Barry and the Jets

It’s always something with the right wing haters isn’t it? Now I see Jack Cashill is creating more trouble over at American Thinker, asking silly questions about “why don’t we ever hear from Big Guy’s old (pre-Lady M) girlfriends?” Just exactly what is he implying, anyway? That Big Guy’s gay? ha, ha, ha… oh. Really?  Well I don’t think so. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But really, I don’t think so. Toes, Gibbsy, Axe-man – I could see it,

  

 

But Big Guy? Come on!

   

Although he does spend more time gazing into my refracted reflective surface while applying mascara than any other POTUS ever did. Even Bill.

Meanwhile, in other Big White news: Lady M’s racking up both carbon and diversity credits for her choice in jewelry.

These lovely bracelets that she wore in Mexico by Monique Péan are considered "wearable art." They’re created from 100% recycled gold “supporting (Péan’s) belief that jewelry producers should reduce the demand for ‘dirty mining’ of precious metals. Additionally each gem stone used in her creations was obtained through free-trade and are devastation and conflict free.” Wow! Both sustainable and indigenous! Only Lady M could find such politically correct baubles. And so fashionable too. (And if you haven’t already read it, Dewey’s Armegeddon: Global Densification explains why “dirty mining” is destroying our planet.)

And lastly, don’t forget! Big Guy and Lady M will appear on American Idol tonight! “Idol Gives Back” is a two hour charitable event that has already raised more than $140 million for charities.

Big Guy and Lady M taping their segment for “Idol Gives Back”

This year, money is being raised for the Children's Health Fund, Feeding America,  (Is it just me, or do these two charities seem counter productive?) and Malaria No More, which is designed to send mosquito nets to Africa. (hey, I’ve got an idea! Why don’t we just send them a few tons of DDT? I hear it kills those little sucker’s larvae instantly. And it’s really, really cheap. And no, it turns our it doesn’t really cause birds shells to thin after all. Who started that rumor?)

And guess who else is going to be on the show – the big get this year - Elton John! Oh dear, that’s not going to to do much to squelch those silly rumors.

Beyond that, there’s not much going on with Lady M this week. I think she’s detoxing. Either that, or it’s something she picked up in Mexico.

When Snarks Attack: 5

It’s Ba-ack! Yup, as I promised, my world famous Golden FLOTUS Award contest is back and better than ever. Isn’t everything that comes back better than ever?

Well, as you know, it’s been a while since my last big contest in February. And, as always, there have been goodles of great snarks posted. I can resume my Golden FLOTUS Awards because Big Guy finally released my super-secret nominating committee from their Obamacare Congressional bribery get-out-the-vote duties. I don’t know how long I’ll have them, or how much of their time I will get. Big Guy reminded me that he has ordered that a Bank Bailout/Take-Over 2 Financial Regulatory Reform bill be “on my desk” by the end of the month. Then we’ve got Cap & Tax Trade, SEIU Card Required Check, Comprehensive Amnesty Immigration Reform, VAT and a whole bunch of other “crisis” related stuff to get done. And, thanks to the haters in the Tea Party, we’ve probably only got until November.

But, enough Inside baseball stuff, on with the show.

As always, there were many, many snarks that I feel bad about not having in the finals. I wish all your snarks could win. But, as we all know, in the real world, everybody doesn’t win ... even if you are all winners in my book.

And now, in alphabetical order (for you trolls that means words that begin with  a, then b, then c, etc.) the nominations for the Golden FLOTUS, When Snarks Attack-5:

When Snarks Attack-5 Nominees

March, 2010

(comments may be edited by moi)

1. Amy:  "Is This an Easter Miracle?"

It's totally Karl Marx. Maybe it's an editorial comment from the cover layout designer person. "Help! I'm a conservative trapped at Newsweek!"

2. Anonymous: How High?

Moobs!

3. bettyann: Michelle Obama: FLOTUS, Over-Achiever ...

MOTUS, if she's showing cleavage, don't forget to remind her majesty to wax her chest.

"sniff"

4. Funky Town: Scary Movie Night

Well I'm wondering why a woman with a butt that ate Cincinnati thinks she can talk to the rest of the country about how to eat!

5. Lynn: Big White Tea Party Today

I can so see MO in the "border" outfit. Skirt short enough to show thigh, enough roominess to wear two belts (one boob, one not), thigh high black boots (she has a pair) to match the manly style shades and hat. And, it will go so well with the nunchucks (my personal favorite).

