After her very busy summer of sacrifice and hard work, you’d think Lady M would be exhausted, and in need of a rest. Especially since we have another hectic season coming up: stumping for all the dead-Dems-walking, a jam-packed holiday season, and a “rumored” Vogue cover shoot. But you’d be wrong. MO has had the Big White literally sizzling with runway electricity.
It’s our quarterly wardrobe transformation, and because it ushers in the holiday season, our Fall Fashion collection is always the most anticipated. So grab a bag of Cheetos, strike a pose, and prepare yourselves for our fall fashion tour of fabulosity: we’re about to open Lady M’s Fall Fashion Notebook.
Our head stylist, Ikram, along with our dozens of style-icon assistants, have been helping us sort and select from literally hundreds of gowns, frocks, slacks and mini-me sweaters that have been arriving at the Big White by the truckload.
Winnowing down the selection of belts, pins, brooches, bangles, earrings and doo-dads alone took 3 whole days! We probably could have managed in 2 if we hadn’t scheduled regular martini and snack breaks.
Ikram, Lady M’s fashion guru. Now you know.
We’re working it extra hard this year because things have been a little grim in the news. We’ve got the recession raging, confidence flagging, Dems betraying, and Ms.NBC hatin’ (on us). I’m sure you can see, our finally crafted image is on the line, so we’ve got to get the optics right.
We can’t afford another fashion faux pas like we had last year at the Veteran’s Day ceremony at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Lady M wore something many considered, well, unusual. It was a “one thing is not like the others” moment, and not in a good way.
But in Lady M’s defense, Veteran’s Day was not a holiday that she and Big Guy ever celebrated before she was proud of her country. So she wasn’t familiar with the protocol.
This year we’re playing it safe and have selected something from the Max Mara Fall 2010 military-look collection that I think will work much better:
Note that we’re keeping our signature boob belt, but toning down the “ammunition belt” silhouette. We’ve also ruled out the matching suit (left): we’re still not that comfortable with the whole “military” thing.
And since the coat buttons up to the neck, MO can discretely recycle an old favorite that she’s worn to many military Medal of Honor ceremonies.
That way, as soon as the Arlington wreath ceremony is over, we can just lose the coat and we’re ready for cocktails and snacks!
But back to our fall wardrobe choices: We need selections that can stand up to an entire season of multi-cultural celebrations.
The season kicked off with Eid Al-fitr - the end of Ramadan - on September 11; which was inconvenient, for sure, since Lady M had to go to Pennsylvania with Laura Bush on the same, exact day for a 9/11 memorial.
Then we jumped right into Mexican Independence Day...
Lady M, wearing her “Rubber meets the Load” frock in the season’s newest neutral: graphite, at this year’s Mexican Independence Day festivities
… which is celebrated by a growing number of “Americans” every year. This was followed yesterday by Fall Holiday (formerly known as Columbus Day).
Curiously, the holiday-formerly-known-as-Columbus-Day is celebrated as Día de la Raza in Mexico. My language pack translates that as “Day of the Race,” which doesn’t sound anything like “Columbus Day” or “Fall Holiday,” although I’ve been assured it marks the same event.
But I digress. Putting our Summer of Recovery behind us, we’re launching into our robust Fall of Fabrication. Lady M has selected an extraordinary color scheme of camouflaging neutrals, and 3 fashion motifs for the First Family’s wardrobe.
First, lets talk color specifics: if, unlike Maureen Dowd, you liked the Oval re-do, you’re going to love our new fall camouflage palette:
All beige, brown, black, khaki and gray; the entire fashion world is dialing down the color saturation. Our BFF Arianna calls it “The Audacity of Taupe.” It’s a bit drab, muted and subdued – dull even - but in a totally post-partisan way.
Some say the intent of this palate of neutrality is to inject a sense of calm into the kaleidoscopic tumbling of fragmented vectors...???...I don’t know what that means. But it does remind me of something...what is it again?...oh yes: the Carter years.
So, here, in a nutshell is our First Family fall fashion plan: 3 of the hottest trends emerging from the most influential design houses (the ones that send us free stuff).
1) Military chic: as the Daily Mirror (the other one) put it: “… what better way to achieve world domination and project yourself as a force to be reckoned with than following in the footsteps of history's most feared men?” Enough said.
2)) Cossack couture: technically a subset of military chic, but with an emphasis on warmth, in case you can’t afford to turn up the thermostat this winter. It’s uber-stylish, mainly because everything from Soviet era USSR is cool again.
3) Caftans: this is a nod to our North African Arab-Muslims. It’s likewise a great look for those American women who aren’t, and probably never will be, as as slim, toned and smart as Lady M.
Caftan inspired fashions are designed to hide those burger bumps, ice cream handlebars, muffin tops and “beer” bellies so prevalent in fly-over, while still stylin’ like vixens. Of course, if you’re proud of those burger bumps, this could be a good choice too:
Our caftan collection, on the other hand offers approachable fashions that provide camouflage for butts and thighs in need of liposuction, and pre-tucked tummies on hold until George W. Bush’s recession of 2009-12 is over.
