Royalty Trumps Common Sense

MO, BO and staff reviewing the budget deficit. 3-D glasses recommended.

I don’t know whether it’s the deficit or not, but there seems to be a lot of negative energy around here since I got back. I don’t think it’s me though: Lady M even acted like she missed me.  That’s reassuring but not surprising, given that none of the other mirrors around here can reflect quite like me:

 

I’m  invaluable on a bad hair day              

Both MO and BO seem to be in a bit of a funk. It all started with the Republican surge in Massachusetts.Then BO’s team members started jumping the good ship Obamacare, and the reviews of his big SOTU read didn’t really come in as positive as he was expecting. Stunningly, his tongue lashing of the Supreme Court didn’t seem to go over so well, even with members of the supportive press. And it looks like, with all the weenies in New York whining, we’re going to have to move KSM’s kangaroo court somewhere else: maybe out of the country. Maybe Gitmo, since it doesn’t look like we’re going to be able to close it down anytime soon. And on top of everything else,the budget deficit ( which we inherited from George W. Bush) seems to have everyone in the country all wee-weed up.

But Big Guy’s working on that. Just today he told everyone “I also want to note, even though the Department of Defense is exempt from the budget freeze, it's not exempt from budget common sense. It's not exempt  from looking for savings.” I think that means Queen Nancy’s personal Air Force fleet is in jeopardy. Unlike the Department of Defense budget, she does seem to be exempt from common sense. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

Queen Nancy at the ball. Look out Nancy! The clock is about to strike midnight. Your Gulfsteam is about to turn into a pumpkin.

When Snarks Attack: 4

Well, I’ve finally gotten around to the 4th edition of my world famous Snark of the Week, golden FLOTUS nominations. I knew the last several weeks were going to be hectic, but I didn’t expect to have so little time to tend to my Snarks. Anyway, I guess you know we got bumped to commercial for the trip back to Big White. At least we got exit row seats. I got a center seat and Raj got the window. He likes to look out the window and calculate our altitude and routing at regular intervals to make sure the pilots are on track. I trans-imaged myself with a hologram from my hard drive into Lady M with that look. You know which one I’m talking about, the one in the video at the top of my blog. Nobody sat in the isle seat next to me. I promise I’ll never again use my powers for evil or self-gain -unless I get bumped to commercial again.

Anyway, Raj and I were able to work undisturbed all the way back to Big White. Now that we’ve transferred to Marine Chopper Won I have WIFI so we can post this.

My big fun idea to get you guys in on the nominating paid off big time. If by “paid off big time” you mean (and I do):

1. Nobody coming to my blog is a liberal who thinks everybody is a winner, and
2. We scored big time on the “will pay cash money for one of them Golden FLOTUS thingies (and boy, oh, boy: do we need the money for the Lady M Fund for Massachusetts Voters with Severe Ballot Error Disorders, and
3. There was unanimous consent on the nomination. Unless you think “I CAN'T FIND ME. aND i TRIED SOO HARD. mOTUS? mOTUS??” was a nomination.

I was surprised that there weren’t more nominations, there were certainly a lot of good snarks. Maybe bettyann knows Chicago rules better than I thought. Or, maybe I got the rules for nominating a little wee weed up. I have caught myself thinking that Gibbsy is making sense a few times lately. But that’s in the past as my upgrades have my lenses focusing like a laser. Anyway, nobody deserves this nomination more than bettyann. So, without further adieu here are your nominees for the Snark of the Week 4:

Nominees For The Period

December 27, 2009 – January 16, 2010)

1. From No Good Crisis Goes to Waste:

bettyann said...

MOTUS, what the hell is that Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade float doing in there, dressed up like Janet?

2. From Harsh Stares All Around: Take That Jihadists

bettyann said...

MOTUS, her boobs! They fell down into her pants!

Ok, technically “bettyann number 2” wasn’t nominated in the standard nominating process. But Raj was so proud and honored that bettyann successfully used his “Raj’s Reliable Tutorials” to develop her new nerd magic to embed links that he begged me to add it. And, well, Team Obama does take care of its friends, and Raj has been such a mensch, so bettyann’s in twice. And I think she deserves them both.

