

Say, do you remember that story about George Washington? The one about the cherry tree and him never being able to tell a lie? Karma, baby. Karma.