6. Madame DeFarge: Big White Tea Party Today

I certainly did my best on voting the Chicago way for Nutchucks, MOTUS. A lesson for the future...vote earlier as well as often.

7. Mrs. P : How High?

MOTUS, I know that you're The Mirror but maybe, just maybe some Windex is in order. That's not a wife beater. It's a training bra.

8. PortiaElizabeth: Is This an Easter Miracle?

I saw that image and, what with my cold and all, thought of the Smith Brothers. Or could it be a salute to ZZ Top? "She's got legs. She knows how to use 'em..."

9. Suzette: Is This an Easter Miracle?

I am more concerned that she's letting her "angry eyebrows" grow back in.

10. vereteno : The Phoebe Effect

We are on correct way, comrades!

The polls are open now and will remain open until 11:59 PM, Friday, April 23rd.” As always, Chicago rules” are in effect. Vote early, vote often.

May the Best Snark win.

PS. Has anyone heard from Vereteno? She hasn’t checked in since Obamacare passed, and, as you may recall, she was very depressed about the U.S. turning into the old U.S.S.R. We may need to send out a search party. After all, who better to snark on our comrades in the Big White than someone who’s been down that road. Come back Vereteno!

PPS. Just so you know: due to budget cuts (until we get the VAT) Big Guy cut all Big White polls back to monthly from our previous weekly schedule. But I’ve already cached tons of really snarky April comments for next month’s contest. And there are lots of new nominees coming up!

Oprah D-Oprah Redux

You remember the unfortunate Oprah D-Oprah cover incident don’t you?

 

That was back when Lady M and Oprah were feuding over whose fault the embarrassing Copenhagen Olympic rejection was. Oprah was really torqued off because she doesn’t like to attach her brand to Epic Fails (the O’s might want to explore this aversion a bit.) But since Big Guy told her that the Olympic bid  “was in the bag”  she assumed that he had done his part to ensure that the goon squad had made all the proper payments. Big Guy, though, thinking that since he Won, we didn’t have to pay. Boy, talk about being naive!

But I think that’s finally behind us. Oprah has decided that – even though she’s the most fabulously wealthy woman in the whole world – it’s still good to have friends in high places. And she’s starting to figure out, after the Diplomacy Czarina tour,

that this O-regime is going for an endless dynasty, like they do in South America.

So, Oprah sent over a boxed set of the not-yet-released Discovery channel’s HD DVD “Life” series that she narrated. Since we didn’t have anything else planned yesterday, thinking we’d be in Poland for President Lech Kaczynski’s funeral, we decided to have an unscheduled movie night. We had to wait for Big Guy to get back from his unscheduled golf game, honoring the memory of President Kaczynski’s tragic death. Did you know that this made 32 rounds of golf for Big Guy in his not quite 15 months in office? I only mention this because it indicates the great balance BO manages to work into his life. Especially compared to GWB, who only managed 24 rounds in his entire 8 years! Talk about transformational.

So, we’re going to let bygones be bygones. We got our extra-buttered popcorn, Good’n Plentys and settled in to watch Oprah navigate the natural world.  After all, there’s more that joins us together than pulls us apart. For example, in addition to us all being African Americans from Chicago, there’s the fact that Lady M and Oprah share the same fabulous Chicago-based stylist: 

 

But I digress. Here’s my review of the nature series: if you get this DVD set for Mothers or Fathers Day, you should definitely watch it with the sound off.  Alternatively, don’t open it and exchange it for the BBC version narrated by David Attenborough. Here’s the bottom line: for a woman who made her fortune - and I mean $fortune$ - with her big fat yap, you’d think she’d be better at reading. Oh, I suppose it isn’t all that bad, if you don’t mind being talked down to by a second grade teacher. But why would you want to waste all the beautiful photography with such patronizing, trite, over-heated babble? Don’t we already have enough of that around here?

You can check out the video yourself, if you’re feeling up to it.

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

What does an over-worked, underpaid NASA designed trans-imaging mirror dream of when she’s off the clock? Dream along with me, FOM’s and MOL’'s, dream along:

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes: Eilene Woods

Click here, for a sentimental trip:

…to a place and time where style demanded more than shower curtains, upholstery fabric and industrial strength Spanx.

Where real men did not eat quiche, homosexuals were all nice, and often funny, metrosexuals did not exist and only transvestites wore manliner and mascara.