So lets get out there and vote! Polls will remain open until 11:59PM Saturday February 6, 2010 and Chicago rules are back in effect. Good luck bettyann!

We’re landing Marine Chopper Won now so I’d better post this. Bye.

PS should Raj and I ever be foolish enough to host another snark contest, we’ll paste it the top of the blog as Gerard VDL suggested.

Sundance: It’s a Wrap

That’s me! In my new pink hat, goggles, Christmas gift Moon Boots from Hub and wearing my Sundance Credentials

Well, now that I’m packed and headed back to DC (flying commercial: all of the Air Force jets were booked by Nancy Pelosi’s family. I know I tweeted that we were boarding Air Force Won, but we got bumped), I can divulge the real reason Raj and I were here.

We came to check out a Swiss multi-media film/art installation  that claims to be able to fuse reality with fantasy: claiming that only “ten percent of what people see is through their eyes, and 90 percent is constructed by the brain.” I’m sure you can see the concern: we were assigned to investigate whether this Swiss collaborator had hacked into my systems and stolen by super-secret NASA installed  mirror re-imaging programs.

After scrupulously examining every aspect of Pipilotti Rist’s film Pepperminta, as well as a companion film installed at the Festival’s New Frontier theatre/museum as a piece of immersion art (I’m not making any of this up), I’m pleased to report that she’s got nothing. Like everything else here, it’s just a slick scam.

And it’s a good thing: that leaves me free to work within that “90%” zone to clean things up for public view. We don’t need any more reality, now do we?

Hub says Lady M has now attracted her own moon!

So, just because I was on official business, it didn’t stop me from squeezing in some fun here at Sundance. That’s a little trick I’ve learned from some of the political pros. Raj and I did see some movies films. I was surprised, most of them seem very critical of the hand that feeds them. Maybe that’s why they all look so anorexic.

We were very excited to go to the HOWL opening film about some B-list beat poet. The next day we made copies of some real poetry - Gerard Allen Van der Ginsberg’s (aka Vanderleun) American version of Howl: GROWL -  and posted them at select venues and kiosks around town. (Part 1 is here and Part 2 is here.) Most, but not all, were swiped by the next day.

Our poor little Sundancers didn’t quite know what to make of it. They really like counter-culture, as long as it’s not their culture being countered. Plus, I realized my mistake too late: my handouts said “Now READ GROWL.”  This is Sundance: They don’t READ, they WATCH. Anything more than a paragraph long, and their brain synapses start shorting out. At least I tried to introduce them to real poetry. It’s not my fault that they all went to public school. Next year I’ll do it as a graphic novel. Oh, and I’ll need better ink. The copies left on the kiosks started to bleed all over the place by the next day. I told Raj we should have had the copies made at Staples.

Then, since I did so well on the surfboard while we were in Hawaii, I decided to take a snowboard lesson. Normally my pal Stein Erikson doesn’t allow snowboards at his Deer Valley ski resort, but as you can see, he made an exception for a special emissary from the White House:

That’s me, under the goggles (needed to prevent fogging up my lenses) with my new OMATIC snowboard, and Stein Eriksen.

Raj enjoyed hanging around in the nerd lounges and talking to film makers, but I just seemed to have a natural affinity for the snowboard, and spent as much time as I could on the slopes:

and even managed to catch a little air on my last day:

But now, my work is done here. I’m on my way home to resume my responsibilities for a different kind of snow job.

‘Bye Sundance. It was fun.

Oh, and I’ll fill you in on TOTUS’ new private sector project as soon as I can.

House of Wax?

I’ve noticed something very disturbing. I suspect it has something to do with the fact that I’m here in Park City enjoying all the fun at the celebrity-jammed Sundance Film Festival which means I’m doing Lady M’s refractions remotely. But I seem to have detected that as of late, some of her images are starting to look a bit, ah, how can I put this? Wax-like.

I’m hoping it’s just my puritanical work/guilt complex that has marred my perceptions. Maybe you would all help me perform a quick reality check. What do you think?

Wax or Not-Wax:

 

 

  

I know, I know! It’s hard to tell!

