MOTUS A.D.: Weekend Roundup: Zoolander Meets Joey Wonka

Monday, May 20, 2013

Weekend Roundup: Zoolander Meets Joey Wonka

If you were smart you made the most of your pre-Memorial Day weekend by not watching the news. Or maybe you only watched the Sunday morning talking heads to keep up on Scandal-gate. Either way, you probably missed the big stories about our newly expanded and re-vitamized initiatives. Let me bring you up to speed.

First, Lady M announced she is dramatically expanding her No Child’s Fat Behind initiative to zoos! Yup, that’s right, zoos. [Let’s be careful out there: no simian references please. We’re better than that.]

Most people are not aware of the growing problem of zoo resident obesity. In their natural environs animals eat responsibly; healthy, sustainable foods like grass, leaves and...well, each other:

I know it sounds heartless, butt lions, tigers and bears are sort of like nature’s personal trainers: the critters that don’t wind up as the entrée du jour get a lot of exercise and don’t grow fat behinds. Ok, so it’s not as civilized as jumping on the elliptical at Planet Fitness for 30 minutes, butt it is highly effective.

I don’t know all the details of MO’s plan yet, other than it involves copious amounts of Sensa added to the daily feedbag, butt I think you’ll agree that our pilot project has produced some remarkable Before and After results:

Required Legal Disclaimer: Results are not typical. Your results will vary and probably disappoint.

And it even seems to work for toads, which could come in very handy around here:

I should point out that the FDA has not yet approved this new magic bullet diet for humans:

The booty in its natural habitat

Moo-ving on then, Joey B was also busy re-vitamizing our ~~2nd Amendment Repeal~~ ~~Gun Confiscation~~ common “Sensa” Gun Violence Reduction initiative last weekend.

Check your email, because if “your in,” you got this email from Big Guy’s shadow campaign:

MOTUS --
This is just adorable in every way.
Myles, a 7-year-old from Milwaukee, wrote Vice President Biden a letter to suggest that if guns shot chocolate bullets, no one would get hurt.
The Vice President wrote back. Take a look at his response, then share it with your friends:

Dear Myles --
I am sorry it took me so very long to respond to your letter.
I really like your idea. If we had guns that shot chocolate, not only would our country be safer, it would be happier. People love chocolate.
You are a good boy.
-- Joe Biden

Thanks,
Organizing for Action
----------------
A movement of millions elected President Obama. Let's keep fighting for change. Chip in $5 or more to STOP Organizing for Action today.

Paid for by Organizing for Action

Winking smile

Contributions or gifts to Organizing for Action are NOW tax deductible – Thanks IRS!

Winking smile

This email was sent to: motus@whitehouse.org.

Could there be a more adorable kid? Myles, I mean, not Joey B.

Joey Wonka and his chocolate bullet factory

That kid’s suggestion is the bomb! (can I say that?) We’re going to ban the manufacture and sale of bullets made from anything other than chocolate! You can have all the guns you want, even machine guns! We don’t have to worry about 2nd Amendment issues anymore! Pure genius.

It also fits right in with our old NOLA initiative, which we put on hold for RayNay’s trial and expected time in the hoosegow:

Given the conviction records of mayors from the other “chocolate” cities (former mayor Sharpe James, Newark, former mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C. and former mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, Detroit) Ray Nagin might want to reconsider his decision to banish God from his “crazy moments.” He might need Him.

Anyway, if you’re interested, you can pre-order your Joey B national defense kit from Amazon today. Order within the next hour, and they’ll send you a second set for the same low price! Just pay separate processing and handling. Don’t leave your town defenseless.

So if all this doesn’t take your mind off the “irrelevant” law that used to make it illegal for the IRS to target el Presidente’s political enemies, well, I just can’t help you today. Take two chocolates and call me in the morning.

A B-61 nuclear missile: the silver bullet reserved for our enemies. Like the Tea Party.