Where manners were taught, in order to avoid giving the impression of a deep lack of consideration for others.

Protocol required, at a minimum, that you file your taxes. Also that gifts not be all about you. And that you not snub invitations from the Head of State of Norway or the Head of Government of France for a date night. Nor that you humiliate the Prime Minister of Israel, because you’re having a snit.

Fashions were designed to showcase the human body to best effect, not reveal all the imperfections - large and small - in excruciating detail.

The Academy Awards was a show the whole family could watch. And enjoy.

Airline travel required your best clothes, and you needn’t empty your pockets or remove your shoes before being full body x-rayed simply for the privilege of boarding a dirty, smelly air craft.

Brides still feigned virginity on their wedding day, dressing more like a princess than a slut.

Back when you could tell the difference between movie stars and politicians, but neither would have been mistaken for a common street thug.

Our President was fighting communism, instead of implementing it.

*sigh*

Well, a girl can dream...maybe I am Cinderella. Except, no mice around here. Just rats.

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

Did I tell you I think I can make my dreams come true? Don’t tell anyone.

Way, Way Above My Paygrade

Wow! I had no idea you could make this kind of dough from, ahem, “writing” books. $5.5 million! 

Maybe I should start shopping around for an agent. You know, just in case our hopenchange turns into a dopeforexchange in the next election cycle. Because frankly, I have a bad feeling that no matter what I say, the next guy (or gal) is going to think I was complicit in this reign of terror error. I wonder if I have to wait till the O’s are gone to write my book? I just don’t know how these tell-all books work.

Alternatively, I was thinking of asking Big Guy for a raise. Oh sure, I know I’m civil service. But even he must know that I’m operating way, way above my pay grade.

Exhibit 1: Lady M, after trans-imaging for date night

 

 

 

 

 

 

Exhibit 2: Before and after trans-imaging 

So here’s my argument, your critiques, as always, are welcome.

“Since you and Lady M are now making the big bucks - and I think $5.5 million firmly places you above “middle class.”  In fact, I think you now technically qualify as one of those “fat cats” - like on Wall Street? What would you think about spreading the wealth around a little, because I have 34 family members who are currently unemployed due to our jobless recovery who I’m trying to help out.  Or, alternatively, if you want to eliminate the middle man, you could just spread some of your extraordinary wealth to them directly (a really feel-good gesture). That way, you’d feel good, my relatives would be grateful and I wouldn’t have to pay income taxes on it before passing it on to them - they’re getting a bit high: taxes, that is, not my relatives. I see that you and Lady M paid $1.8 million in federal income taxes this year. That really bites doesn’t it? Anyway, I would greatly appreciate any small increase you could afford to pay me, even if it’s just overtime pay for all the special trips Lady M and I go on.”

I’ve never asked for a raise before, so I’m not exactly sure if this is a good strategy or not. What do you think?

Just an afterword: You don’t suppose the O’s just ran for President in order to increase the sales on BO’s audacious books do you?

Dreams of Valhalla; the Audacity of the Dope

That’s one awesome marketing strategy! Maybe Big Guy’s a  capitalist after all! At least the huge book sales explain all the comments I hear around here about the “cash cow.” I admit – I was thinking what you were thinking.

                      

Adios Amigos. Hola Czarinna de Diplomacia

What a successful trip! We danced with the little children and told them to keep moving their fat behinds.

 Lady M Dancin’ in the Street : Jumpin Jehosaphats!

We had an opportunity to explain to the adoring crowd of college kids that communism was the way to go, using ourselves as examples of how well that can turn out for you.

Lady M, at the podium. That’s our flag, on the left. 

But before we waved goodbye to sunny Mexico,

we chatted with CNN and told them that the U.S. really needs to reform its immigration policy – which Big Guy would gladly do if those nasty Republicans weren’t standing in his way; preventing him from reuniting babies with their parents.  Lady M also told the reporter that the U.S. must reduce its demand for illegal narcotics, because that would help Mexico with its drug wars. I guess America really is responsible for everything that’s wrong with the world.

On the way home we swung through San Diego, (after a costume change) to check out the kale at a community garden plot  (not Tuscan – I’m not even sure it was organic) and talk to the people who tend to their plots there.

  

Lady M with Khadiga Musame, a refugee from Somalia, and Tsitsi Museta, a refugee from Zimbabwe, who just happened to be at the garden party.