 

Hugs and kisses from the only place on earth wackier and more delusional than D.C. –  Sundance.

I promise to be back at work full time as of Monday - with all my new chips in place - to work on our second historic year.

 

 

 

 

 

h/t Faustas

It’s the Economy, Stupid. And Health Care. And Terrorism.

I’m filing this as I wing my way back for the last few days of my official chip upgrade/vacation at the Sundance festival. I could see that I was needed in DC tonight for the the first post-partisan SOTU big read, and my work ethic chip required me to return to help out. But I still have tickets for more cutting edge movies made by a lot of Big Guy’s friends and supporters, so I’m flying back for the weekend. Don’t worry, I’m not going first class, that’s just for real important government employees, like EPA clerks. Sure, I’ll be tired, but sometimes serving your country requires sacrifice.

But let’s focus on the Washington circus. First, the big read: BO took the stage to explain why people are angry. I don’t know, if it were up to me I might have skipped that part because I’m pretty sure most people already know what they’re mad about. Either they don’t have jobs or are afraid of losing them; and/or they think they’re going to lose their current health care insurance in exchange for much higher taxes and much worse health care. And then a few of you out there, and you know who you are, are mad about our sloppy and stupid handling of terrorists who are trying to kill us in the name of their religion of peace. And you’re mad that we’re treating them like some punks who knocked off a party store.

Then BO went on to explain why none of the things people are mad about are his fault. It was either the Republicans fault, the Supreme Court’s fault, Wall Street’s fault or George W. Bush’s fault. He did take his share of the responsibility for not explaining more clearly to all you morons why his health care plan is best for you. That’s kind of like saying “ I don’t think you hear what I’m saying” when in fact you hear what he’s saying just fine, but don’t happen to agree with it. So if any of you morons out there have a better idea, let him know. Otherwise, just shut up, sit down and get out of the way.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg hangs her head in shame at Big Guy’s criticism of their decision on campaign financing.

Man! Being leader of the free world turns out to be really hard, especially if some of your sheep refuse to follow the shepherd. And it’s even harder to appear like you’re accepting responsibility for the mess, without taking the blame, unless you have a whole lot of other people to blame things on. I’m not sure about this, but I think if I were Timmy I’d start working on that resume.

Timmy as he realizes he’s in really big trouble

Now for our fashion review: BO wore his Candy Land tie: a symbolic act to indicate his solidarity with you in your pursuit of locating our missing Candy Land King.

The Candy Man

Lady M was in the chambers, seated next to a couple of officers of the law who Big Guy didn’t think act stupidly. They were among the first responders to the Fort Hood massacre, and as you can see, they are thrilled to be there.

Real people, not wax figures. Really.

For the occasion, MO chose a deep plum three quarter sleeved spandex unitard, wrapped with a coordinating deep plum taffeta bed skirt falling in loose box pleats. It’s an Isaac Mizrahi, doing his best to reintroduce classics.

Big Guy also did a couple of shout-outs to MO: one for her campaign to ban french fries and Little Debbies from school lunches, and again for her generous efforts in support of military families. I think she plans to send them all those banned french fries and Little Debbies.

Step away from the cupcakes. And just sit down.

Summary of the big read in a half dozen words or less: insincere, preachy, condescending, immature, petulant and smirky.

Geeze, if I’d wanted that I would have just stayed at the Sundance Film Festival.

Linked by Fausta's Blog - Thanks!

Celebutards Coast to Coast

I should probably be heading back to Washington soon.

I’ve tried working remotes from Park City, but it’s not quite as effective. My Cassegrain reflector equipped with state of the art NASA nano-processors just doesn’t work as well off-site.

Although, having said that, I think we handled the lunch with the military wives rather well.  MO’s finely toned arms reflected quite well, and you can’t say that about very many women in Washington this time of year.

MO addresses the Joint Armed Forces Officers Wives Club

Not only did MO’s fighting form look great, but she won high marks for personally delivering an $8.8 billion budget for support of military families in this year’s budget. Don’t worry, it’s not coming out of her wardrobe budget. Sending Lady M and her toned arms was meant to deflect the fact that the $8.8 billion only included a 1.4% pay raise next year, the smallest since the advent of the all-volunteer military in 1973. I guess it worked, judging from the press which is all about MO’s support for military families, and all the new programs she’s proposing.

