Sunday, November 6, 2011

Occupy Wall Street: Now Certified Halal

Good News! Middle Eastern Revolutionaries - who certainly know a thing or two about tyranny -  have joined the OWIES – to protest, uh, the tyranny of banks. And America. And, oh yes, the tyranny of stew-dent loans.

no idea where I'll beActually sweetie, that’s entirely up to you. Butt assuming the POWIES are still banging the drums in Zoo-cotti Park, I think I can guess.

Other professional agitators who joined the “movement” over the weekend included the  Reverend Jesse Jackson:

Jackson called the Occupy movement “a gallant stand for social justice for all people” that represents the growing disparity between the haves and the have-nots. He praised the multiracial coalition of people and said the effort reminds him of the Poor People’s Campaign that King was just beginning before he was killed in April 1968.

It should be noted that the group more closely resembles the Rev. Jackson’s own Rainbow/Push Coalition of Shakedown Artists and Occupiers than it does the Rev. Martin Luther King’s work to end racial segregation and racial discrimination through civil disobedience and other nonviolent means, butt that’s just a nit. The Shakedown Artists of OWS and the Rainbow Nation both believe businesses exist to meet their demands. Take McDonalds for example – why can’t they just give away free food? Because after all, aren’t civil rights, and economic justice all about the same thing: communism? I don’t think that’s exactly what Dr. Martin Luther King had in mind, butt again, just a nit. Sometimes opportunism requires a bit of nuance.

jesse mickeyBirds of a feather Jesse, Maxi, and Mikey are all “about socializing.” They’re also “all about” getting “their little taste” from the pot at the end of the Rainbow.

Sadly, the Atlanta police had to arrest some of Jesse’s civil rights workers.

Don’t worry: despite increasing crime being visited on the camps, the protests continue unabated across the country, with more and more OWIES posting their plights on the We are the 99% Tumbler page. Take today for example:

best and brightest

I hope that’s not true. Butt if it is, maybe we should start asking the baggers at Kroger how to fix this economic mess.

I do feel badly for these young OWIES though: so many of them seem to be suffering from (diagnosed and undiagnosed) mental disorders:

stanford mood disorder

“I’m getting a masters degree because I need the loan money for food and rent” ???  Really? I didn’t even know you could do that. How’s that going to help WTF? It’s not, that’s how; I would have depressive disorder too. BTW, what is tulip disease?

Say, here’s an idea! Maybe she can get a job bagging groceries at Kroger – I hear they are unionized, that means benefits, right?

Even though I had a baby at 19, I did everything I was supposed to do

“Even though I had a baby at 19, I did everything I was supposed to do.” ??? Who on earth told you to do that!?! I hate to sound like a broken record, butt how’s that going to help WTF either? What with child labor laws, your baby won’t even be able to get a job for another 14 years.

And while she hasn’t mentioned it, since she cries a lot, I’m guessing she has at least a minor in depressive mood disorder. And why are you driving a van? They get terrible gas mileage and have a ginormous carbon footprint. Think bicycle. You can get them with baby trailers.

Butt here’s the week’s saddest OWIE of all:

I don't think it's the mood disorder you've had your entire life keeping you from getting a job babeThere’s really only Won “essential federal employee”

There’s so many disturbing things about the plight of this poor young wife of an essential government employee it’s hard to know where to begin.

A more shallow analyst might focus on the potential for drug abuse in this situation, butt I don’t think it’s fair to judge someone just based on the face they choose to put forth to the world. So I’ll just note that like the last two POWIES, this wife and mother of two has a mood disorder – for which she’s unable to get any legal drugs due to the unfair policies of BIG INSURANCE.

Honestly, with so much depressive mood disorder going on it’s beginning to sound like an epidemic. Next thing you know, the R-words will be blaming that on Big Guy’s fiscal policies too!

It isn’t really any of my business, butt since she did post this on a public forum, and it does seem she’s reaching out for help; I would like to offer some advice. It’s the same advice I gave one of our first POWIES: it’s still generally easier to score a job if you lose the facial tats, nose rings, lip rings and cheek balls - even if you still have a mood disorder. You’re welcome sweetie. And good luck – because remember: eventually other people’s parents run out of money.

Even with the new support pouring in from the Middle East, I’m not sure how openly Big Guy is embracing the POWIES any more. It’s getting more complicated, what with the sexual assaults, violence and deaths.

So, coming off Big Guy’s stunning performance at the rain in Cannes, we have a new plan.

bo wet in FranceThe world’s original Sham-WOW! guy just soaks it up.

We’re shifting our attention away from all the OWIES of the USA (including the economy, Soyndra and Fast and Furious) and onto our One World Order credentials. In case there’s an opening for Emperor of the Universe later this decade. Accordingly, Big Guy and Lady M issued this Hajj and Eid al-Adha statement to their (potentially) largest voting block yet: 

Michelle and I extend our greetings for a happy Eid al-Adha to Muslims worldwide and congratulate those performing Hajj.

Thousands of Muslim Americans are among those who have joined one of the world’s largest and most diverse gatherings in making the pilgrimage to Mecca and nearby sites. [ed. “diverse” is not used in the same sense as it normally is in America, as Christians, Jews, Hindus and Buddhists are banned from the most holy cities of the Hajj. So the “most diverse gathering” in Mecca is made up exclusively of Muslims.]


As Muslims celebrate this Eid, they will also commemorate Abraham’s willingness to sacrifice his son by distributing food to those less fortunate around the world. They join the United States and the international community in relief efforts to assist those struggling to survive in the Horn of Africa and those recovering from the devastating earthquake in Turkey.[ed. note: the previous was a paid international political ad] 

The Eid and Hajj rituals are a reminder of the shared roots of the world’s Abrahamic faiths and the powerful role that faith plays in motivating communities to serve and stand with those in need.  On behalf of the American people, we extend our best wishes during this Hajj season. 

Eid Mubarak and Hajj Mabrour. 

Since Big Guy and Lady M forgot to issue Easter Greetings to the Christians last year, maybe I should send them a tweet on Good Friday this year, reminding them of the obscure Christian feast. That way we can make Easter one of the most diverse holidays celebrated around the world too.

helloeverybodyLook! It’s the Easter Bunny!

Update: Check out JWF’s POWIE of the week: “I’m like a Celebrity Back Home”

Linked By: Mark Steyn @ National Review Online, and American Digest, and Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, and Tweeted by Pundette, Thanks!