I am just sooo excited for my best buddy blogger Dewey From Detroit. Today, American Thinker published an article “Postmodernism: A unified theory of all the trouble in the world” by Team-Dewey contributor, and MOTUS BFF, She-Dewey. It’s a great read and it is soooo Lady M’s philosophy. Big Guy doesn’t really have anything you’d call a “philosophy” but he doesn’t really need one: he’s got TOTUS.
The White House Correspondent’s Dinner? Are you sure? Because it looked more like the Entertainment Weekly Correspondent’s Dinner to me. Ashley Judd, Rachael Ray, Kim Kardashian, Justin Bieber, Alec Baldwin, Dana Delany, Gabourey Sidibe 
– well, we all know what Gabby was there for.
They’ve all been at the White House, but I didn’t know they were on our official e-mail list now.
But really, what a difference a year makes! From fushia to red. (no jokes required)
From burger bump, to bump and grind. From art festival jewelry to, well, ok, more art festival jewelry, but not quite as tacky and not as prominently displayed.
But why oh why we have such trouble with the best hair money can buy, I’ll never know.
And I’m afraid we’re going to have to get back to the gym-zone pretty soon, because unless it’s just bad lighting, those guns are going to need a little more toning. Dare I suggest she start picking her burgers up with her hands again, instead of eating them with a knife and fork?
Yikes! Now that I look again I can see that I shouldn’t have slipped off to enjoy an adult beverage with Smootie after the initial round of pictures were snapped. My bad.
But I do think I did some of my best trompe l'oeil work earlier in the evening.
Plus, I managed to reflect Katie’s inner mouse:
I guess the D.C. elite didn’t enjoy Jay Leno taking shots at Big Guy, but other than that, it was another successful venue for Big Guy to practice his stand-up routine. All in all, a pretty successful Fox roast.
So have you heard about the stupid law passed in Santa Clara county, California? It’s got both Lady M and Big Guy all wee-weed-up.
Apparently the Santa Clara County residents (aka Clarabellans) are tired of all their kids being obese, and they’re angry and frustrated with the federal government for failing to enact into law and fully fund MO’s “No Child’s Fat Behind” program. Taking a cue from the angry, frustrated haters in Arizona, they, too, took matters into their own hands. Recognizing the the evil McD’s is using cheap plastic toys to lure children into unhealthy eating practices, they’ve passed an irresponsible and unconstitutional law prohibiting Mickey D's from including those cute little toys in the formerly “Happy Meal”.
I was so proud of how Lady M took the lead on this one. She even stopped eating her hamburger long enough to to step up to the plate and bat one out of the park, telling a gaggle of supportive reporters:
"The failure to act responsibly at the federal level will only open the door to irresponsibility by others. And that includes, for example, the recent efforts in Santa Clara County, which threaten to undermine the basic notions of fairness that we cherish as Americans.”
And she didn’t stop there: “I will closely monitor the situation and examine the civil rights and other implications of this legislation. And I have ordered Barack to order the Justice Department to monitor the implementation of the law for any potential civil rights violations, real or imagined.”
Now that’s a pair.
When she was done with her delicious Happy Meal, she met with a group of children protesting the end of the Happy Meal toy and posed for pictures.
Now, you might be surprised that Lady M has taken this position, since she’s the one always yapping about the kids fat behinds. But like almost everything Team-O has on its plate, there’s always more going on behind the non-transparent curtain than in front of it. Now, you can’t tell anyone yet, but we think we’re close to inking a historic deal with Mickey D to transform the original Happy Meal:
The new, transformational Happy Meal is going to be, well, I tell you what: I’ll just report, you decide.
Things were all lined up and then – blamo! – along comes this group of angry haters right out of left field, passing a law that threatens to undermine our entire historic deal. Big Guy mustered Riki and a team of his best litigators to sue the crap out of those Clarabellan clowns.
We’re not very optimistic about our odds of winning in court however. We haven’t had enough time to stack transform the Supreme Court, and I guess some of them are still ticked off about Big Guy ripping them a new one at our first historic State of the “How-Cool-is-the-Union-Now?” Address.
On top of that, our go-to source for legal research on the opposition’s point of view, the Legal Insurrection , makes an unfortunately solid case for the Arizona law’s constitutionality. That doesn’t bode well for our Happy Meal case.
But then, in the depths of our despair, Big Guy drew from his experience as a Constitutional Law professor lecturer teleprompter reader guy and told Riki to ignore the old, traditional legal arguments. And, to the amazement of all, Big Guy outlined the finer points of his new, post-modern, transformational legal case. Well, technically it’s called an Executive Order:
The Santa Clara law banning the toys in Happy Meals is unconstitutional because I said so. Because I’m the President.