In other Big White news: did you see Big Guy’s meeting with Khloe Kardashian? Well, technically Big Guy meeting with the LA Lakers, but all the really famous wives came too.

I don’t mind telling you that when I saw this image it sent shivers through my hard drive. Like a really, really bad flashback.

Let’s not even get started with what Big Guy and Khloe have in common. It’s already becoming a favorite parlor game. So far “both being famous for doing nothing” is in the lead.

I’m hoping to screen a couple more movies films here at Sundance before getting my upgrades installed and winging my way back to the wackiness, debauchery and excitement of Washington. It’s not that much different from the celebutard world of Hollywood, but still, I miss it.

Dorks and Snarks

Sorry everyone, but I’ve been very busy here at the Sundance outpost. I even signed an autograph the other day! Although Raj said it might have been the bill for lunch.

Just a quick post to let you know how really, really cool Sundance is: look who came (again) this year!

 

 

OMG! It is! Paris. Paris Hilton. Remember her? Famous for being famous? That’s still all she’s got going, but this year she took a snowboarding lesson from her reality show boyfriend, whats-his-name. Proof that everyone looks like a dork on a snowboard.

Also, I just checked in on our Snark 4 contest. I must say, you’re not doing your part here snarks and snarkettes. There are only 3 nominations and two of them are protests. I would hate to cancel the contest due to lack of interest, as there has been PLENTY of snarking going on around here. So if you wish to nominate, be sure to weigh in here. And remember: nominating yourself is not only acceptable, it’s expected.

Checked in back at the Big White and apparently everyone’s hunkered down. Harry and Nancy are out counting votes and everyone else is busy finding more jobs that have been created or saved. After Val, Axe-man and Gibbsy’s appearances on the Sunday shows all we know is that it’s somewhere between “thousands” (Val) and “2 million” (Axe). I’m betting the final numbers will be higher.

Under the Stars

It has been very cold and snowy here at Sundance. In addition to providing technical support for all of my complex systems, I’ve had to assign Raj to snow clearing duties. Unfortunately, he’s from southern India, where they never see snow so his technique leaves much to be desired. I keep telling him, pile it up on the side, but he just keeps shoveling it over his shoulder. He said this was how they taught him in Washington. Maybe so, but we don’t seem to be making much progress.

But I am pleased to report that Raj has established a nice little side business here at Sundance. There are so many southern Californians here whose iPhones aren’t used to the cold, that they keep freezing up. For a small fee (which I can’t disclose, as I don’t know what he’s going to claim on his taxes) Raj is restoring their magic. I’m led to believe that Big Guy might require the same service; of course for him there would be no charge since we all work for him.

As an added service, for each phone he restores to it’s prior glory, Raj is installing a special app that he developed himself. It involves a 30 minute tour of the Big White with MO, where you can actually rearrange the furniture and select your own art. PLUS, there’s an app that contains BO’s top 10 speeches. You can pull out all of the “let me be clears”, “extraordinaries”, “robusts” and “unprecedenteds” and replay them all in a loop set to old newsreels. Quite retro. I think it will be quite a hit with the Sundance crowd.

And yes, I did see that Lady M ventured out without me to tell the mayors of America that she’s fighting childhood obesity, one zucchini at a time. All things considered, I think it went pretty well. Although she still seems to be having problems with those buttons. She’s just used to everything buttoning on the left, so this sudden shift to the right is disorienting.

I’ve got to run now. It’s time for another “film screening,” aka going to a movie. This one is called “Please Give”. I think it’s either about Haiti or BO’s overhaul of the Internal Revenue Code. Will get back to you with more later – plus a fashion report on the latest black ensembles spotted at Sundance.

Oh, my chip upgrades, and electro-magnetic pulse (EMP) shielding? I’m having that done next week. I thought since I was here on the taxpayer’s dime, I might as well schedule a few extra days to catch up on popular culture. It’s all too easy to let yourself get out of touch when you’re in Washington.