Most alphabet journ-O-lists like to wrap up the week on Saturday or Sunday giving their own “unique spin” on the week’s news. Butt, as you know, I’m not most alphabet journ-O-lists. Let’s get started with my new, journ-O-list style feature: Hump Day Noows Roundup.
Up first, Changing Our Royal Palace Guard:
On Tuesday, Big Guy named veteran Secret Service agent Lilly Raines as the Royal Palace Guard’s first female director, signaling his desire to change the culture at the male-dominated service, which has been marred by scandal.
Veteran SS agent Lilly Raines, along with agent Frank Horrigan, earned the agency’s top honor for saving the President’s life when former CIA assassin, Mitch Leary, planned to kill the him because he believed the President betrayed the government. Raines and Horrigan...uh...wait a minute.
That’s the story line from the movie “In the Line Of Fire,” isn’t it? I guess my interactive hard drives got scrambled for a millisecond there.
Moving on then to our next story: Wind Farms' War On Eagles.
As hard as it is to believe, the war on eagles, which ended more than 40 years ago, is back.
The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service (FWS) is investigating a groundbreaking Nevada wind farm after finding a dead golden eagle on its premises last month. (snip) the Spring Valley Wind Farm may face a $200,000 fine...
Sheep ranchers believed that the eagles were responsible for the periodic decimation of their flocks and declared war on our national symbol. Wind farmers, it appears, believe that the eagles, who love to soar on the heated desert updrafts, are decimating the farm’s supply of wind and are killing the graceful birds like varmints with their windmills.
Spring Valley is not actually a breeding ground for golden eagles, but they do migrate through the region, as bald eagles do occasionally, too. Both species are given specific protections by a 1940 federal law, and both have been easy prey for the increasing number of wind farms across the U.S. (snip) as many as 500 golden eagles a year may be killed in the western U.S. by wind turbines...
The announcement of the FWL investigation came as a surprise to energy analysts, who expected Big Guy to support wind farmers in their efforts to stop the stealing of wind. During his historic first re-election campaign, which continues to this day, Big Guy signaled his concern about the theft of wind - which is considered a part of the R-words War On Women.
And closing out my report, Big Guy’s New Secretary Suffers Massive Brain Injury:
Doctors at Walter Reed expressed concern today that Big Guy’s new secretary, John Kerry, suffered a massive brain injury while “heading" a soccer ball in Kabul. The soccer ball was made in Afghanistan and may not conform to federal Consumer Product Safety standards for soccer ball softness and composition.
Concern mounted after Kerry’s stunt, when he said that he was “Very, Very Comfortable” with Afghan President Karzai “suggesting collusion between the U.S. and Taliban.” A State Department Spokesperson dismissed the suggestion of brain damage, saying “That’s just John being John. Remember all the stuff he said back in 1971 about our soldiers cutting off ears and noses, just so he could get a date with Jane Fonda?”
Researchers at the Center For Disease Control are looking into the possibility that being Big Guy’s secretary increases the risk of serious head injury. As you may recall, Kerry’s predecessor and former shoe-in to be next President of the United States, Hillary Clinton, suffered a concussion just in time to delay her testimony in the terrorist attack on our Consulate in Benghazi. And just long enough to intimidate and sequester all the survivors (while also ensuring Big Guy’s historic first reelection.)
The State Department originally reported the attack on the consulate ‘by a rogue band of devout mooselims, outraged by a sacrilegious video, stupidly posted on youtube by a right-wing nut,’ resulted in the deaths of U.S. Ambassador Christopher Stevens, CIA contractors and former Navy Seals Tyrone Woods and Glen Doherty, and Foreign Service Officer Sean Smith. Then later we found out it was just caused by some bumps in the road.
Never Forget the “bumps in the road”!
Today’s Noows Broadcast was brought to you by The Redheads Anti Defamation League
Cross-Posted on Patriot Action Network