So let it be written.
So let it be done.
So once we get the endorsement of the MSM, I guess we’re good to go with the new, downsized, healthier Happy Meal:
I ‘m not sure the kids are going to like it though, because it is a lot smaller. But we’re doing it for their own good. You’d think they’d be saying “thank you.”
Did you see what Lady M was up to last week? She planted a butterfly garden!
Yes, I know. I always thought butterflies hatched from caterpillars too, until last fall when the butterflies that Lady M planted in her organic butterfly garden last spring were ready for harvest and started showing up all over the Big White grounds. Remember?
We even had a special party for them on Halloween.
And even though we cut that deal with Big Pharma to get them on board with Obamacare, I guess the party didn’t have anything to do with them or their scary sleeping pills.
Although it does strike me as a bit suspicious that their slogan is “Sleep you’ve been Dreaming of,” and Big Guy’s book is called “Dreams of My Father, and Lady M tells the little fat behinds to “Dream Big Dreams.” But I guess it’s just a coincidence. Besides, we’ve sworn off the pharmaceuticals around here. At least those pharmaceuticals.
I’m sure you’ve heard of the butterfly effect: where a butterfly flaps its wings in South America and causes a tsunami in Indonesia or something? Hollywood loves to use it as a metaphor for the existence of seemingly insignificant moments that alter history and shape destinies. Generally unrecognized at first, they create threads of cause and effect that appear obvious in retrospect, changing the course of a human life or perhaps rippling through the global economy.
For example, who ever would have dreamed that an innocuous little law known as the Community Reinvestment Act could eventually lead to the great Financial Meltdown of 2008? And if that’s the case, just imagine what Big Guy’s Healthcare bill might eventually do! That butterfly’s got wings the size of Texas, for heaven’s sake. And think of the unholy plagues that might be started by Cap and Tax, or Immigration “Reform”, or Card Check, or… I think I’ll stock up on some of those pharmaceuticals. You might want to do the same. You know, just in case you can’t sleep. Oh, and don’t forget to dream big dreams!
A great woman, Dorothy Height, was laid to rest yesterday at the Washington National Cathedral and Big Guy and Lady M paid their respects. You can tell that they both respected Dr. Height greatly because Big Guy shed a real tear, and Lady M dressed as close to age and position appropriate as we could pull together out of the imperial closet.
I don’t think MO approved of the unmanly display of emotion though. There’s that stare again, that she usually reserves for more attractive women from foreign countries.
Big Guy was called upon to deliver a eulogy for this great woman, nearly 100 years old, and a stalwart in the civil rights movement. In honoring her Big Guy reminded everyone how evil America was when Dorothy was growing up:
Jim Crow ruled the South. The Klan was on the rise -- a powerful political force. Lynching was all too often the penalty for the offense of black skin. Slaves had been freed within living memory, but too often, their children, their grandchildren remained captive, because they were denied justice and denied equality, denied opportunity, denied a chance to pursue their dreams.
And then, miraculously, as only the Won can do, he found a way to make her passing about him:
The progress that followed -- progress that so many of you helped to achieve, progress that ultimately made it possible for Michelle and me to be here as President and First Lady --
Odd, given that even Big Guy seems to recognize that it really shouldn’t be all about you:
…year after year, decade in, decade out, Dr. Height went about her work quietly, without fanfare, without self-promotion. She never cared about who got the credit. She didn't need to see her picture in the papers. She understood that the movement gathered strength from the bottom up, those unheralded men and women who don't always make it into the history books but who steadily insisted on their dignity, on their manhood and womanhood…and that willingness to subsume herself, that humility and that grace, is why we honor Dr. Dorothy Height.
and then later, speaking of Dr. Martin Luther King, he relayed Dr. King’s admonition that everyone has "the drum major instinct,"
… the desire to be first, we all want to be at the front of the line.
The great test of a life, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said, is to harness that instinct; to redirect it towards advancing the greater good; toward changing a community and a country for the better; toward doing the Lord's work. .
Have you noticed how being in church, especially at funerals, has a way of making people stop temporarily and take stock of themselves? No wonder Big Guy was crying.
I guess we owed Fancy Nancy a favor for helping Big Guy ram Obamacare up your butts (I heard she declined the offer of the first born). So, since Lady M is still laying low, and I have a lot of time on my hands – we’ve all seen how dangerous that can be - Toes sent me over to Capital File Magazine’s headquarters to work on their cover shoot.
I think it’s some of my best work yet. What do you think?