First up, our military look. Despite our misgivings about the military, we really like this motif, especially since Big Guy is acting commander-in-chief. You’ve already seen Lady M’s selection from this genre.
Here are a few things MO picked out for BO from the Max Mara line:
And my favorite: this is sort of a “Patton meets Little Lord Fauntleroy” look. I know it doesn’t fit our color scheme, but, as always, Chicago rules apply here.
MO thought this look was evocative of Winston Churchill, although I don’t know how she would know, since they sent his statue back to England. I’m a big Winnie fan, but truthfully, I’m thinking this is more “Stanley Kubrick meets Super Fly.”
For more casual outings, we’re trading BO’s Verizon-guy “can you hear me now?” jacket for something a little more macho; a little more “I visited a South American dictator.”
MO selected this next look for BO from Calvin Klein’s velvet and satin formal wear collection. This is obviously intended for very special occasions – for example, if Big Guy needs to accept another prestigious international medal from the Norwegians, Frogs, or Belgians.
Look for Big Guy to wear this when he convinces Bebe to “submit” to his Middle East “Peace” Plan, and announces that the Jews have all agreed to go home to Germany, Poland and Boca Raton.
And don’t think we’ve left out the Wee Wons. Here’s a little something for them to get their para-military vibe going:
This brings us to our Cossack collection, another look that’s “of the moment” this fall. Here it is for kids, from Jean Paul Gaultier’s “little brown shirts” collection:
It’s roots are an ironic blend of Cossack and royalty. You see the royal influences from the robe worn by Czarina Alexandria, below, the last of Russia’s Romanovs. Don’t ask. It didn’t end well.
Czarina Alexandria, left; Regal red for the “Winter Holiday.” Again, an exception to the color palette for the royals.
Inspired by this collection, Ikram tracked down these great costumes for Lady M and Big Guy to wear for the annual Big White Halloween party. This year’s costume theme: “Come as you really are.”
Wrapping up our Cossack line is this little number, also from Max Mara. It comes in a muted but elegant khaki and combines 2 of our fall motifs: military reference and a Cossack bloomer thingy with matching boots. Plus, those to-die-for black fur mittens – a deconstructed muff!
Added value: it comes with a belt that holds our Blackberry and snacks.
Moving on to the Caftans: while they are unisex, these don’t work so well for Big Guy. As you may surmise from this picture of fellow fashion-icon, Andre Leon Tally, it doesn’t fit well with Big Guy’s new man-up look.
Besides, caftans aren’t really designed for manorexic poseurs anyway.
Our caftan collection is ideal for people who are just looking to lose that last 50 pounds, and don’t have the benefit of a high-tech, “emperor’s” mirror like moi. Not that anyone around here needs to lose weight, butt still, we do want to model something for everyone.
If you missed yesterday’s post - Happy Thanksgiving Canadians, Eh! – then you also missed our choice for this year’s non-public “Fall Holiday” party. Lady M selected a sleeveless, caftan-inspired gown reflecting Native American sensibilities. Fall Holiday, as you may recall from history class if you’re under 30, is the day we commemorate the Europeans arrival in the New World to kill Native Americans with small pox and steal their land.
For everyday wear we’ve selected this Marc Jacobs creation: it covers all our bases.
- lace (feminine),
- boob-belt (fashion forward),
- caftan-inspired swing jacket (extra room for burger bumps)
- double-wide coattail (keister concealing).
I haven’t quite figured out the leg warmers yet, but anything that covers up those shiny gams meets with my approval.
What really throws this look over the top is the perfectly matched, insulated, roomy snack bucket. As Chrissy Matthews would say, this one’s “pluperfect.”
Artist’s rendering, MO’s rendering
Did I mention that the Cossack line uses a lot of real fur? The animals have been raised on a 100% organic vegan diet, so I don’t think PETA will object. I’m not sure this look is quite right for MO, but she does love fur, and ordered one of each.
J.P. Gaultier burqa
Amanda Wakeley chador
I think it’s supposed to be some kind of a cross-cultural statement, but it comes across more cross-species. All I’m getting is “Yeti in Burqa,” but I doubt that’s what the designers had in mind.
And for our last entry in Lady M’s fall fashion notebook, Ikram really hit this one out of the park. She found the perfect look for Big Guy’s new civilian national security force from – are you sitting down? Armani!
Artist Emporio Armani’s rendition, above
Team Obama modeling the new uniform:
BO, flanked by Axe-man, Turbo-Tax Tim, Harry the Reid and Rhambo.
And remember Big Guy wants his National Security Force to be “just as strong, just as powerful … as our military.” With these new uniforms, I don’t think we’ll have any trouble finding recruits. We’re pretty sure they’ll all be packin’, butt we’ll probably have to teach them to shoot straight.
Looks like another successful season of fashion fabulosity.