Most of them needed translators though, because - even though we haven’t reformed our immigration policy yet - most of them were immigrants from somewhere.

We think our first solo hugging tour was a huge success.We left all the policy issues to Big Guy, while focusing on the “big picture” – communism, immigration, drugs, kids fat behinds and organic gardens.

  Big Hugs!

I think we’ve pretty much got this diplomacy thing nailed. Can you say “diplomacy czar?”

Me Siento Enfermo (I Feel Sick)-Updated

I feel really bad about this post. I mean really bad, like my hard drive is crashing bad. FOM/MOL “Kathy N” pointed me to this Newsbird post with pictures proving that I let my guard down in Mexico.

 

 

 

I think you can tell that I was off my game here. Just look at the crappy quality of my reflections. It looks like my lens is covered with lard. Why did that word come to mind?

Too many burritos at lunch resulted in a garment malfunction (split seam) and our new SEIU luggage packer left our emergency repair kit on the bed back in Big White. And MO had her heart set on wearing that outfit.

Try to find pink duct tape Mexico, I dare you. They don’t have Casa Depot so we were lucky to find any duct tape at all.

I didn’t think the reverse-skunk-stripe look would ever go public. But those Mexican paparazzi are sneakier than the haters at FOX News and quicker than Speedy Gonzales.

Maybe it was last night’s margaritas. Maybe I should have insisted that they use bottled water to clean my lens. I am feeling a little woozy. Whatever the reason, my reflexes were way too slow.

Sorry, I apologize. I’ll do better next time.

Right now though, I think I need a spoon full of Pepto-Glass Wax and a little siesta.

Urp.

UPDATE:

I’m not sure what is going on, but this just popped up on my hard drive:

Cinderella Red Queen Trans-image request

Oh, my system is not right…I’ve got to go see Raj.

No Matter the Topic, It’s Always About the O’s

Busy, busy day here in Meh-hee-co. After hugging the disadvantaged little photo ops children, we went to the Museum of Anthropology with Margarita and had our picture taken under the Aztec calendar. Boy, I think I’ve discovered a huge new (capitalist) market for Palms, Blackberries and even the old fashioned Day Planners! And as far as I can tell, they still believe in capitalism down here. Lady M and Margarita under the giant Aztec calendar

Then in the afternoon, a speech to thousands of cheering students at the elite Iberoamericana University. We had to deliver the speech in English, because we forgot to learn Spanish when we were at the Ivy League. But it was OK, since it was all loaded up in the FLOTUS TOTUS which includes language packs. We simulcast the text in Spanish for the kids to read along. It was pretty much Lady M’s standard speech to collegians: promoting the “social justice” agenda - so popular in the U.S. these days – and telling the kids how important it is for them to give back. Like she and Big Guy did:

Lady M arrives for her anti-capitalist speech to the elite college studentes, wearing her Rachel Roy tapestry print mix media dress with low rider boob belt.

“Those of you who have a seat at the table must do your part to make room for others who don’t,” she said, holding up as an example of leaders who have risen up from humble means Benito Juarez, a celebrated 19th century Mexican president, and her own husband. (NYT)

and:

"We must confront wrong and outdated ideas and assumptions that only certain young people deserve to be educated, that girls aren't as capable as boys, that some young people are less worthy of opportunities because of their religion or disability or ethnicity or socioeconomic class. Because we have seen time and again that potential can be found in some of the most unlikely places," she said.

"My husband and I are living proof of that." (WaPo)

Although she didn’t mention anything about illegal immigration, the drug cartels, the drug wars, or the tons of drugs screaming across our borders along with the illegal immigrants. She explained to reporters later why she didn’t bring up any of that icky stuff, telling them that as first lady she's focused on the "big picture," not policy. I guess that means fat behinds and communist theory.

Then Enrique Gonzalez Casanova, a Mexican sociologist, explained what the real issue is with all the icky stuff:

“The main problem lies in that a great number of young people see that their expectations about the future have vanished. There is a great deal of insecurity about what will happen to them. There are few job opportunities and minimal possibilities for education.”

I hope Lady M was paying attention, because from what I hear, that’s pretty much how our own kids are feeling these days. Thanks to her own husband, who rose up from humble means. Can you say “irony?”

Dinner was nice, too. Another chance for a wardrobe change.

Happy Tax Day Everyone! Brought to you by your Federal Government. Spreading the wealth around, one tax increase at a time. Cha-Ching!