Before:
After:
I can only admit to adding the “highlights,” but that’s a pretty good “Capital Fill” if I do say so myself.
You will find this hard to believe, but our sweet Nancy isn’t really as sweet as you might think. There have been times where she has shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive. She and Big Guy could have been separated at birth, aside from the race, gender and age issues. Although we’ve never really seen his birth certificate. Anyway, they get along really well together, as long as he does what she says. Just like with Lady M.
Warning: the following contains adult reflections, adult content and psychological nudity. Viewer discretion is advised.
(with apologies to Michael Savage)
This is your only warning. If you venture on from here, you do so at your own risk.
I really shouldn’t do this sort of thing, it is my job to reflect Lady M in the best possible manner which, as you know, typically requires the use of industrial strength Spanx, duct tape and boob belts. But since one of my faithful MOL’s filed a special request on the Boodles Jeans post, and because we’ve had a spate of down time on our hands since Asheville, I thought I’d play around a bit.
Here is Cinderella’s request:
“MOTUS, How about one of your famous photoshops? This time of MO in the Danica jeans or as we should call them "Caboodle Jeans"(caboose + boodle = Caboodle). Don't forget to include the platform mules. Please, please, please, pretty please.”
Well, the name alone should have sounded the alarm - “caboodle jeans.” How could stuffing that keister into something called “caboodle jeans” be anything butt pure evil for cripes sake? But as they say, “idle circuits are the devil’s workshop” and as I said, there really hasn’t been too much going on around here. But as I told Cinder – warned her really - even my hard drive has it's limitations.
And in case you’re saying to yourself, “Alright already, MOTUS, enough with the disclaimers. You’re starting to sound like a Goldman Sachs prospectus for a new debt instrument,” all I can say is, I tried to warn you. Now: children, out of the room; pets too, just to be safe – well, cats can probably stay - workplace alert and last but not least, break out the eye-bleach.
Oh, we’re definitely not in Kansas any more, Toto
Lord have mercy on my soul if Lady M ever catches wind of this. I’ve managed to hide that muffin top for months, hoping she’d get back to the organic salad bar. I sure don’t want to get on her list. She brought back cases of goofer dust from Haiti.
Oh, I shouldn’t have done this. I’m going to hell, aren’t I?
Sometimes Lady M’s schedule lightens up around here and that gives me an opportunity to reach into my mailbag and answer some of my viewer mail. Today, I have an email from Cathy that I’d like to respond to. She writes:
Dear MOTUS -
Am thoroughly enjoying your blog. It is hard trying to keep up with POTUS and FLOTUS's activities and travels and your blog helps.
Just one thing: are you missing some of their travels? I don't recall you commenting on their visits to parts of America that have suffered from natural disasters. Are they keeping these trips under cover, trying to be modest? I find this hard to believe, but I haven't seen any pictures of them flying over snow-bound towns, Red River-flooded cities, tornado-struck Southern states, etc. Are these visits happening between foreign trips or golf dates and the press is too tired to go along or what?
Perhaps you could point me to coverage of these events and the occasions where POTUS and FLOTUS have brought comfort and help to our fellow citizens.
Thank you for your kind attention.
Cathy
Dear Cathy,
Thank you for your kind letter, and your interest in the O’s participation in current American tragedies.
However, I think you are looking at the O’s participation through the old paradigm of natural disasters: hurricanes, floods, tornados etc. But in the most transformative administration since FDR, you need to think outside the box. The new, postmodern, paradigm is more along the lines of “disasters saved or created.” In this light, I think you’ll agree, Big Guy and Lady M have been in attendance at all the big ones. Let’s review.
The economic disaster: (saved)
Big Guy at the temple of Wall Street
The health care disaster: (created)
Lady M’s contribution to the health care disaster: Candy Striper-Corpse
Illegal alien disaster: (saved)
Terrorism: (saved and created)
Homegrown terrorist, befriended by Big Guy
Global warming: (saved)
Global doofus meets with global warming goofus
Pandemic of Swine Flu: (saved)
And I think we are all familiar with the disaster of childhood obesity that Lady M has dedicating her legacy to:
Healthy eating
and exercise:
Inking the Presidential Memorandum creating the Task Force on Childhood Obesity, creating yet another disaster for our crack “Crisis Team” aka, Congress, to get to work on.
And NO ONE can claim that she hasn’t showed up at the economic disaster to do her part for the stimulus.
$540 Lanvin sneakers, worn to the homeless shelter
I hope this is responsive to your kind letter. If you find it helpful, please feel free to pass it along to your friends who might likewise be locked in an outdated paradigm of public service.
Sincerely,
XXX MOTUS
Posts
All Comments
